To pay or not to pay for everyone’s dinner if I invite them out for my 50th?

[tricerotopsrule]

I was thinking of inviting around 15 pals out for dinner to a nice restaurant to mark my 50th birthday. Normally for ‘normal’ birthdays for mine or others we have all paid for our own meal. But given this is a big birthday I wondered if I should pay for everyone? When I’ve been out for other big birthdays sometimes folk have paid for everyone and other times people pay for themselves.

What’s the norm?? WWYD?

Nobody has an issues with you doing what suits you. It’s the calling people crass and entitled for doing it differently that people have an issue with.

The only person I called entitled, is the one on the other thread who was thinking of charging everyone £50 to come to dinner in some hotel. But, credit to her, she was told she was unreasonable and she took that on board. I've repeatedly said, to you @HighLadyofTheNightCourt, that you know your friends best and you do you. I'm not in your Whatssapp group am I, so what would I know.

A birthday meal very obviously isn’t the same as a wedding but the principle is exactly the same... it’s etiquette that if you invite someone to YOUR celebration, you are treating them!

We get together with friends just as informally and everyone pays for themselves.. sometimes someone will pick up the bill for everyone.. no pressure. But it’s considered bloody rude as an adult to invite people to celebrate your birthday and not to treat them. Anyone older than a teenager that is!

I think you’d find it stressful - my friends would never let you pay for them. And if you did they’d transfer you the money afterwards and try to buy you a drink 😂😂

It’s not rude. It’s just a different way of doing things.

Nobody I know would expect to turn up to someone’s birthday meal and have it paid for. The expectation would be that they’d be paying for their own food and drinks and might even chip in to pay for the birthday girl/boy.
My friends would be deeply uncomfortable with someone paying hundreds of pounds for a meal on their own birthday. It would change the dynamic of the friendship because some of the group could never, ever be able to reciprocate.

We don’t treat an invitation as though it’s a summons though. You’re not obliged to attend.

So, no. It’s not rude. It’s not entitled or crass. It’s just a different approach.

But it’s considered bloody rude as an adult to invite people to celebrate your birthday and not to treat them. Anyone older than a teenager that is!

To you and your friends maybe, but it isn't in my circle, nor of many people's circle of friends.

Why can you not understand that people do things differently from you? Your way is right for you, and my way and that of many others is right for us.

Paying for a meal for a group of people is not the one and only correct way of celebrating a birthday meal.

Pleaase accept this and try to understand that people and their finances are not all the same.

Yes , but the thing with you is your attitude..
You feel people shouldn’t celebrate their birthdays & invite their friends unless they’re paying for everyone..
If you were asked to your friends bday unless she was paying you wouldn’t go ..
Yes , I know you’d pay for all your friends if it was your bday , good for you 🙄..
It’s the high expectations & shallowness in your posts that is getting lots of posters backs up ..

It isn't in my circle.

My friends would be shocked if I said I'd pay for all of their meals because it was my birthday. Not the done thing at all.

I agree with this. Also, my friends wouldn't think I was rude if I suggested eating out at a mutually agreed restaurant with everyone paying for their own meals because no-one expects a free meal.

@cupfinalchaosI just find your assumption that your way is the right and only way so odd, etiquette appears fairly subjective surely ? Amongst my friendship groups and associations people enjoy celebrating our friends.
I just find your post quite unpleasant about “anyone older than a teenager’
what a ghastly outlook on life and friendships

@Missj25 - "If you were asked to your friends bday unless she was paying you wouldn’t go .."

No I have not said that. Anywhere.

What I have said is that, in my circles, people do not host dinners and ask guests to pay. That's just how it is.

But would you go? I don’t think you actually answered that question so I can see why the assumption is that you wouldn’t go.

Well I suppose it would depend on the person. But that's true, whether they're paying or not. It's more about making the effort to go, or where it is, as opposed to money. Or who else is going, maybe? I can't actually remember the last time anyone had a birthday dinner and charged people though.

I see friends for dinner all the time, just for general socialising or catch-ups, and we split bills, as I've said.

They aren’t ’charging’ you though. You aren’t buying a ticket 🙄
You’re literally paying for the food you eat and the drinks you drink. You’re paying the restaurant not the person.

I think minvee struggles to understand that other people do things differently to her, and thinks that her way is the only right way. Maybe reading comprehension is not her strong point.

Also, it is nothing to do with etiquette, but what is common practice in your friendship group.

