To pay or not to pay for everyone’s dinner if I invite them out for my 50th?

[tricerotopsrule]

I was thinking of inviting around 15 pals out for dinner to a nice restaurant to mark my 50th birthday. Normally for ‘normal’ birthdays for mine or others we have all paid for our own meal. But given this is a big birthday I wondered if I should pay for everyone? When I’ve been out for other big birthdays sometimes folk have paid for everyone and other times people pay for themselves.

What’s the norm?? WWYD?

@HighLadyofTheNightCourt I’m the same. We pay for ourselves but no one is choosing a Michelin starred restaurant to go to. No one is financially embarrassed.

100% this.

Agree with this, just be upfront.

As you say there have been both types of parties where birthday person pays or individuals pay, sounds like either okay on your group.

It also helps as if for me I knew you were paying that might affect the gift giving

I have only once been in a situation where the invitee expected people to pay for their own food / drinks and it was just embarrassing. This person was in their 40s. Mind you they are a known miser. Always last to the bar. Nobody bothers with her anymore for this reason.

I think either is fine as long as it is the norm in your circles. The only issue being that if you are expecting your friends to pay you may want to rein in your choice of venue, and choose something in line with their usual budget. That might mean that it doesn’t feel as special, or a treat. There are other ways to make an evening special though.

You can’t expect your friends to pay for a lavish dinner is basically what I am saying.

I would much prefer to have a more modest celebration that I paid for - as in my friendship groups it would be seen as very poor form charging your friends celebrate with you.

I have never been to a birthday meal where the host paid and I have never done this myself,

The only time I’ve been to a restaurant and not paid for my own food is when it’s a family member who insists or my friend’s parents who never let you get to the bill first.

It’s just not something that ever happens in my social circle and no-one could afford to do that.

Even if we go for drinks at someone’s house we all take booze and snacks unless explicitly told not to.

I get in some circles (wealthy people) that might be the norm but I think overall, it’s not common.

Why would you pay?
“hey everyone, as you know it’s my 50th soon and I though it would be nice if you could join me for a lovely meal. I fancy XXX restaurant - here’s the menu. It’s a bit more pricey than other places so if you’d prefer somewhere cheaper let me know.”

Again, a mean dig at pps! And incredibly tone-deaf, too.

It's nothing to do with whether your friendships are genuine. I have various sets of lovely friends and hobby-groups I socialise with and I wouldn't socialise with them if I didn't like them and enjoy their company. That's not the point of what I was trying to say.

I notice you mention that you are happy to spend £50 regularly with your friends. Well, bully for you! Newsflash: not everyone is in that fortunate situation. I'm not quite in that bracket, but apart from myself I'm very conscious of a couple of members of the hobby group who definitely could not afford to do that more than once a year.

Honestly, the lack of imagination sometimes about how most people live. I really resent the implication that people who baulk at spending on restaurant meals are somehow not very good friends or not nice people.

That is absolutely not how it is. I do lots of hosting at home as do many of my friends and you can feed and entertain about 10 people for the price of a one person's restaurant meal. We always have a brilliant time (went to one last weekend and am going again this Sat).

100% this.

Not obviously.

If we did that none of us would ever go out for a birthday meal.

Read the room.

You were embarrassed at having to pay for your own food? Can you understand that it’s the norm in many, many circles to pay for your own meal when you got to a restaurant to celebrate someone’s birthday.

I agree. It is rather self entitled to expect someone to fork out for 10 people's meals. it's always best to assume that you are paying for yourself.

And the fact they now shun that friend says more about them tbh

I think it's more entitled to expect guests to show up to your choice of event, pay for it, and bring a gift!

We had a similar meal out with 20 friends for our silver wedding. The restaurant wanted £10/head deposit. We paid the deposits, garlic bread pizza starters and for drinks. Friends paid for their meals. This was clear on the invitation. In my circle of friends, it’s completely normal to pay for your own meal.

We went to a Mediterranean restaurant with mains from £14-£35, so a wide range of afforability.

I wouldn't expect the birthday person to pay for everyone in a restaurant. If anything, I'd think it more acceptable for everyone else to split the bill and cover the birthday person's meal.

Hard disagree, but we all pay for ourselves. You must have wealthier friends than we do.

This.

You have already said you go out for meals for birthdays and everyone pays for their own so why does being 50 change that?

I would not expect anyone to pay for my meal, invite or not, except at a wedding or food provided at a christening or funeral

”can’t believe you’re even asking that”

From this thread alone you must be able to see that there is no set rule.

I’ve been out for many many 50th birthday meals recently- never once has the birthday person paid.

if anything it was a higher standard of restaurant than normal

....but the whole point should be that there are no expectations.

Guests are invited, if they want to attend they do so on the basis that they'll be covering themselves. If they don't want to do that, they don't attend. Same as literally any other social occasion that isn't for one person's specific celebration!

Or do you only ever go out if assured someone else will foot the bill? Because if so that is a) tight b) entitled

OP hasn't indicated she'd expect a gift- again that is up to the guest to decide.

I never expect gifts.
I also don’t expect you to turn up if you don’t like the choice of venue/can’t afford/don’t like me …

Maybe your celebratory events are far more formal but ours tend to be a WhatsApp group/message saying ‘ I’m planning on going to x restaurant on x date for my birthday. Let me know if you fancy it so I can book a table’.
In all my years of doing this I’ve never paid and nobody has expected me to. And vice versa.

I’d pay for everyone.

I'm also surprised at the responses. Maybe if you are wealthy it's the done thing to pay for everyone. In Northern Ireland (in my experience) everyone pays for themselves and they generally chip in for the birthday person. Paying for 15 people if they have a drink or two and including tip could easily be £50 a head which would work out as £800 (including yourself) - could even end up closer to £1,000 😲

It's hardly compulsory on any birthday, to go out for dinner with 20 plus people. Imagine sitting there, receiving 20 gifts snd knowing many people will have paid for babysitters and made an effort to get there etc - and then letting everyone to pay for their dinner and drinks. What are you doing for your guests? Where is the 'event' you are putting on? If you can't afford to take 20 people out for dinner, then just do something you can afford - eg. have them over to your house, buffet-type thing in a bar, or a picnic - whatever. So many options. Or just take less people out for dinner. You can't expect people to sub your choice of party.

@CoffeeCantata "Honestly, the lack of imagination sometimes about how most people live"

Think this somes it up. It honestly scares me that so many people are so totally incapable of even imagining other people living lives that are slightly different to theirs (and thus have different norms, behaviour and expectations) - and that - shock horror - that doesn't automatically mean that person is WRONG!

"In my circle the person inviting pays" = fine
"OF COURSE the person inviting pays, anything else is miserly and embarrassing" = rude, myopic, and umepathetic.

Op asked what "the norm" is. Result of this thread is there is no universal or overriding norm in the UK in 2025, just what's considered standard in individual social groups.