Page 19 | To pay or not to pay for everyone’s dinner if I invite them out for my 50th?

RampantIvy · 29/10/2025 14:24

minvee · 29/10/2025 13:44

There is a thread now from someone turning 50. She fancies inviting 40 or so people out to lunch in a hotel room. She is asking if she is reasonable or unreasonable to charge all these people £50 per head, plus whatever they have to drink. Oh, and if they want to stay the night in the hotel they are free to do so. How magnanimous.

To my mind, this would be the height of entitlement. Just because you have a wish for a particular party, why shouid everyone else pay for it? And bring gifts too! I can't understand this mentality at all.

I agree with you there. I couldn't be bothered to post on that thread either. Our group meals out tend to be at the local Indian or Italian or mutually agreed pub where people choose their own meals and we all know we are going to paying for our own food.

That scenario is entirely different and cheeky.

minvee · 29/10/2025 15:01

I do understand if you're in a small-ish group of friends and the tradition is you go for dinner on birthdays and all pay for your own. If that's what you do and everyone prefers that, then each to their own.

However, I don't think the accusations of 'tone deaf' or ''you don't get it because you're rich' are entirely fair either. It's all relative, after all. I mean, in the scenario above, most of our friends wouldn't be bothered about paying £50 plus for dinner on a hotel for my birthday. But that's not the point - I would never dream of asking people to do that, as a matter of principle. It would feel entitled and crass. I wouldn't have a good time at all if I thought it was at other people's expense.

minvee · 29/10/2025 15:04

The way I see it is that if people make the effort to come out at my request and bring gifts, I want to give them something back.

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 29/10/2025 15:05

minvee · 29/10/2025 15:01

I do understand if you're in a small-ish group of friends and the tradition is you go for dinner on birthdays and all pay for your own. If that's what you do and everyone prefers that, then each to their own.

However, I don't think the accusations of 'tone deaf' or ''you don't get it because you're rich' are entirely fair either. It's all relative, after all. I mean, in the scenario above, most of our friends wouldn't be bothered about paying £50 plus for dinner on a hotel for my birthday. But that's not the point - I would never dream of asking people to do that, as a matter of principle. It would feel entitled and crass. I wouldn't have a good time at all if I thought it was at other people's expense.

So it’s ‘each to their own’ or it’s entitled and crass.
Which is it?

minvee · 29/10/2025 15:16

I'm saying, if you have a set grouo and this is what you do, then fair enough. You all know each other and that is your tradition.

When DH and I go out for dinner with other couples generally, we'll all pay for our own. But if someone decides they want to organise a birthday dinner, they would pay. This has been the case since we were in our 20s.

Cost is relative. We all have things we'd like to do but can't afford.

minvee · 29/10/2025 15:24

If I can put it this way - if it was your birthday and you invited people to your house to celebrate, would you not feel the need to provide them with something, knowing they would be bringing gifts?

Isayitasitis · 29/10/2025 15:34

For my 30th we had dinner out at a cheapish restaurant, everyone paid for themselves. However, I did put money to wards bottles of wine on the table so everyone got at least a drink.

I couldn't have afforded to pay for everyone but I just wanted to spend time with the poeple that mattered to me.

Missj25 · 29/10/2025 15:51

tricerotopsrule · 25/10/2025 22:48

I was thinking of inviting around 15 pals out for dinner to a nice restaurant to mark my 50th birthday. Normally for ‘normal’ birthdays for mine or others we have all paid for our own meal. But given this is a big birthday I wondered if I should pay for everyone? When I’ve been out for other big birthdays sometimes folk have paid for everyone and other times people pay for themselves.

What’s the norm?? WWYD?

Happy Birthday OP 🥳 😊..
It’s my 50th on the 11th November, my Birthday Dinner is Sat 8th , there is 12 of us & everyone pays their own , this is how we always do things & mine is kindly paid for .. I’ll buy wine for the table ..
I don’t actually invite anyone, it’s put in our group chat whoever’s birthday it is & where it has been booked 😊

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 29/10/2025 15:56

minvee · 29/10/2025 15:24

If I can put it this way - if it was your birthday and you invited people to your house to celebrate, would you not feel the need to provide them with something, knowing they would be bringing gifts?

