To pay or not to pay for everyone’s dinner if I invite them out for my 50th?

[tricerotopsrule]

I was thinking of inviting around 15 pals out for dinner to a nice restaurant to mark my 50th birthday. Normally for ‘normal’ birthdays for mine or others we have all paid for our own meal. But given this is a big birthday I wondered if I should pay for everyone? When I’ve been out for other big birthdays sometimes folk have paid for everyone and other times people pay for themselves.

What’s the norm?? WWYD?

Not my experience.... I'm from an European country but live in the UK. In my home country whoever invites-pays. Here in the UK, I've been invited to 30s, 40s and 50s parties and each time I had to pay for my meal, a present and a baby sitter.

I agree.

The difference is that I know perfectly well that many mumsnetters can afford to pay for a meal with drinks at an upmarket restaurant for several people. It is disappointing that these wealthy people are too tone deaf to understand that (I suspect) the majority of people don't, and that it is usual for people to pay for themselves.

I have never framed an invitation for a meal out so that people would expect me to pay.

And it is most definitley not rude to ask people to join you for a meal and expect them to pay for themselves. I expect that the wealthy mumsnetters would make the mistake of assuming that their meal would be paid for because that is what they would do.

But even a cheap pub is now a lot of money for more than a couple of people. Should people not celebrate events if they can't afford three figures?

Tbh I do tend to have a house party for my birthday but that’s because I’m fussy with food so restaurants don’t appeal BUT people bring their own drinks as that’s the norm in our group.

A birthday meal in my group is unlikely to be 20 plus people. It would be close friends so around 10 people and usually includes children. If it was adults only and you have children then it’s still a choice to attend or not - I’ve never begrudged using a babysitter for a night out with friends. And I certainly don’t expect that night to be paid for by someone else.

You seem to have a very transactional approach to friendship. When I get an invite I’m thinking about how lovely it will be to spend time with friends not about what I’m getting out of it. If I can’t afford it then I don’t go and I see them another time.

Absolutely this!

People in Mumsnet are insane I swear. Who the hell would expect to pay for 15 people in a restaurant!?

The same people who expect not to pay are the same who will then order the lobster and champagne.

Absolute insanity.

Sure, but I have this situation all the time (not for birthdays, just group restaurant. Meals):

i (veggie) chose my 14.99 main course (can’t afford a first course too) and have a soft drink, or just table water. I may have either a dessert if no more than 7 quid, or just a coffee. No side dishes.

When the bill comes, some bright spark who’s probably had steak and wine will say’Oh - let’s just divide it up - it’s ridiculous to start adding up individually’ and I end up paying nearly £60.

Unlike many pps here, I’m just not OK with that. And on occasions I have spoken up, but it’s never nice to have to insist and you end up with eye-rolls and an unpleasant atmosphere.

So now i only go for restaurant meals with people who share my attitude. The drinkers and gourmets can pay for themselves!

No, it’s not transactional. Quite the opposite!

I wouldn’t consider it hosting to invite to a restaurant of my choice for my event and not pay for it. I don’t do that - I invite my friends to my home. I go to restaurants for other occasions, but not to celebrate one person’s birthday.

What the PP was describing sounded very transactional to me.
Framing a social occasion around what people are getting in return for their presence feels transactional.

If I’m invited to a birthday meal or party in not thinking about what I’m getting out of that event in monetary terms (my meal and drinks paid for etc) I’m thinking about celebrating with friends and spending time in their company.

In my social circle we pay our own way and nobody ever expects anything else.

I think 'transactional' is more a descriptor of people who decide they absolutely have to celebrate their birthday at x restaurant with x number of people and expect these guests to cover this expectation - while sitting there opening gifts!

Oooh this happened in my family.

A very bragging, look at me, I'm so rich cousin invited everyone to her 50th and charged everyone.

It absolutely changed my opinion of her further, I thought she let herself down with a bang. I think it's beyond classless to invite people to a party and give them a bill. Awful.

Are the sort of person who treats an invitation as though it’s a summons? I’ve never expected any of my friends (and I only invite friends I know well) to do anything. As a group we’re ‘celebrators’ - any excuse for a bit of socialising. It’s much easier to just pay for ourselves.

I’m never offended if someone can’t make it or doesn’t want to come. And I certainly wouldn’t be offended if someone couldn’t afford it. We’re close enough to be honest with each other. We’re also mindful of each other’s circumstances.

It’s the norm in my circle of friends to pay for yourself, so people know what to expect. It would change the dynamic if people suddenly started to pay for everything. It would make people feel uncomfortable.
You’d be viewed as being a bit flash 😂

I totally agree with this. If you arrange a meal out, it’s absolutely fine for people to pay for their own provided they are told in advance and the wording is appropriate ( you can’t officially invite someone to something if you’re not paying for it, and you particularly shouldn’t issue printed invitations).
However it’s on you as the host to make sure people aren’t getting stiffed. Either by taking orders and splitting costs in advance or fairly afterwards based in what people had, or - more easily- booking somewhere with a set menu or buffet style where it’s all the same price. I would also say that the host should- if they can - cover the cost of the tip.

Wow I’m blown away by the amount of responses and the differences of opinion! I’ve had different experiences hence wondering what the done thing is.. I’ve been to a few big birthdays recently and I’ve paid for myself and didn’t bat an eyelid. The first time anyone ever paid for the whole bill was a few years ago when I went to my BIL’s surprise 60th and his wife paid for the whole thing for about 20 people. That’s the only time I think I’ve experienced this and I felt so bad as she insisted on paying for us and there were 4 of us from my side of the family.

