To pay or not to pay for everyone’s dinner if I invite them out for my 50th?

[tricerotopsrule]

I was thinking of inviting around 15 pals out for dinner to a nice restaurant to mark my 50th birthday. Normally for ‘normal’ birthdays for mine or others we have all paid for our own meal. But given this is a big birthday I wondered if I should pay for everyone? When I’ve been out for other big birthdays sometimes folk have paid for everyone and other times people pay for themselves.

What’s the norm?? WWYD?

Why is that so strange?
I’ve had people pay for my meal or order special drinks but I’ve never attended a birthday meal where the birthday girl/boy has paid. People might have a party but even then the food would be relatively basic and everyone pays for their own drinks.

Very few (if any) of my friends have that sort of disposable income. They couldn’t afford to spend hundreds of pounds on a meal and none of our friends would let them.

See I find that odd. I would always think that the person surely has far better ways to spend their money so I should do a good job at providing food. Maybe it’s a cultural thing. Host pays, it’s cheap to invite people and expect them to pay for your celebration.
why is it ok to do this for a birthday and not a wedding?

An invitation isn’t a summons. If you don’t want to spend your money celebrating your friend’s birthday then don’t.

I enjoy spending time with my friends and I don’t need them to pay me to spend time with them.

And paying for your own meal is not paying for someone’s celebration.

It might be cultural, regional or generational, but I don't class eating out with friends for their birthday as paying to attend. I class it as eating out with a friend who also happens to have a birthday.

It's the same as going for a social meal with my book group friends or any other social group I belong to. A party is different. A meal out is not a party.

I find this thread incredibly weird. How can you expect the host to fork out so much money on their birthday! I never heard of this imagine it being your special day and you having to spend hundreds! A meal out is NOT the same as having a party. I would be really embarrassed if host wanted to pay for everyone and I would on purpose order the cheapest dish but that’s just me I suppose MN is a whole world apart

Genuinely never happened to me with a restaurant meal, except for my dad paying at family dinners. I've been to birthday parties where the host has paid for some pizzas or finger food for everyone (e.g. when hosted in a room in a pub), but that's a different scenario. In fact with restaurant meals I've sometimes seen the opposite - the guests trying to pay collectively for the birthday person's share.

This.

But I agree with others,
there's no hard and fast rules, but you MUST be clear on the invitaiton about who is paying for what.

It would be a very big expense to pay for 15 people wouldn't it? Maybe you could pay for the food (if there's a set menu, say) and let people buy their own drinks. Or pay for (say 5?) bottles of wine and some water for the table and let people pay for their own food.

I find it incredibly odd that you feel only your experience is really valid and no one’s else’s could really be true

Lots of people spend "hundreds" to host parties, especially for milestones like weddings, anniversaries, birthdays, etc. It's hardly unheard of.

The thing is to host what you can afford, and if that is pigs in blankets and crisps at home, then that is what it is.

Absolutely no way could I afford to pay for a meal put for friends. Who has that sort of money these days!
Thankfully it seems normal that you pay for your own meal when ive been put for friends birthdays. I wouldn't expect them to pay for me.

I would always assume I was paying for myself if I was invited out for someone’s birthday.

Is this an age thing ? Are you quite elderly ?

How odd

If you plan and organise a big birthday party you are unlikely to be paying hundreds of pounds at once. And party is different to a meal. Not sure why that’s so difficult to understand.

And what the tone deaf people of MN keep ignoring is that not everyone has a house big enough or suitable for a party.

What an offensive question.

No, decent manners are not “an age thing.”

Etiquette has always required that hosts refrain from asking guests to share the expense.

Sharing a meal in a restaurant doesn’t mean you are the host and your friends are your guests.
Why is that so difficult to comprehend?

Of course s birthday is different to an everyday get together in a restaurant. People are just being disingenuous in trying to pretend otherwise. If it's a friend's 50th, you feel obliged to go and also take a gift. It's not the same as, "What are you doing Saturday night, fancy going out for a catch up, maybe that Thai restaurant in Notting Hill? Oh no, I can't on Saturday, but maybe the following week.... etc etc." For a birthday, people make more effort to be there at your choice of venue and time.

If OP is “inviting” people to celebrate her, at a specific place, time and price point of her choosing, she is creating a self-focused event that is quite different from a group-organized mutual meetup.

Civilized people understand this.

You can say no if the date, time and restaurant doesn’t suit you.

We’re going out for my son’s birthday tonight. We’ve chosen the date, time and restaurant but there is no chance that I’m paying for all 15 meals and drinks. And nobody will expect us to - it doesn’t even need to be mentioned. Those who can make it are coming. Those that didn’t fancy it or couldn’t make the date said no. It’s not a big deal.

It's different, but not by a huge degree in my view. I wouldn't see people as obliged to attend, or feel obliged from the other side. I'm vegetarian and I wouldn't attend if I didn't think I'd eat well at the place they'd chosen. There are always some people who say they can't make it - maybe in some cases they actually don't fancy the place or don't want to spend the money, which is absolutely fine if so.

This! I’ve been to lots of birthday dinners in my life and never has the birthday-haver paid. I’ve never encountered this “rule” except on mumsnet. If I did a straw poll of everyone I know I’m certain they’d all say they expect to pay for their own food.

I don't like the way "are you elderly" seems to be positioned here as an unusual characteristic. Older people are entitled to join in the conversation too.

My dad paid for everyone for his 90th but equally my husband paid for a meal in a restaurant for friends for his 40rh

Your invite, your bill.

Etiquette schmetiquette. You talk as if you are from a different echelon of society to most people.

Are you being deliberatley obtuse?

Do you really not understand that most people can't afford to pay for a meal for 10 or 15 people? And it is very common practice (as in usual, not common as muck) to invite people along to a meal for any kind of celebration and not have to pay for other people.

We aren't all as wealthy as you, so does that mean we can't ever go out with our friends for any kind of occasion? And does it mean that you would refuse to attend a celebratory meal if you thought you had to pay for your own?

Your invite, your bill.

Another tone deaf comment.