To pay or not to pay for everyone’s dinner if I invite them out for my 50th?

[tricerotopsrule]

I was thinking of inviting around 15 pals out for dinner to a nice restaurant to mark my 50th birthday. Normally for ‘normal’ birthdays for mine or others we have all paid for our own meal. But given this is a big birthday I wondered if I should pay for everyone? When I’ve been out for other big birthdays sometimes folk have paid for everyone and other times people pay for themselves.

What’s the norm?? WWYD?

But not everyone is in a position to save and pay for something like that.
The suggestion seems to be that poor people shouldn’t expect to be able to celebrate their birthday with their friends. I don’t know anyone who begrudges paying for their own meal in a restaurant for someone’s birthday. In fact, we actively choose to do it as it’s a pleasurable experience.
If I tried to pay for everyone’s meal my friends would just transfer me the money anyway! It would change the dynamic of the friendship.

@No5ChalksRoad
@IamtheDevilsAvocado
@Greensquarecold
@minvee
@RoseAlone

You seem to live in such privileged bubbles and clearly lack the emotionl intelligence to understand that:

a) it is widespread practice among the majority of people having a celebration to invite friends to join them for a meal with everyone paying for themselves

b) a meal at a restaurant is NOT a party

c) not everyone can afford to host several people for a restaurant meal

d) people less wealthy than you shouldn't have to stay at home for coffee and cake or wine and cheese and biscuits when they and their friends are happy to all go out for a meal and are more than happy to pay for themselves

It might be etiquette to you, but it is very out of date "etiquette". Many restaurants would go out of business if they relied on celebration meals that only the hosts paid for.

When I host a dinner party I pay for all the food and drinks, although our guests always bring wine as well, because I am hosting. When I invite friends out for a meal for any kind of occasion I am not hosting, I am merely asking them if they would like to join me.

What is so difficult to understand about that?

This is Mumsnet though, where it's terribly gauche to even notice that you've got a year older let alone expect anyone who loves you to celebrate with you. And if you can't afford the Ivy for 15 people you have to have Aldi snacks in a car park.

Absolutely @Besttobe8001
I don't think I have seen so many tone deaf posters on one thread before who lack the intelligence to understand that people have different levels of disposable income.

I’m not wealthy, I would just never ask people to celebrate without paying. If I plan something I save up for it (often over years). It’s just really important to me to treat people if I invite them. It’s actually a working class value I get from my parents and a matter or pride.

I am not hosting parties at fancy restaurants. More local curry house on a very special occasion.

@Greensquarecold do you not understand that it is common practice amongst my friends that no-one expects to be treated for a meal? The majority of posters also do this with their friends.

Friends have parties with buffets, but that's different because they are hosting. For a birthday meal I am not hosting, I am merely asking if they want to join me, and they know perfectly well that they would be paying for their own food - because it is normal round here.

Can you not understand that?

Yes of course I understand that. I just personally wouldn’t do it!

I think it would be quite weird, and even 'cringe', if I suddenly paid for everyone on my birthday, when that hasn't been the practice at the numerous other birthday celebrations I've attended with the same friends. It would be like I'm suddenly some big cheese flashing the cash? And be slightly awkward for all the people who didn't do the same when it was their birthday?

I have never ever been out to dinner with friends for someone’s birthday and had them pay for everyone’s meal. Literally not ever. People always pay for their own.

(For context I am in my early 40s, born and raised in SW London)

I agree. If someone did that to me I wouldn't be able to reciprocate.

Surely, you just do whatever is commn practice in your circle, then no-one is embarrassed.

For my 50th we had a handful of friends (9 of us in total) to our house, and I paid for an Indian takeaway (from a really nice local Indian restaurant). Because it was at our house I was hosting, so of course I paid.

Shame I had a cracking migraine and couldn't enjoy it.

Omg of course you pay! I wouldn’t even mention you were footing the bill, in the same way you wouldn’t ask people to bring cash for a meal at a wedding!

A meal in a restaurant isn’t the same as a wedding.
And if you read the whole thread you can see it’s not just a case of you pay… lots of people wouldn’t expect the birthday girl/boy to pay.

Not everyone can afford to foot the whole bill 🙄 a concept which is obviously lost on many people.

OMG... no because YOU pay doesn't mean everyone should do what you do.

OMG, of course it isn't a given that you pay.

Read the room.

There is a huge difference between arranging a night out with friends to celebrate your birthday, where you all get to choose the date and venue, and organising an event which you invite people to.

So, for my most recent big birthday, I invited a load of people to afternoon tea. I chose the date, the venue and good and I sent out nice, card invitations. I had decorations on the tables and an open bar. And I paid for this.

But I also got together with a group of 5 friends where we all discussed it in a WhatsApp group, chose a venue and date that suited us all, and I didn't pay for anyone but me.

Imo if you make it an invitation to your party then you pay. If you suggest a less formal get together you don't.

If you are a guest and not paying then you take a decent present. If you are paying you can be less generous with the present.

Totally depends on your circle. I have a few very comfortable friends who would pay for everyone for a big celebration, but lots of others for whom everyone would pay for themselves and not bat an eyelid. I would never accept an invite if I wasn’t prepared to pay for myself, it’s just a nice surprise on the day if the host covers it.

Is it a set menu or a la carte? I wouldn’t pay if it’s a la carte as you don’t know what the full bill will look like. I paid for a party of 11 at my sons 21st but it was a set menu and I advised people they would have for their own drinks

There is a huge difference between arranging a night out with friends to celebrate your birthday, where you all get to choose the date and venue, and organising an event which you invite people to.

And this is exactly what my frirnds and I do.

Me too

Top tip OP
If you don't plan to paying for everyone, make it clear when inviting.
If you do plan on paying for everyone, don't tell them in advance, leave them to think they might be paying. Just pay the bill when it comes so people don't take the piss.

Of course you pay. Or host at home?

Why of course? Have you not read the many posts as to why people can't or don't pay? Or why they can't host at home?

Does it not depend on what is customary among your friendship group?

Does it mean that if you don't have a lot of money you can't celebrate your birthday with like minded friends?

Yes that makes sense.

So poor people and those with small houses don’t ever celebrate their birthday??

The privileged just have no idea. Do they.