To pay or not to pay for everyone’s dinner if I invite them out for my 50th?

[tricerotopsrule]

I was thinking of inviting around 15 pals out for dinner to a nice restaurant to mark my 50th birthday. Normally for ‘normal’ birthdays for mine or others we have all paid for our own meal. But given this is a big birthday I wondered if I should pay for everyone? When I’ve been out for other big birthdays sometimes folk have paid for everyone and other times people pay for themselves.

What’s the norm?? WWYD?

A very unfair comment.

There are lots of ways to have a party and it’s always been the case that the host pays to entertain and feed invited guests (at home, which is what I and all my friends do), or at a hired venue with caterers.

Now, going to a restaurant is a different kettle of fish and I can understand why it causes uncertainty. It’s usually very expensive. I go out with groups sometimes and it’s absolutely understood that we’re all paying for ourselves. But if you invite people to celebrate with you…you are choosing the restaurant and the time and summoning them to YOUR event. They might think ‘Oh God - I can’t afford that place!’ And if the idea is to split the bill then such people will have little control over how much they’ll end up paying. I speak from bitter experience!

And pps are even saying that their usual arrangement is for the guests to pay for the celebrant too. So let me get this right…you invite people to celebrate your event at the place and time of your choice, to pay for all the food (not just theirs), and pay for yours too? Just what kind of ‘hosting’ is that, exactly? Sounds like old-fashioned freeloading, or CFery as MN likes to call it.

If you do this the very least you should do as a host is to veto any kind of present from your guests. But you’d still, in effect, be expecting them to shell out nearly 100quid even without buying you a present.

Am I missing something here? Would most people be OK with this?

I once went for a meal where the hosts paid.

its certainly not the normal !

I think it’s a depends answer. Since 40 I haven’t been to a birthday celebration that’s formal where I have paid. If the invite is more of a casual get together around a birthday the bill is split. I have been to other events where the host makes a bit of a faff over the bill ‘ Oh where do I get the bill, I am getting this’ etc and someone will say ‘let’s split’ that’s quite annoying when you have spent quite a bit on a gift and you know the person suggesting that hasn’t.
So, I would say if you have picked a fancy restaurant and you have invited a group of friends then you should pay. However, I have friends who are very good at being the host and pick a selection of starters to share and have said ‘ who would like x,us” thus excluding the expensive items. Another option is ask people what they would like before the meal and give menu options or ask the restaurant for a reduced menu to be handed out, or go for a set menu.

I’m thinking that!

Are we talking very affluent SE customs here?

If you can afford to pay, then that would be great. If you can’t, I’d make sure they know that they would need to pay for themselves, or you could put whatever you can afford towards it, so they don’t need to pay the full amount. Enjoy celebrating your 50th!

If a party is hosted most people will bring booze and often food as well - we all share the costs
so rude to turn up and expect to have everything provided

the only exception I can think of is a wedding

And yep, it's often a class thing.

Poor people would NEVER expect their guests to pay when inviting them out ot dinner. Posh people often try to be sly about it.

But EVERYONE knows that if you invite people out for a birthday dinner you as the person doing the inviting are expected to pay.

However, again if you can't pay or don't want to, that's ok. but OP be very very very aware that this WILL cause issues unless you make it crystal clear.

You tell them you cannot afford to pay for them and that them turning up and paying for themselves is your birthday gift.

It's just that clear cut, and not at all complicated.

I’m SE but my very working class, not at all affluent grandparents would have always paid for a birthday celebration. Admittedly that would likely have been a Berni Inn or similar, not anywhere posh (they’d all be well over 100 now if they were still alive)

My father always insisted on it as well - actually, he had a belief that not only should one person pay, but if it was an anniversary meal it was bad form for the couple to pay so he insisted for their big anniversary that I put it on my credit card so it didn’t look like he was paying (but he paid the credit card 😂)

So it may be a regional / older custom, but I don’t think it’s “affluent”.

If it's at a restaurant, then it's normal in my circle for everyone to pay for themselves. I recently went to a 50th at a restaurant and would never have dreamt that the birthday person would pay for everyone. The only exception would be if we were out with my parents and they tend to pay, but that's close family.

We just had a party at home for DC's 18th and we paid for all the food and drink.

Surely most people couldn't afford to pay for 15 people to eat in a restaurant? Of course, some could, but people I know couldn't.

Lovely if you’re able and inclined to pay, but no issue whatever in my groups either way.

Just make it clear whether you’re ‘inviting’ or ‘organising a gathering’ by e.g. sending menu with prices if individuals are paying.

Oh, and present-buying norms in my groups would remain the same either way, none of this sniffy ‘don’t expect presents if you’re not paying for their dinners’. 🙄

I’ve always paid for the meals and table wine. Any other drinks, they pay for themselves.

I would say - would you like to join me at x for my 50th? I’ll buy all the booze and people buy their own food. People can then accept or decline either no awkwardness at the restaurant.
personally I would expect to pay for myself if I was invited to a restaurant for a celebration.
Of course if you can afford it and want to treat everyone - do it. There are no ‘rules’.