Again, going out for a meal in a restaurant is not the same as having a party at your house. Why is that so difficult to understand.

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 29/10/2025 15:57

minvee · 29/10/2025 15:16

I'm saying, if you have a set grouo and this is what you do, then fair enough. You all know each other and that is your tradition.

When DH and I go out for dinner with other couples generally, we'll all pay for our own. But if someone decides they want to organise a birthday dinner, they would pay. This has been the case since we were in our 20s.

Cost is relative. We all have things we'd like to do but can't afford.

But what you’re essentially saying is that if you aren’t wealthy enough to pay for all of your friends to have a meal then you don’t deserve to celebrate your birthday in public.
It’s a pretty disgusting attitude tbh.

EconomyClassRockstar · 29/10/2025 15:59

If a friend cares enough that they want me to be there celebrating their 50th, they're not paying for my meal. I'm going. In fact, they're not paying for their meal either.

No5ChalksRoad · 29/10/2025 16:01

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 29/10/2025 15:57

But what you’re essentially saying is that if you aren’t wealthy enough to pay for all of your friends to have a meal then you don’t deserve to celebrate your birthday in public.
It’s a pretty disgusting attitude tbh.

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No one "deserves" to celebrate their birthday in any particular mode or style. Come on. It's not "disgusting" to point out that some people can afford things that others can't.

I know people who fly to Paris or NYC for birthdays; is it "disgusting" to observe that not everyone can afford to do that?

People need to adjust expectations to what they can afford. Putting others to expense in order to have a "me, me, me!!!!" celebration is rude. People should host the party they can afford; if that's a picnic in the park with coke and crisps and homemade sandwiches, so be it.

There's nothing stopping friends from organizing something, but if they don't step up and do so, it's rude to spend their money for them.

Wellyoudidaskaboutit · 29/10/2025 16:06

I would expect everyone to pay for themselves.

However, I'd be mindful of the budget when I chose where we were going. I'd rather have bums on seats somewhere cheap than a meal somewhere expensive that half of the people can't afford.

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 29/10/2025 16:27

No5ChalksRoad · 29/10/2025 16:01

No one "deserves" to celebrate their birthday in any particular mode or style. Come on. It's not "disgusting" to point out that some people can afford things that others can't.

I know people who fly to Paris or NYC for birthdays; is it "disgusting" to observe that not everyone can afford to do that?

People need to adjust expectations to what they can afford. Putting others to expense in order to have a "me, me, me!!!!" celebration is rude. People should host the party they can afford; if that's a picnic in the park with coke and crisps and homemade sandwiches, so be it.

There's nothing stopping friends from organizing something, but if they don't step up and do so, it's rude to spend their money for them.

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Thankfully my friends like me and I like them. Not one of us had they had an issue paying for our own food and drinks if we’re invited out for a meal to celebrate a friend’s birthday.
Calling people entitled or crass for inviting friends out for a meal with the expectation that people pay for their own meal is just awful. Telling to people to have the celebration they can afford by hosting at home is tone deaf. As for a picnic in the park with Coke and crisps … how patronising can you get? Also, I’m guessing you’ve never been to the north of England in autumn and winter?
Celebrating your birthday in a restaurant with your friends should be pleasurable and isn’t a huge ask. If you don’t want to or can’t afford your own meal then don’t go. It’s not a summons.
It’s obviously a shock to you that not everyone is wealthy, not everyone has the ability to save huge sums of money and not everyone has a house big enough for a party or lives somewhere where outdoor celebrations can be held mist of the year round.

minvee · 29/10/2025 16:28

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 29/10/2025 15:56

Again, going out for a meal in a restaurant is not the same as having a party at your house. Why is that so difficult to understand.

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Why is it so different? If I asked people to my house for my birthday, I would make it worth their while. Same in a restaurant. Same if I had my birthday anywhere - in the park, on the beach, in a pub, doing an activity, on holiday - wherever.

Again, if you have a fixed group of friends and your tradition is you pay for yourselves, then that's what you do.

But as a general rule, nobody is entitled to do anything, just because that's what they happen to want. I'm sure we'd all love to do all sorts of things. Fine, just don't feel entitled to do it at other people's expense.

