To pay or not to pay for everyone’s dinner if I invite them out for my 50th?

[tricerotopsrule]

I was thinking of inviting around 15 pals out for dinner to a nice restaurant to mark my 50th birthday. Normally for ‘normal’ birthdays for mine or others we have all paid for our own meal. But given this is a big birthday I wondered if I should pay for everyone? When I’ve been out for other big birthdays sometimes folk have paid for everyone and other times people pay for themselves.

What’s the norm?? WWYD?

Yes people do understand that not everyone can pay for dinner for 15 people. That is precisely why people opt for other types of celebration. You don't HAVE to go out for dinner. There are other options! Most people can surely grasp that.

If it's your birthday and you are inviting, you know people will bring a gift so you should at least 'put on' some form of 'event', even if it's just a drink in a bar. It's just basic manners. Or have them to your house if you can't afford dinner for everyone. Its not "dinner for 20 or nothing at all."

I wouldn't hold a party or a wedding and expect the guests to pay, but for some reason, restaurant meals with friends are different. The person who suggested the meal doesn't usually choose the restaurant without any discussion with the others (unless it's already a favourite with the group). They don't hire the whole venue or choose what food and drink is served to everyone. If one person wants a steak and two bottles of expensive wine, they can have it, as long as they don't expect someone else to pay for it.

Even when my son at uni celebrated his 21st, he found a restaurant that did a group deal - eg, so much per head for bookings of 20 or whatever, and did that. He didn't summon people, take their cards and gifts and then present them with a bill!

My DD, in a recent birthday, really wanted to go to see Evita. Of course shes not going to invite 20 friends and expect then to pay for their own tickets! So she took 1 friend because that was what she could afford, and saw the others at other times.

Are there other options though? You are obviously coming from a place of privilege and are oblivious to the fact that some people aren’t as wealthy as you.
What you are essentially saying is that only wealthy people get to celebrate their birthday with friends.

I'd think it quite old fashioned for the birthday host to pay for a restaurant meal. If I were organising a 50th, I'd probably ask that nobody brings a gift, and mention the set menu costs xyz. Alternatively, go to a bar or pub and pay for first couple rounds.

I don’t summon my friends. They are happy to spend time in my company.

As for paying for theatre tickets? What? If people want to attend a show they pay for themselves. It doesn’t matter what the occasion is.

@HighLadyofTheNightCourt - "Are there other options though?"

Of course there are other options to restaurants. 😕

If you were hosting a dinner party at home for your birthday, you might well end up spending a lot on food and drinks. Would you charge your guests for your shopping bill? Perhaps take a service charge as well?

What would you suggest the other options are in this scenario.
A good friend of mine lives payslip to payslip. He has zero savings and very little disposable income after he’s paid his bills and mortgage.
His house is tiny so can’t have a party and there’s no garden or outside space. His birthday is in November and we live in the north of England where it rains a lot and already feels like winter.

He’s suggested a meal for his birthday. There will probably be between 8-10 of us. He can’t afford to pay for us all. According to you he shouldn’t be inviting us out if he can’t pay for us all.
What should I suggest he does instead?

If you can’t see the difference between these two scenarios then this conversation is pointless

If you want people to go out and celebrate you then you should pay. Unless you have an understanding with friends and know that everyone is happy to pay for themselves. It’s a bit cringe as a grown adult to invite people out and not pay.

It's definitely not the norm to pay for everyone where I am!
And I dont see it as to with whether you can afford it or not. All in my groups can.
The last 'big number' meal i went to, host bought everyone a drink but we all paid for our own meal (very expensive place!)
Different if the party's at home.

It’s clearly not ‘cringe’ as a significant number of people on this thread would expect to pay for their own meal.
Not everyone has the disposable income to pay for a meal for 15 people.

There is nuance in there...

Yup often the 'head' or whatever antiquated term used pays (as they're hosting!)

If 15 women all go for meal? ..(let's all go out next Friday!) Each pays for themselves.... But if one woman is saying... It's my birthday I want to celebrate at x place and x time.... Thats different!

I think it’s a bit cringe to be invited out and expect to be treated.

I think it's more than a bit cringe to say "come celebrate meeeeeeee, and be sure to bring your wallet!"

In your opinion in relation to Etiquette, that seems incredibly old fashioned hence why I asked if you were rather elderly
maybe I should have said how quaint and old fashioned. Bless

Etiquette is far from "old-fashioned." You just aren't versed in it.

Notions of proper hospitality haven't changed. Offer what you can, even if it's just tea and biscuits. Don't dun people to finance a party you wish to hold.

There is no etiquette for this. It is what you and your friends/family make it.

You're not 'hosting' if you're all going to a restaurant. If you've hired a venue then yes I am expecting that you will pay. Otherwise, the rules need spelling out.

In my friendship group, if we are all going out for your birthday to a restaurant/pub, then I would pay for myself and the rest of us would split your bill to treat you. No one would expect you to pay. It's your birthday!

Etiquette changes over time and is situation-based and culturally dependent anyway.

Otherwise we’d all still be socialising as though we are from some kind of Jane Austen novel.

What part of ‘going for a meal is not the same as hosting a party’ are you finding difficult to understand.

I do have an 'understanding with friends'. My understanding is based on the numerous other birthday dinners I've attended over the years with said friends, where everyone has always paid for themselves.

I'd say that behaviour would be pretty unusual for that age group in particular.

If I was one of the friends in the Evita scenario, I'd be very happy to be invited and pay for my ticket if I wanted to see the show - obviously with no pressure to attend if someone doesn't want to or can't afford it.

What I've got from this thread is that some people are serious fun sponges.

I don't think it's cringe or grasping or attention-seeking if friends want to go out for their birthdays. I WANT to go out for their birthdays and I cherish celebrating them. These are my friends or my family. I would hate for them to think I'm there for a free meal.

I'm quite sad for some of you.

I find it a bit cringe but accept others don’t. I saved up carefully prior to my husband’s 50th so I could host a dinner for his family and friends to celebrate together. I would never dream of inviting people to something and then asking them to pay for the pleasure.