Not true at all! I know two very wealthy people one is family member other friend and both have never paid for entire groups meal! It’s normal to split the bill. I don’t even think they bought wine for table, everything was divided up at the end equally

EVERYONE knows? Well clearly they don't. Hence all these posts. I agree about making it clear. But it's certainly not a given that the host will pay unless you're told otherwise.

My concern is that a birthday invitation to a restaurant meal isn’t the same as a casual friendship or hobby group outing. Invitees will feel an obligation to go even if it will put a strain on their finances.

I still think you should only do this if you are actually hosting- ie, paying. If you can’t afford it, do something you can afford - don’t put your guests in a difficult situation.

Personally I’d be cringing!

I think the 'you invited me so you pay' school of thought says a lot about those individuals friendships.l tbh.

In the non MN world, people actually enjoy spending time with friends and celebrating birthdays and don't begrudge spending £50 on a meal out with good company. Pleasant friendship groups would consider what is affordable amongst all members and, to be honest, most people enjoy going out for a curry over posh restaurants.

On MN friendships are purely transactional and very formal. People resent spending any money on a friend's birthday and expect a free meal for the pleasure of their company. Absolutely bizarre. If you don't like these people then don't call them friends.

I disagree that “posh people are cost avoiding and poor people would never expect others to pay” - and lovely arrogant stereotypes

Mostly because I am not from a wealthy background at all

sometimes a few of us overpay so that those who are minimum wage end up paying less by accident but that’s not quite the same thing

there is a subgroup of people who care deeply about appearances -think Hyacinth bucket - proud and arrogant and lacking self awareness usually

The word no or effusive - thanks - can’t afford it

I would never expect someone to pay for my meal on their birthday - unless it was a catered sort of thing (BBQ or afternoon tea where there was no choice in what we got handed to eat). Normal restaurant ordering off the menu, we’d always pay for ourselves and the birthday person.

I’m very middle class and I’ve never in my life been to a birthday dinner where the hosts paid for everyone. Only exception was a 50th birthday where hosts hired out the pub and put out plates of sandwiches and sausage rolls (we bought all our own drinks though). Just not the done thing in my circles.

These responses are a clear mix of strong opinions on both sides! My conclusion is that it's crucial to be up front when inviting people. I hate the awkward moment when the bill comes if people haven't agreed beforehand who will pay. And I don't like the argument that if you can't afford to pay for everyone, you shouldn't have a birthday meal out - a lot of friends are more than happy to pay their way as long as they know in advance and expect it. You should choose somewhere affordable or subsidise the costs, if the restaurant is expensive.

My 40th birthday is coming up and I've hired a private room in a bar, there will be around 25 guests and I'm paying for a decent amount of canapés, and a DJ. I worded the invitation carefully to make it clear that canapés will be provided and that people will be expected to pay for their own drinks. It's costing me £500 and I'm providing food and entertainment, I don't think it's too much to ask people to pay for their drinks - especially as some might have several cocktails and others might just have one or two soft drinks.

One dynamic I find very strange is going out for meals with extended family. When my grandad was alive he'd sneak off and pay the whole bill, for his adult son and daughter-in-law plus adult grandchildren, even if my parents had organised the meal out. It wasn't expected but was obviously much appreciated. After he died, I'd kind of assumed that my parents would follow his quietly generous lead, and pay the bill themselves (they can comfortably afford it, whereas my siblings and I have mortgage and childcare to pay for). But we've had a couple of meals out when they've just sat there at the end and waited for us to pay for it - they didn't even offer to split the bill. We found that very strange and it's completely put us off eating out with them. They never suggest it and I don't dare suggest it any more in case they are assuming that I'm inviting them and will pay. Frankly I don't want to pay for them, they have much more disposable income than DH and I.

I agree.

And I don't like the argument that if you can't afford to pay for everyone, you shouldn't have a birthday meal out - a lot of friends are more than happy to pay their way as long as they know in advance and expect it. You should choose somewhere affordable or subsidise the costs, if the restaurant is expensive.

I agree, but as it is the norm among everyone I know it isn't necessary to tell people that they will be paying for their own meal. It would be if I had invited @notthisagain2025

Poor people would NEVER expect their guests to pay when inviting them out ot dinner. Posh people often try to be sly about it.

I couldn't disagree more @notthisagain2025 you must move in very different circles from most people. Surely, from reading most of the responses on here you must realise that most people simply can't afford to treat a party of people in a restaurant these days.

Same here! I've never been to anything like this either (except weddings or buffets at parties).

Your birthday, your choice of venue - you pay. Obviously.

People will feel obliged to come and will also bring a gift! Would you seriously ask them to pay for dinner as well?

If you can't afford it, do something else you can afford.

EVERYONE knows? Really? Cos I’m in my 40’s and have a very wide and eclectic group of friends who socialise frequently and I’ve NEVER been in a situation where the invitee paid the full bill in a restaurant. We all pay for ourselves.

Not ‘obviously’. It’s clearly not the expectation for many, many people.