To pay or not to pay for everyone’s dinner if I invite them out for my 50th?

[tricerotopsrule]

I was thinking of inviting around 15 pals out for dinner to a nice restaurant to mark my 50th birthday. Normally for ‘normal’ birthdays for mine or others we have all paid for our own meal. But given this is a big birthday I wondered if I should pay for everyone? When I’ve been out for other big birthdays sometimes folk have paid for everyone and other times people pay for themselves.

What’s the norm?? WWYD?

You keep mentioning gifts, but what if there aren't any? My friends and I don't usually bring gifts to birthday meals. With one group, many years ago, some of us brought small token gifts.

The birthday is more of an excuse for a meal out than a party with invitations.

I didn’t …

Yes, same. We might do cards for a big birthday, but no gifts other than buying the birthday person a drink / possibly chipping in for their meal.

Also, you have no idea where I come from, my priorities or my finances. People can have different perspectives, without resorting to insults like 'thick mince.' What I am saying on here is just how I was brought up, And I'd never even been in a restaurant, I don't think, until I was about 15. As I said, where I come from, hospitality matters and this is just how I see things.

I hold my hand up to the mince comment because you don't seem to get that your way is not the only way.

Do you always see things in such a black and white way?

No I don't see things as black and white particularly. I suppose we all have things we would do and would not do. I'd never actually considered any of this until I got into this discussion on MN.

I don’t think there is a normal. I always expect to pay for my share of the bill, always! I have been treated on occasion of someone’s birthday and I have bought everyone dinner on my birthday. It’s a lovely surprise when someone decides to do it but no one should ever expect it.

Agreed ..
Also the stupid comment about UNI students 🙄..
Actually what generally happens is every one chips in for the Home made curry & drinks for whoever’s bday it happens to be ..

Well said 👌

Yes it IS the same as a wedding in that YOU have invited the guests no matter what the occasion.

What a silly answer. I can only give MY opinion, not yours or anyone else’s.

but OP doesn't think she is entitled to anything. You might want to look up the meaning of the word in a dictionary. She isn't demanding or expecting people come to her birthday. She is giving them the option to come if they want. If they don't or can't afford it, they won't.

I wouldn't count people who only spent time with me if I 'made it worth their while' via some form of material gratification as friends, to be honest. What a sad, transactional way of looking at things.
'Worth the while' of seeing friends to me is having a laugh, chat, spending quality time together. Not who I can get a free meal out of.

I feel a bit sorry for you actually if you feel you have to pay people to get them to spend time with you - although if you're saying you wouldn't bother going to their birthdays unless they covered your meal and drinks I suppose it all works out, and you're welcome/well suited to one another! Just wouldn't be the sort of people I'd fancy being mates with.

You really think going to a restaurant for a meal with your friends is the same as a wedding?

It seems to me like some people on this thread have very formal relationships with their friends which is reflected in their social gatherings.

My friendship groups are very chilled and a birthday meal is likely to be at a local restaurant where we go regularly. The ‘invite’ will be a WhatsApp message with no pressure or expectation. We enjoy spending time with each other and a birthday is just another excuse to socialise. We also organise other celebrations such as graduations, new jobs, new business, kids birthdays etc. We always just pay for ourselves.

Yes, twist it like that if it makes you feel better.

But that is how you are coming across. Its sounds like a very transactional relationship.
You might not view it like that but what you have written comes across that way.
You’ve not talked about the joy and pleasure of spending time with friends. It’s all been about being financially worth your while or making sure it’s financially worthwhile for your friends.

What a strange response

What I'm describing is actually the opposite of transactional. It's quite sad, in my view, that you would try to twist it like that. It's about wanting to treat the people who are special to me. Whether I invite them to my home, a restaurant, whatever, that's how I see it. This is hardly unusual.

@cupfinalchaos - I agree it's not that different to a wedding because you have invited people. Same principle, just on a different scale (probably).

Mind you, I've think I've read about some people on here deciding they absolutely have to get married in the Maldives or some far-fling destination and so, on that basis, believe it's quite reasonable to ask people to pay for their own flights and accommodation, etc. I wouldn't do that either, but there you go.

Nobody is twisting anything. We can only go off the words you write. Your focus has been primarily has been on the ‘worthwhile’ aspect rather than enjoying spending time with your friends.

Of course there’s nothing wrong with wanting to treat your friends. You just need to understand that that will look different for different people. I can’t afford to pay hundreds of pounds on a birthday meal despite having a relatively well paid job. And I know my friends certainly can’t either so we treat each other in different ways. If I know my friend is having a tough week I’ll drop off a bottle of wine or sometimes I’ll see a book I know she will like so send it to her. Or I’ll babysit her kids or take them out for a few hours so she can study. That’s how we show we care - it doesn’t have to be a grand, expensive gesture.

This is quite common.. half the wedding I’ve been asked to have been abroad but no pressure ever to go.

I have repeatedly said the same @HighLadyofTheNightCourt .

I’ve been to a few destination weddings. I’ve always paid for my own travel and hotel. Would you expect the bride and groom to pay for your holiday?

I personally would not ask people pay flights and accomodation to attend my wedding, no. If that meant we didn't get married abroad, so be it. Or we'd just pay for very close family to come abroad and then have a party for others when we got back. Or go abroad on our own.

But lots of people are willing and more than happy to pay to attend a wedding abroad. Just like most people are happy to pay for their own meal in a restaurant.

Do you worry a lot about what people think about you? You seem driven by ensuring you’ve not asked too much of people and that you’ve made it worth their while to spend time with you.

To be frank, I don't really care what people think @HighLadyofTheNightCourt . It's just something I personally wouldn't do. That's all there is to it.

I've just been out with two friends tonight. We split the bill. Sometimes, it might go that I'll pay one time, then a friend gets it the next time. On the other hand, it's my birthday in a few weeks. If I decide to take certain people out for dinner, I will. If I can't be bothered, then I won't.