CrocusVase · 29/10/2025 16:32

People should host the party they can afford; if that's a picnic in the park with coke and crisps and homemade sandwiches, so be it.

That’s pretty difficult to organise if your birthday falls between about October and April…

It really is pretty standard these days for people to pay their own way for a restaurant meal. Perhaps posters saying otherwise haven’t kept up with modern etiquette.

If I was hosting a party, not organising a meal, it would be different.

minvee · 29/10/2025 16:37

Even kids at uni on student budgets - obviously they can't afford to take 20 mates for dinner. So what they might do instead, is make a big curry or whatever, and host people that way. The point is, they are providing something to say thanks for coming and thanks for the gift - it's the gesture that counts.

dimension2025 · 29/10/2025 16:40

minvee · 29/10/2025 16:37

Even kids at uni on student budgets - obviously they can't afford to take 20 mates for dinner. So what they might do instead, is make a big curry or whatever, and host people that way. The point is, they are providing something to say thanks for coming and thanks for the gift - it's the gesture that counts.

Edited

You seem increasingly insufferable and rather arrogant

minvee · 29/10/2025 16:44

And I think if you decide that you absolutely must go out for dinner for your birthday somewhere you can't afford to pay for your guests, the least you can do is buy them all a drink for being do kind as to show up for you with a gift.

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 29/10/2025 16:46

minvee · 29/10/2025 16:37

Even kids at uni on student budgets - obviously they can't afford to take 20 mates for dinner. So what they might do instead, is make a big curry or whatever, and host people that way. The point is, they are providing something to say thanks for coming and thanks for the gift - it's the gesture that counts.

Edited

And if you don’t have a house big enough?

RampantIvy · 29/10/2025 16:47

minvee · 29/10/2025 16:28

Why is it so different? If I asked people to my house for my birthday, I would make it worth their while. Same in a restaurant. Same if I had my birthday anywhere - in the park, on the beach, in a pub, doing an activity, on holiday - wherever.

Again, if you have a fixed group of friends and your tradition is you pay for yourselves, then that's what you do.

But as a general rule, nobody is entitled to do anything, just because that's what they happen to want. I'm sure we'd all love to do all sorts of things. Fine, just don't feel entitled to do it at other people's expense.

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Bangs head against a brick wall.

It is different.

If I invite people to my house I am the host and I provide food and drink accordingly. If I ask people if they would like to join me for a meal at a restaurant I am not the host. We discuss among ourselves where we would like to eat. None of us pay for anything other than our own meals and there is no expectation from anyone that the person celebrating their birthday should pay for everyones meals, because that is customary for us.

Why is that so difficult to understand?

I appreciate that your way is right for you, so why do you think that the majority of us who don't celebrate birthdays the way you do is wrong?

Why? Just why?

You seem increasingly insufferable and rather arrogant

And thick as mince, or should it be as thick as a thick fillet steak?

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 29/10/2025 16:48

minvee · 29/10/2025 16:44

And I think if you decide that you absolutely must go out for dinner for your birthday somewhere you can't afford to pay for your guests, the least you can do is buy them all a drink for being do kind as to show up for you with a gift.

In my circle of friends is customary for people to buy the birthday girl/boy a drink. Not the other way around.
But then again we don’t buy gifts just to expect something in return. We buy gifts because we like our friends.

minvee · 29/10/2025 16:53

As I have repeatedly said @HighLadyofTheNightCourt , you do you.

To me, hospitality is very inportant so I wouldn't invite anyone to my birthday if I couldn't at least offer them something. That is my norm and I'm far from being the only one!

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 29/10/2025 16:57

minvee · 29/10/2025 16:53

As I have repeatedly said @HighLadyofTheNightCourt , you do you.

To me, hospitality is very inportant so I wouldn't invite anyone to my birthday if I couldn't at least offer them something. That is my norm and I'm far from being the only one!

But why the need to act all superior about it? Like your way is how it should be done and any alternative is crass or entitled?

Your throw away comments about hosting at home or buying drinks etc are really tone deaf. You obviously don’t know any poor people (or at least I hope you don’t) as you’re completely oblivious.

minvee · 29/10/2025 17:00

At least I didn't need to lower myself to calling anybody 'thick as mince' or 'insufferable.'