To be furious about this?

[Overlenders]

When I was 11 my parents forced a friendship with a 10 year old girl from my neighbourhood - 2 streets away.

This is how it happened - we went to the same church as this girl’s cousins and aunt/uncle who lived about a mile away - think neighbouring area of a provincial city.

one day I and my parents went up to the aunt / uncles / cousins house and I played outside - with cousins and this girl and her brother - we were all the same age - well within 2 years of each other.

my parents were indoors with the other 2 sets of parents. That meeting itself wasn’t bad but I thought that it was just a get together for all of us - I didn’t realise it was a specific thing to get my and the girl together.

about a month later the girl - Anna - turned up at my house asking me to go other cinema. I’ve always hated watching films as I have a short attention span unless it’s a comedy and I didn’t want to go. My grandparents were staying with us and said “that’s nice she’s asked” etc. so I only said yes to the cinema trip cos j was afraid of being criticised if I said no.

the cinema was shit tbh I find films boring. Did age 11 - do now unless it’s comedy.

anyway - a few weeks later 11 year old me was at home with my parents and said m

“I want to do x today” - I can’t for the life of me remember what x was. I can’t really hazard a guess even.

my mum said “no you’re seeing Anna Taylor today”

and thus they forced a friendship between me and this girl that lasted til the end of secondary school.

AIBU to feel angry about this? Growing independence imo is important at 11 and this was being stifled be forcing me with this girl

also though my secondary school years my mum used to guilt me into socialising with Anna saying Anna’s mum had been complaining I wasn’t making an effort with her etc.

AIBU to feel violated? Someone was let into my life that I didn’t even want or need.

Anna fyi was a doctor’s daughter who was very very snobby. Her Mum was sahm.

i was only child of 2 working parents but mum was alcoholic abusive - I’ve literally had to deal with my mums aggressive moods aged 10 - so after mopping up my mum’s shit I found Anna very ‘precious’

AIBU to feel angry that part of my childhood freedom was taken away ?

I feel a friendship was forced on me with no context for it

I thought this.

Um, no your parents shouldn’t have forced a friendship when you were a teen but you’re being a bit dramatic. The friendship ended by secondary school.
eta just seen you’re 53. Get over it! It’s almost 40 years ago.

You are 53, being utterly ridiculous, and you know it.
‘Violated’? Don’t insult people who actually understand what that means.

You need to pep up your life now. If this is what you are wasting energy poring over, you need to have more going on.

If you were raised by an alcoholic, there may be much in your childhood that gives rise to feelings of violation, resentment, and even trauma. This forced friendship on the surface seems to have caused an unusual level of distress, suggesting some unresolved issues. I'd recommend you contact a support group for family members of alcoholics to start working things through.

As an 11 year old your needs weren't being met by your parents re your mum being an alcoholic and you negotiating the moods swings.

Your parents weren't supporting you in finding the friends who chimed with your personality and needs. They appear tone deaf by putting you in an awkward situation with this girl you didn't like. They may have been trying to ingratiate themselves with Anna's parents.

You are still very bothered by this situation all these years later and are angry at your parents for getting this bit of parenting wrong. Maybe they have never reflected on it and realised it themselves. None of you have moved on and it could be getting in the way of having a better relationship with your parents now.

Have you tried talking to them about it? Is this something you could do? If not, then perhaps consider some therapy to help you understand patterns of thinking and reflect on the nature of the relationship with your parents. At the least, try writing down your thoughts and feelings and see what comes out of that.

Well you say your mum was all kinds of abusive. I'm so sorry. That breaks my heart. Yes you are totally valid in how you feel. Yes you were violated.

But for you to heal you need to process it and move on.

Parents are just people, humans, flawed, often deeply. They had a kid, that's it. It doesn't make them special people, magical people, and does not erase their flaws suddenly.

Many, many people get this type of parent. But it's no reflection on you. They weren't rubbish because of anything you did or were. It's just that they're just people.

I can understand you not being happy about this. I wouldn't have liked to have been told that I had to be friends with someone I wasn't keen on, especially during those teenage years. I'd say many of the posters here who think you're overeacting, wouldn't have liked it either. Did your parents want you to be friends with a doctors daughter, perhaps?

It must have been so difficult having an alcoholic and abusive mother and while of course I am not you, that would be the thing that had a profound and negative impact on me. I am guessing that pressuring you into this friendship was just one of many things she did that negatively affected you and tainted your childhood.

Oh fuck off. Grow up.

I agree with the above ^ You probably had a lot going on emotionally at the time that you didn’t really even realise. So maybe you turned your resentment towards your parents forcing a friendship, as that was something more tangible than the abuse and treatment within the family. Maybe now it is something that feels easier to direct your anger towards.

Many kids are put in the position of being forced into friendships their parents want, but it didn’t feel violating to them, it was just annoying. I am guessing this might have been something on a long list of things that made you angry/sad/violated as a kid. Has something happened to make you think about these memories in particular?

I agree with this. It sounds like you're focusing your anger towards your mum on this aspect of your childhood (which is a bit odd and annoying but hardly terrible) rather than on the alcoholism and abuse.

@Overlenders If I am being honest, I feel, that you are suspicious that there is more to this attempt to push you and this girl together. I can think of many possibilities, some of which are not so nice depending on your perspective and some are simply wanting to be good parents.

• Either you or she, or maybe both, weren’t good at making friends and this was maybe the joint parents trying to help one or both of you?
• Maybe you or her were mixing with the wrong type and they wanted to push you in a better direction?
• Maybe the Doctors family and your Mum realised how tough life was for you with an alcoholic Mum and they were trying to give you a break with more positive experiences. Were the parents your Family GP?
• Is there any chance you are related, a secret sister perhaps and they were trying to build the familial bond?

Whilst people may try and invalidate your feelings, you feel how you feel and if its something that niggles you, can you ask your parents?

Well my mum often said this about me so I dunno .. might be true

Some really callous posters on this thread. It’s obvious the OP has suffered abuse growing up, the Anna stuff is just a red herring. The charitable part of me thinks some of the callous posters haven’t read the opening post properly: the uncharitable part of me thinks these type of posters are inherently vile.

Because it was like an arranged marriage

When I typed my OP I was fast running out of phone battery so I appreciate that it looks rushed and not very well punctuated

I haven't read the full thread, but this strikes me as yet another MN thread where adults is keen to dump all of their problems and inadequacies as an adult onto their parents because it's easier than addressing their own shortfalls.
The Op is 53 I think. She probably lived at home until she was 20ish at the latest.
On that basis, she was had 33 years to live outside of her parents' influences, 13 years longer than living with them.
OP, you are an adult. Everything is not someone else's fault. Grow up.

Overlenders I feel really sorry for teenage you. I was an unwanted child of a generation that was supposed to be seen & not heard.
I’m fairly staggered & surprised at the amount of repliers that seem to think that an only child of 11yr can possibly think outside the box, come to rational conclusions & be able to act on her thoughts. Especially a female child. But a lot of people don’t/can’t remember how they actually felt as a small person, & can’t summon any empathy.
gentle suggestion,

Wtf did I just read? 🤣 I don’t think Anna is the ‘precious’ one 🙈

Arranged marriage 🤣 who wasn’t forced to be friends with someone growing up! Parenting can be lonely and your mum got you a playmate.

i don’t think you’d ever be happy whatever the situation. If she had left you friendless etc you’d be ‘fuming’ about that.

If your parents are still alive, could you write to them and ask why this friendship was so important to them.Also, it's ok to not forgive parents who failed you as a child, teen and young adult.Do not hold on to the anger, just tell your self they were not any good at parenting.
You need to let go as much as possible from the past, as the here and now is what counts.

I don’t understand why you’re getting so much pushback. Of course it wasn’t okay to force you to spend so much time with someone you didn’t like. Was it because she was also a churchgoer and the daughter of a doctor? The “right sort” in other words?

Do you have, or want, friends now op?

I know a bloke in his seventies, lives like a hermit, and is the happiest he’s ever been.

societal expectation is that everyone wants friends.

but actually some people don’t.

it’s really normal as a parent to want your children to be happy, and the assumption would be that you need friends to be so.

if I’m right op, then I think your expectations are far too high for your parents. It’s absolutely normal to try to make your dc happier, and we try our best to do that.

on this issue alone, it sounds like your parents intentions were to help you.

It doesn’t sound nice BUT I think it’s weird that it’s still bothering you so much 42 years later. Are you seeing a therapist to work through your issues? I would assume this is not the only thing bothering you. Are any of them worth the negative energy and mental space that it is costing you 42 years later? I think you either need to see the bigger picture (if it was an abusive childhood) or work with a therapist to learn to let this go. Don’t let this consume you.

Well Anna’s brother definitely didn’t do anything terrible - he was neutral, seemed a normal lad and kept out of the ‘shitshow’.

Anna OTOH - on the face of it she didn’t do anything ‘terrible’ but a bit more ‘death by a thousand cuts’ iyswim, perhaps.

when we first met she called me ‘weird’ in front of all the other parents cos I used to roller skate in the neighbourhood using a stick for balance / support in these (halcyon) days before we were friends.

She saw a photo of me aged 8 in the glory days before we met and shouted ‘fatty!’ - yes I was a fat child.

In Guides we all went but she was mainly paired up with her same aged cousin (understandable) and she put me down when someone asked something she said -
”oh Emma’ll do it “ (‘meaning me) in a very superior sort of way

saying that I was too ugly for a boyfriend

when I was 14/15 there were some false rumours circulating in my school I’d been involved in a sexual incident - I’d been pushed into a cupboard and rumours had started from that incident - and her cousins went to my school while she went to another school. One Sunday I remember she said that her family apparently had “all been sat round the table talking about you”!(me) with regard this alleged (very humiliating) incident. She named the boy allegedly involved but got his name slightly wrong. And then said in a faux concerned voice

“oh sorry I’ve brought it all up again for you”
— just for context I’d not told her about this alleged incident/rumours previously. She said that all her family thought I was eccentric. This made me feel like shit - oooh I wished I’d clouted her!

she said that her cousin “would avoid me if possible”