The vibe I’m getting is that some people view celebrating with friends as a chore so there needs to be an incentive to attend. Hence all the talk of it being ‘worthwhile’ and being ‘charged’ to attend. Even though that makes zero sense because that’s not what’s happening. It’s not a ticketed event 😂

If I expected friends to pay for their dinner, at a venue I had arranged, it would feel, TO ME, as if I was charging them, rather than hosting them.

You may feel differently, that's up to you.

All this talk about my attitude being 'transactional' or whatever, says more about you and your 'comprehension skills' than it does about me.

Wanting to host people is not 'transactional.' To me, it's just basic.

Between DH and I, we share mixed cultures of Spanish, Indian and Iranian between us and we have friends all over London from many, many backgrounds. From friends going back to uni, through people we have worked with across the years, people we have met through the kids, hobbies, friends locally to us. Nothing is 'transactional' with any of them. It's more as you get older, you can't be out all across London every night. Well I can't, because I don't have the energy. So for us, I guess we've become more selective in terms of people we see more regularly. Socialising is one thing. But all I can tell you is, if we ask someone to our home, they are our guest. If we ask people out to dinner, they are also our guest. I really don't know what else to tell you.

Fascinated by this whole debate. Do people not do anything as a group unless one person pays for it all - see a film at the cinema, go to the theatre etc?

I couldn't see going to see a film at the Odeon as me "hosting" them - if I suggested this to friends I think they'd think I was delusional!

Nobody I know would expect to turn up to someone’s birthday meal and have it paid for. The expectation would be that they’d be paying for their own food and drinks and might even chip in to pay for the birthday girl/boy.
My friends would be deeply uncomfortable with someone paying hundreds of pounds for a meal on their own birthday. It would change the dynamic of the friendship because some of the group could never, ever be able to reciprocate.

Same here. It would seem incredibly forced and uncomfortable in my group.

Apologies if this has already been asked but how would you feel if someone else invited you out for their birthday meal and you were expected to cover the cost of your meal?

@Squirrelmirrel - I wouldn't particularly care. It would totally depend on the context.

The last time this happened was about 15 years ago with this woman who, I have to say, was a bit strange. She was following me around, but this was when the kids were young and I thought she was quite harmless and a bit lonely and just wanted company for her kids. One day she caught me in the street on a Friday afternoon, saying please come to my DH's birthday get-together tomorrow, it's in this room above a pub. Well I just assumed we could pop in for an hour on our way out of town, say hi, have a drink and leave, because this room gets used by lots of people for buffet / drinks type events (I'd even used it myself for that purpose).

But, when we get there, she had the room set up for dinner for about 20 people. So we felt obliged to sit there for hours, eat a three-course dinner. Bear in mind we have 4 kids and they were all bored and the food wasn't really their thing. We didn't know any of her other friends. And then, as we were leaving, she asked us for about £250. We thought we were just dropping by for a drink!

So that behaviour, to me, is extremely rude because she shouid have at least mentioned it was a formal dinner. She just wanted us to make up numbers, I think.

On the other hand, I have 5 girlfriends from uni and we meet up regularly. We'd been talking about going back for a weekend in our old uni town for ages, but never got round to it with kids etc. But when it was one of their 50th's, we did it. We all paid for our own accommodation and the friend bought dinner on the Saturday night. It was a great weekend.

It's the expectation of reciprocity that makes it transactional.

And you literally said that even if doing something as informal as meeting for a chat on a park bench you feel you would have to "make it worth their while" by bringing them free food and drink to get a friend to show up, which is just depressing.

If you honestly "just wanted to treat" people who were special to you then you would make a point of saying YOU always pay for them but you wouldn't expect them to pay for you. So in OPs case you would have replied "well I'd pay for my friends, but if you were my friend inviting me out I'd pay for myself." Not "OF COURSE you should pay."

No, I said if I am inviting someone to something, I will provide the 'something.'

I don't know anyone who would think otherwise.

But all I can tell you is, if we ask someone to our home, they are our guest. If we ask people out to dinner, they are also our guest. I really don't know what else to tell you

The difference is that most of us don't view our friends as guests when eating out, even if it is for a birthday. You clearly do. Your way is not the only right way. You need to be less narrow minded about how other people like to celebrate with their friends.

If I invite someone to my house I am the host. You seem to have difficulty separating that from meeting friends in a restaurant. I am not the host in a restaurant.

You have a very rigid way of thinking. I have no difficulty accepting that you and your friends have the disposable income to treat each other. Can you not reciprocate this understanding that most people don't?