To pay or not to pay for everyone’s dinner if I invite them out for my 50th?

[tricerotopsrule]

I was thinking of inviting around 15 pals out for dinner to a nice restaurant to mark my 50th birthday. Normally for ‘normal’ birthdays for mine or others we have all paid for our own meal. But given this is a big birthday I wondered if I should pay for everyone? When I’ve been out for other big birthdays sometimes folk have paid for everyone and other times people pay for themselves.

What’s the norm?? WWYD?

A party - you pay. A meal out everyone pays for themselves unless otherwise specified

I've always been of the 'you invite, you pay' school of thought. Otherwise it strikes me like expecting others to pay for what you've chosen to do, irrespective of what their financial situation might be. I'm fortunate to be quite well off now but I took exactly the same approach during the looong part of my life when I was perma-skint, you just cut your cloth accordingly.

But you’re not paying for their celebration? You’re paying for your own meal and drinks.

I find it extraordinary that so many people have never paid for their own meal when gathering for a friend’s birthday. You must move in very very wealthy circles if people can afford to pay for 15 or 20 others.

We are all high earners but will typically pay our own way at similar events. We also bring a present - we’re acknowledging a good friends birthday, and enjoying a meal out with a group of friends.

I planned and paid for it, also my not so well off friends could come, £25 to chose from menu and drinks they bought themselves, very clear on invite, 3 yrs ago
Have tiny house, so couldn’t do anything at home

Most times I’ve been out, even for big birthdays, everyone pays. Once a friend paid for all the drinks and we each paid for our own food.
But I don’t move in circles wealthy enough to pay for 15 meals and drinks!

I’d pay…. If we were eating a Tesco meal deal each. Never in my 45 years have I expected to be paid for of invited out for bday food. I’d label anyone who was expecting to be paid for a cheeky fucker in fact.

It’s only on Mumsnet I’ve come across you invite, you pay.
I’ve always paid for my own meal. At my friend’s recent 40th meal, we all chipped in to cover her share when the bill came.
Possibly slightly different if it’s a family birthday meal. My parents or family of the older generation would probably pay for all.

I’d be really interested to see the age breakdown of the responses. I’m in my 40s and it’s quite unusual for my friends to have a spare - let’s face it nowadays - £1,000 to just whack down for a meal. It would mean a lot of pain for the birthday person whereas spreading it out would just bit a little for everyone.

There are a lot of wealthy mumsnetters on this thread with wealthy friends.
In my world at parties at friends' houses they pay for the food and some drinks. People always take a bottle of something along as well.

Meals out - no-one ever pays for the group. We have always paid individually for what we have had. It means that I can order fillet steak if I want to without feeling guilty and neck half a bottle of wine without taking the piss out of the driver.

I eat out regularly with three different groups and this has always been the case. The pubs and eaateries round here are used to 14 people presenting their debit cards to pay for their portion of the meal. We also always make sure that the bill is covered and they get a tip. I guess I am lucky that none of us a are piss takers. They would get short shrift if they were.

Depends, if close friends are saying, “what shall we do for your birthday?” Then saying shall we meet up in a restaurant is fine making it clear everyone pays their own way (if you can afford a round of drinks or wine on the table that is great but don’t if you can’t). If you send invitations to people you don’t regularly socialise with to attend your party at a restaurant then unless they are the kind of people you know always want to pay (because it’s normal in your circle) it’s fine to ask them to pay there own way but make it clear what the situation is then they can decline if out of budget

For birthdays everyone pays for themselves and then between us we split the cost of our friends meal, especially for a 50th.

Most of us won't see 60 again and many are retired.

Each paying for ourselves is an unspoken understanding among everyone I know. I have a friend who is in her 80s and she is extraordinarily generous and has paid for taxis and bought a few bottles of wine when we have eaten out, but we still each paid for our meals.

@tricerotopsruleWe have had lots of meals like this for milestone birthdays. General rule is we pay for ourselves. Some cannot afford to pay for everyone - it’s that simple. A few pay for the wine. I’ve paid for a special event for my 60th and DH had a party where we paid for everything. Friends haven’t had parties.

My advice is don’t pay but don’t choose a restaurant your friends cannot afford. Have some discussion with them. Or pay for the wine and a round of drinks to celebrate. Guests feeling significantly poorer by attending isn’t what you need. Or get caterers in. And you pay.

We take ourselves and DDs out for special birthdays and it’s £1000 for 4 of us - not 15.

If it’s a party at a restaurant everyone pays for themselves and chips in to pay for the birthday person too… in my experience .

My friend circle had this scenario, regular meals, each paying their own, even on birthdays. Come the wealthiest persons 50th she insisted picking up the tab. Very kind of her but screwed the dynamics going forward as no one else could afford to pay for every one on their big birthday. Why not just go for a meal but pay for a few bottles of champagne separate from the food with each paying for their own.

When I’ve been out for birthdays we’ve all paid for our own meal and co trusted and paid for the birthday girl. Equally for big birthdays we all contribute the and pay for an activity for birthday girl etc

We take ourselves and DDs out for special birthdays and it’s £1000 for 4 of us - not 15.

Michelin starred? I don't think we have anywhere that costs that much near us.

Even when I took DD out for lunch at a michelin starred restaurant for a 10 course tasting menu I spent a lot less than £500.

They pay.

People can say no if they don’t want to attend.
I have never been to a birthday meal where the birthday boy/girl paid for everyone.

We pay for our own and bring a present.

If I get invited to a house party I bring my own drinks and a present.

You could pay for all the drinks. Or you could put £500 towards the restaurant bill and split the rest.

Honestly never heard of it either, it’s a different world on here sometimes.

Don’t be ridiculous.

No “class shaming” from me. That’s your projection that a rule has been broken so somebody must have done something wrong.

I was pointing out the rule is not universal, it’s entirely sensible to split the bill if that’s what works.

it’s a different world on here sometimes.

It certainly is. Someone asked if it was an age related thing. I wonder if it is regional.

I have lived in West and South Yorkshire, and no-one has ever paid for a meal for an entire party in a restaurant.

I wondered the same. I’ve lived in Yorkshire and Manchester and have never known someone pay for the whole birthday meal in restaurant.
Everyone knows you pay for yourself.

Very old fashioned but if inviting couples and DH was there, all paid for by us. Girls night, we'd pay for ourselves and split the birthday girls bill.