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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious about this?

285 replies

Overlenders · 26/10/2025 07:55

When I was 11 my parents forced a friendship with a 10 year old girl from my neighbourhood - 2 streets away.

This is how it happened - we went to the same church as this girl’s cousins and aunt/uncle who lived about a mile away - think neighbouring area of a provincial city.

one day I and my parents went up to the aunt / uncles / cousins house and I played outside - with cousins and this girl and her brother - we were all the same age - well within 2 years of each other.

my parents were indoors with the other 2 sets of parents. That meeting itself wasn’t bad but I thought that it was just a get together for all of us - I didn’t realise it was a specific thing to get my and the girl together.

about a month later the girl - Anna - turned up at my house asking me to go other cinema. I’ve always hated watching films as I have a short attention span unless it’s a comedy and I didn’t want to go. My grandparents were staying with us and said “that’s nice she’s asked” etc. so I only said yes to the cinema trip cos j was afraid of being criticised if I said no.

the cinema was shit tbh I find films boring. Did age 11 - do now unless it’s comedy.

anyway - a few weeks later 11 year old me was at home with my parents and said m

“I want to do x today” - I can’t for the life of me remember what x was. I can’t really hazard a guess even.

my mum said “no you’re seeing Anna Taylor today”

and thus they forced a friendship between me and this girl that lasted til the end of secondary school.

AIBU to feel angry about this? Growing independence imo is important at 11 and this was being stifled be forcing me with this girl

also though my secondary school years my mum used to guilt me into socialising with Anna saying Anna’s mum had been complaining I wasn’t making an effort with her etc.

AIBU to feel violated? Someone was let into my life that I didn’t even want or need.

Anna fyi was a doctor’s daughter who was very very snobby. Her Mum was sahm.

i was only child of 2 working parents but mum was alcoholic abusive - I’ve literally had to deal with my mums aggressive moods aged 10 - so after mopping up my mum’s shit I found Anna very ‘precious’

AIBU to feel angry that part of my childhood freedom was taken away ?

I feel a friendship was forced on me with no context for it

OP posts:
Original poster
Overlenders · 26/10/2025 13:30

sunshine244 · 26/10/2025 08:22

Your example about ignorning the other girl in the passing car sounds odd. Are you autistic? I need to remind one of my autistic children to say hello to friends, and help encourage their friendships - they really struggle to know how to make friends so it needs modelled.

I'm sorry to hear your mum was an alcoholic. It is understandable to be angry about that, but it doesn't mean everything she did was automatically wrong.

Edited

No not autistic- the reason I refused to wave is because it was an active decision- I was thoroughly sick of Anna.

Some nasty false had been circulating about me in my school and only a few weeks before me inviting her waving - she had been very spitefully running it in as she’d heard these rumours via her cousins

OP posts:
Original poster
Overlenders · 26/10/2025 13:32

CrispySquid · 26/10/2025 08:23

You have a very disproportionate reaction to this and you sound very aggressive. You don’t even mention anywhere that Anna was ever unkind or nasty to you, just that you couldn’t be bothered to be around her.

And surely 95%+ of the time as a teenager you wouldn’t be around her? You didn’t have to hang out with her at school if you didn’t want to and you must have liked her enough for her not to get any vibes that you hated her. And you could still be friends with anyone else you wanted to additionally? Just sounds like Anna was a family friend that your parents wanted you to keep in touch with and go to the cinema with every now and again.

This isn’t even close to abusive or appalling. Loads of kids have to spend time with family friends, cousins, neighbours etc. that they may find boring every now and again. You might have a point if she was horrible to you or a bully but from your OP she sounds nice and that she liked your company. Poor girl.

If you look at my 3 latest posts this’ll explain why Anna was nasty

OP posts:
DrowningInSyrup · 26/10/2025 13:33

Is this a joke? Unless said friend turned up and murdered your guinea pigs, then you really need to get over this. I'm frightened for your sanity.

AngelofIslington · 26/10/2025 13:34

Op your original posts were very detailed, why did you not include Anna’s nastiness in them?

DaisyChain505 · 26/10/2025 13:34

@Overlenders have you ever had therapy to talk through your childhood?

Catsknowbest · 26/10/2025 13:37

BengalBangle · 26/10/2025 08:04

I suspect you may be furious, hurt and sad about having an abusive alcoholic for a mother, rather than a 'forced friendship' betwixt you and Anna Taylor.

Edited

Thinking this, too.

Original poster
Overlenders · 26/10/2025 13:38

AngelofIslington · 26/10/2025 13:34

Op your original posts were very detailed, why did you not include Anna’s nastiness in them?

