To pay or not to pay for everyone’s dinner if I invite them out for my 50th?

[tricerotopsrule]

I was thinking of inviting around 15 pals out for dinner to a nice restaurant to mark my 50th birthday. Normally for ‘normal’ birthdays for mine or others we have all paid for our own meal. But given this is a big birthday I wondered if I should pay for everyone? When I’ve been out for other big birthdays sometimes folk have paid for everyone and other times people pay for themselves.

What’s the norm?? WWYD?

I've never been to a birthday meal where I haven't paid myself. I wouldn't expect someone to pay for my meal just because they've invited me for their birthday.

No one I know would be able to afford that.

I would expect to pay if invited to a meal. I would expect it to be a reasonably priced place though and to choose my own food.
If you wanted to pay for something I might do shared starters for the table or dessert.

Yes, but they shouldn't choose a venue and date and send out invites. They should discuss where/when to go with everyone.

Who sends out formal invites for a meal?!
In my experience it’s a WhatsApp message saying ‘ I’m planning on going to x on y date for my birthday, let me know if you fancy it so I can book a table’.

Nobody is being forced to attend.
If you got the above message would you only attend if they were paying for you?
Are you only allowed to have a preference on where you’d like to eat on your birthday if you’re wealthy?

And that is what happens in my circle. I don't "send out invitations" when I ask friends to join me for a birthday meal in a restaurant. I just discuss it with them informally, and we discuss where to go among ourselves.

I think if you decide to pay you should pay in advance for say , set meal and wine for the table . Otherwise you may have a situation where someone wants to pay for you because it’s your birthday , and others aren’t expecting to / can’t afford to or whatever. The embarrassing thing would be for one guest to want to pay and end up paying for everyone who doesn’t/cant . If there are 15 of you the restaurant would probably appreciate a pre order anyway.

So don’t arrange a dinner.

How unpleasant and entitled

Why not? That's completely normal in my circle because no one is wealthy and can afford to pay for dinner for everyone and we'd never go out for dinner otherwise because it's for birthdays etc only as a treat.

Why?
It’s OP’s occasion.

Me too, I'm 47 and it's always been that we pay for ourselves if we go out, just dinner parties at home that we pay for the whole meal. But my dad and uncle are very much of the mind that the invitee pays.

I’ve never come across the birthday bit/ girl paying before! In my friend and family group everyone pays for themselves- and they might split the birthday boy/ girls bill between them too!

The OP is fine she should enjoy her birthday and not pay

So only wealthy people get to celebrate their birthday in a restaurant? What an unpleasant attitude.

So poor people can't arrange to meet up with friends for a meal for their birthday then? And lots of restaurants will close because only wealthy people will be able to eat out with their friends on their birthday.

Your logic is flawed and you are tone deaf.

Rubbish! Yes of course it’s lovely if the host is able to cover everyone’s meals but is absolutely not the norm.

The "you invite, you pay" is fine if you are wealthy, but most of us are not.

The overprivileged on this thread obviously have no idea that most people are happy to join their friends and pay for their own meals, and their rigid insistence that poor people aren't allowed to have birthdays says a lot about them.

I guess in your friend's situation, if you all have an understanding and you know he wants to go out for dinner, then that's that. I guess he doesn't go out often, based on what you describe.

In OP's case however, she can afford it. She is 50 years old, not 20 and starting out in life. Her parents must be elderly. If you can't treat your family and friends on your 50th in some way (doesn't have to be dinner), then I think that's a shame.

I agree there are some unpleasant attitudes here but I don't think it's just an income thing. Plenty of my friends are relatively comfortable financially and I guess could technically afford to pay for everyone, they just wouldn't think of doing so because we've never done it that way and I doubt anyone thinks the current system needs 'fixing'. I think it's more generational (possibly regional or class based etc as well)? My dad found the idea of everyone paying separately incredibly awkward and embarrassing, so someone always had to pay the whole bill at any family or group dinner. But no one I know of my own generation would see it that way.

What is the shit date. OP is deliberately avoiding telling us. It's not lead up to Christmas and is a Saturday. 26th is a Saturday and 3rd Jan and 14th Feb. I'm going with 26th especially with post about engineering works and reduced public transport. In Ireland 26th is a huge going out night so no way you wouldn't of been out on your birthday here if it was 26th. But UK different and probably not so much.
We do birthday meals where you pay for yourself all the time. But not a fixed contribution. Just pay for what you order.

My friend is 45. Don’t assume only young people are facing financial challenges. It’s so ignorant of you.

And my friendship group is older, yet we all still pay for ourselves regardless of how much money we have. Maybe it's a Yorkshire thing. It's just customary in my circles.

You can't reason with the tone deaf.

There is a thread now from someone turning 50. She fancies inviting 40 or so people out to lunch in a hotel room. She is asking if she is reasonable or unreasonable to charge all these people £50 per head, plus whatever they have to drink. Oh, and if they want to stay the night in the hotel they are free to do so. How magnanimous.

To my mind, this would be the height of entitlement. Just because you have a wish for a particular party, why shouid everyone else pay for it? And bring gifts too! I can't understand this mentality at all.

I agree with @RampantIvy. I am much older now but when many of my friends were 50, they were under the cosh of teenagers and school fees and uni expenses.

If a group of friends decide to go out for a birthday, it's customary to pay for one's own meal. The birthday person might buy some wine but it tends to be reciprocated. I have a dear friend who I see for lunch 2/3 times a year and we take it in turns to pay.

It's quite different from sending an invitation to a party or event which is usually on the host and those who accept are guests.

At 50 people have another 18 years of work ahead of them and often 10 to 15 of mortgage. Teenagers are far more expensive than younger children.

Yes, I couldn't be bothered to post on that thread.