I went for a pals 50th recently (4 of us) and we split the bill equally. Another restaurant 50th we all split the bill and also paid for the birthday girl, and gave her gifts. I didn’t even think to question it. She knew the night was happening but the WhatsApp organisation was done by another pal so does that mean since we weren’t ’invited’ directly by the birthday girl that it is different??

BTW it’s not 15 all at the one dinner, it’s 3 different friend groups for different dinners (so maybe around 15 in total across these groups) as they keep asking me what I want to do for my 50th! One group said ‘when can we take you out to dinner?’ so that feels different. But for another friend group I’m contacting friends to say ‘hey are you free on X date for dinner?’ so it feels more like I’m inviting them. Also several people in that group had their 50th at home or at a private function room where they paid for everything so I think I’d feel bad for that specific group that I then ask them to pay on my night. The third friend group are long standing pals and we always just split the bill no matter the occasion so that’s easy!

I never wanted anything fancy for my 50th so it’s not like I’m ‘formally’ inviting people to a fancy place. I feel under pressure but I just want to see good pals, have a few nice dinners, totally not fussed about gifts but I think cos my SIL paid for that 60th it got me wondering if I should do something different since it’s my 50th!!

I’m fascinated that such a large percentage of people seem to have a spare £1,000 for stuff like this. (I’m in SE btw.) If it was one of my friend’s 50th and she couldn’t afford to pay for all of us, I’d much rather we all put in for a nice evening out, than she cut her cloth as some suggest and did buffet at the local British Legion or something

why is it obvious ? How incredibly arrogant to assume that you do it the right way. Ghastly

How is it arrogant to only do what you feel you can afford?

When it was my 50th, I decided I'd really like to go for afternoon tea up the Shard as it's something I'd been wanting to do for a while. I obviously couldn't afford to take 50 or 100 people to do that, so I took 5 close girlfriends. My choice of venue, so I'm hardly going to ask them to pay. We did something else as a family.

I get it if there is a small group whi all go to each other's birthdays on rotation and tiy just pay for yourselves. If that's what you do, that's what you do.

But, in general, I'm not going to charge anyone for making the effort to show up to my birthday or other type of event. Especially when you might have different people from different areas of your life who may not know each other. When it was DH's 40th, I invited over 100 people and lots had young kids at the time. So we just had a pub with a garden and a (much cheaper) buffet on a Sunday afternoon so that nobody had to worry about babysitters and every one could relax.

That’s fine if everyone is happy with it, but my friendship groups contain a variety of people with very different incomes/budgets. Some work in finance and have hedge-fund manager partners and though they’re lovely and great fun, they are sometimes very naive about what others can afford. One woman in particular has been put under stress a few times because of this blithe, unthinking assumption that £50 is loose change to everyone.

And it shouldn’t be on the ‘poorer’ people to have to speak up - there should be more sensitivity all round to avoid embarrassing others in a different income bracket.

How is paying for food you’ve ordered and eaten the same as being charged to attend an event? They aren’t the same thing at all.

Sorry I have no idea what your point is or how it contradicts my point. My point was actually a cheaper meal is generally what people go for if going out to a restaurant and everyone pays for themselves. I never said I do that regularly. Actually DH and I tend to celebrate our birthdays with a meal out together. Also perfectly happy for friends to host if they have the space and inclination and happy to contribute with food or drink.

We are sensitive about each others circumstances.
And not one of us is even in the realms of hedge fund managers etc.

We’re average earners eating at local restaurants.

I wouldn’t expect the person inviting me to pay I have always paid

Maybe buy a few bottles of wine

When it was my 50th, I decided I'd really like to go for afternoon tea up the Shard as it's something I'd been wanting to do for a while. I obviously couldn't afford to take 50 or 100 people to do that, so I took 5 close girlfriends. My choice of venue, so I'm hardly going to ask them to pay.

In my circle of friends we would all expect to pay for ourselves and would probably share the cost of the birthday girl.

You implied that those questioning the idea that, if you invite people to a birthday celebration (restaurant or home), you should cover the cost had a transactional view of friendships. It’s just the opposite - if you are hosting in any sense, ie if the event is yours, I think it’s a bit off to expect your invitees to pay. If hosting at a restaurant is too expensive for your celebration, have a party you can afford.

Of course it’s different when it’s not a specific person’s celebration- if it’s just a get-together meal. I’m just uncomfortable with the hosting/not hosting aspect. If other people suggest going out to celebrate your birthday then that’s a straightforward situation - everyone pays for themselves. But if you’re inviting people as your guests, I don’t think it is - and you’d certainly need to veto present. In what sense would they be your guests? You’d simply be inviting them to spend money for your sake.

And some people would bring present anyway.

i do realise, reading this thread, that most pps do just seem to have a lot more disposable income than me - so maybe I’m completely out of touch. But it’s a different world to mine!

Just out of interest, could I ask how much you might pay on average and how often?

The last birthday meal was at our local Indian restaurant and cost £20 per person. We chose to split the bill on this occasion as we’d all eaten/drunk similar amounts.
This wasn’t a big birthday just a group of us who socialise regularly getting together for my friend and her 10 year old as they share a birthday.

For bigger birthdays or occasions we might go to a slightly more expensive restaurant but we all still pay for ourselves.
We’re a core group of people - 9 of us including 3 tweens/teens. Occasionally there might be more if our parents come along but we’re guaranteed 9 birthday meals throughout the year. However, we socialise frequently (pretty much weekly) so we all know what to expect and are sensitive to differing financial circumstances.