I dunno - I suppose the post was long enough as it was etc … I only addressed Anna’s nastiness when there were further questions on it

also to be fair pushing a friendship is wrong regardless of whether a person is nasty

OP posts:
AngelofIslington · 26/10/2025 13:43

Ok so if you think your parents actions were wrong what, in the last 40 years, have you done to make you feel better about your life.
As other posters have said to still be furious, and to feel violated, 40 years later is not normal

Ivy888 · 26/10/2025 13:46

Overlenders · 26/10/2025 13:38

I dunno - I suppose the post was long enough as it was etc … I only addressed Anna’s nastiness when there were further questions on it

also to be fair pushing a friendship is wrong regardless of whether a person is nasty

Show quote history

Honestly, it sounds like you struggled to make friends as a child /teenager. I can understand your parents trying to help you. I don’t really understand why this is still consuming you 42 years later. Has this started lately or have you been walking around with these feelings for the past 42 years? Are you getting any therapy to help you?

Weekendwatch · 26/10/2025 13:48

What is your life like now?

Happy? Fulfilled? Partner? Friends? Children? Work?

arethereanyleftatall · 26/10/2025 13:56

Is all this ruminating over events 40 years ago making you happy op?

Because that’s all that really matters.

im a similar age and I couldn’t even really tell you what happened when I was a teenager with any particular certainty, because it doesn’t matter. I’m busy enjoying my life and what someone said or didn’t say 40 years ago is irrelevant.

Original poster
Overlenders · 26/10/2025 14:03

EmeraldJeanie · 26/10/2025 08:42

I find myself curious about Anna. Sounds like it was arranged for her as well. Are you in touch at all now?
I am in my late 50s. As a child I occasionally stayed with my Granny and she used to be concerned that I needed 'young' company. I didn't! Myself and a fellow victim Jane forced together. We didn't dislike each other but interactions a bit awkward. We both knew what was happening but played nice! Different to ops situation as happened only a handful of times.

Yes I feel it was a contrived friendship for Anna too tbh and I don’t know whose idea it was. I don’t know who instigated it - my or her parents. No we aren’t in touch now.

In once asked my dad around 10 years ago

“was the relationship with Anna Taylor contrived?” and my Dad just smiled, looked sheepish and looked away

OP posts:
CatAsstrophe · 26/10/2025 14:05

Howmanycatsistoomany · 26/10/2025 10:19

My parents forced me to to go out with our fucking creep of a neighbour when I was 14 and he was 38! You think you were violated?

That's awful @Howmanycatsistoomany I'm so sorry you were forced to do that. It's so disgusting and violating Flowers

@Overlenders You framing being forced to be friends with someone at the age of 11 as 'appalling' and a 'violation' is so far off the mark from real violation. Being angry over something so minor for 40 years plus indicates there's something else going on.

Your definition of violation minimises experiences of others who have truly been violated as children. I experienced sexual, physical and emotional abuse from my parents. That's violation.

TakenewNn · 26/10/2025 14:13

You mention that her father was a doctor and very snobby, and clearly wealthy enough that his wife could be a sahm. Did your parents look up to them and your friendship with Anna was their ticket into an “elevated” society?

Original poster
Overlenders · 26/10/2025 14:13

EdithBond · 26/10/2025 08:43

I agree with @FigAboutTheRules.

The issue is your mum’s alcoholism and abuse. And that you felt you had to do something you didn’t want to do (e.g. go to the cinema and develop a friendship with someone) because your parents and grandparents expected/told you to.

It sounds like you’re were too unconfident or afraid to exercise autonomy and say you didn’t want to. At 10 (and certainly as teenagers) most kids will be assertive when they don’t want to do something. Unless brought up in an authoritarian, controlling family where there’s an atmosphere (or even threat) you have to do as you’re told, without question or discussion.

If you haven’t already, I suggest you seek therapy. The ‘forced’ friendship has clearly affected you. Has it affected your approach to friendships and relationships as an adult?

Show quote history

Yes that’s the thing. My mother constantly called me ‘spoilt’. If I’d refused the invitation to the cinema with Anna I was worried that she’d throw the same insult at me again

Just for context - about a year prior to this in my lovely Anna free days - my mum got 2 sisters who lived near me down to play one weekend. She’d gone behind my back and phoned them. One of them was my classmate and her sister was 2 years older. We hadn’t fallen out or anything but my mothers sudden ‘calling them down’ struck me as weird because although we got along ok I never ‘played’ with the older sister who at the time would’ve been 12 to our 10. I felt this was overbearing of my mum so in order to resist it even j saw both of them I said

“I must go and practise piano”

the girls disappeared home immediately and my mother was cross I’d acted like this. When she saw me then do something else she said “you said you wanted to practise piano now DO it”

OP posts:
AngelofIslington · 26/10/2025 14:20

Op you are answering questions, with vivid clarity, about what happened 40 years ago but have ignored everyone about your life now and what you have done to resolve any issues.
Are you unhappy with your life now?

arethereanyleftatall · 26/10/2025 14:33

op, you have come up with many details in this thread where your own behaviour was rather unpleasant. But you seem utterly oblivious to your own faults, whilst seemingly expecting everyone else in your life to be absolutely perfect in how they treat you. Your responses also suggest this, you’re completely dismissing any calls for self awareness. Everyone is a human, same as you are, with some flaws and some good points.

there could be many examples but take the car passing where you ignored her. You have a whole host of reasons of why it was absolutely fine that you did that. But I’m sure that if your mum had ignored you in the same way back on 6th October 1979, you would be obsessing over how abhorrent it was today.

arethereanyleftatall · 26/10/2025 14:35

Take the mum calling you ‘spoilt’. You seem to be only ruminating on how awful it was that she insulted you in this fashion. Have you given any thought in to what behaviour you were exhibiting to be called this?

Original poster
Overlenders · 26/10/2025 14:36

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 26/10/2025 09:01

I don't think you're being unreasonable, but I think it's part of a much wider context of neglectful/controlling parenting by parents who were very focused on themselves.

My mum could be a bit like this with friendships, and I think people saying "but you didn't have to be friends with her at school" don't really appreciate the broader picture of parents who have been very controlling from birth onwards and how it just isn't possible to imagine that there might be bits of your life that they can't actually direct.

Yes your first paragraph nails it

OP posts:
Swiftie1878 · 26/10/2025 14:59

Overlenders · 26/10/2025 14:36

Yes your first paragraph nails it

Show quote history

You have to realise that you are now well into middle age. Concentrate on your life today, or you’ll be a perpetual victim; not a good look.

Original poster
Overlenders · 26/10/2025 15:06

DarkYearForMySoul · 26/10/2025 08:53

From reading your posts this is what I’ve understood and the questions it brings up for me.

  1. your childhood was marked by an abusive alcoholic mother and you had no siblings to share or make sense of the experience with
  • What was your relationship with your father/grandparents like?
2) your family arranged a ‘friendship’ for you which they worked to get you to continue despite you not enjoying the person’s company and you judged them negatively.
  • Did you have other friends? What did they think of this other friendship?
  • Why do you think your family were so keen for you to have this friendship? Was it for you or her?

I started replying to this post but my phone battery conked out so I’ll try and do shorter replies so if my battery fails at least there’s something down

my dad enabled my mums drunken, narcissistic rants

my grandparents on the whole were much more stable and down to earth no substance abuse issues I had a good relationship with them particularly my gran. They were much more relatable

OP posts:
Dontlletmedownbruce · 26/10/2025 15:13

It sounds like Anna was well rid. Not waving hello is unacceptable, you are rude.

This is why being an only child is a very bad thing for some kids. You never had to share a room or your toys and you never learned to tolerate others. Many people's lives are full of siblings, cousins, neighbours, siblings friends, parents friends kids and so on. It's normal to be around others, you don't need to enjoy it but it's hardly abusive that they wanted you to have a friend.

Original poster
Overlenders · 26/10/2025 15:14

DarkYearForMySoul · 26/10/2025 08:53

From reading your posts this is what I’ve understood and the questions it brings up for me.

  1. your childhood was marked by an abusive alcoholic mother and you had no siblings to share or make sense of the experience with
  • What was your relationship with your father/grandparents like?
2) your family arranged a ‘friendship’ for you which they worked to get you to continue despite you not enjoying the person’s company and you judged them negatively.
  • Did you have other friends? What did they think of this other friendship?
  • Why do you think your family were so keen for you to have this friendship? Was it for you or her?

1st paragraph of point 1 nails it

I think personally my parents wanted me have this friendship cos - they were both well educated high flying lawyers - I was an only child. The beat part of my childhood was reading comics and watching programmes like

cannon and ball
little and large
3-2-1
play your cards right

all the domestic type sitcoms like Terry and June etc and MANY MANY many more programmes

I think they felt I might not be getting a very ‘middle class’ childhood as such - spending hours in front of TV unsupervised in any exactly a ‘naice’ middle class childhood is it? (With or without the ham)

I think they realised that this girl perhaps had a more ‘traditionally’ middle class upbringing - SAHM, sibling close in age so more overall ‘supervision’ if you get me - and my mum being a huge snob would’ve wanted me to have a typically middle class childhood and feared that if left to my own devices I’d be veering away from that

OP posts:
Weekendwatch · 26/10/2025 15:18

There is something very tragic about the OP.

A woman of 53. And this is her life.

It is not too late OP

Original poster
Overlenders · 26/10/2025 15:20

@DarkYearForMySoul

yes I had other friends.

my other friends - although also middle class - think primary school teachers kids etc - thought Anna was very ‘posh’ a snob etc

interestingly. Anna’s mother called 2 of my schoolfriends so not Anna’s friends - ‘awful girls’. They lived close to Anna. I was surprised by this because for one reason I was only 11 - and surprised a mum would be so directly critical to me of other kids - one of which only PRIMARY age - who she knew I’d know well!!!

OP posts: