To pay or not to pay for everyone’s dinner if I invite them out for my 50th?

[tricerotopsrule]

I was thinking of inviting around 15 pals out for dinner to a nice restaurant to mark my 50th birthday. Normally for ‘normal’ birthdays for mine or others we have all paid for our own meal. But given this is a big birthday I wondered if I should pay for everyone? When I’ve been out for other big birthdays sometimes folk have paid for everyone and other times people pay for themselves.

What’s the norm?? WWYD?

Come on. You don’t understand that hosts foot the tab?

I think it takes a lot of gall to ask people to spend their discretionary funds to “celebrate” oneself. Anyone who wants a party in their own honour needs to pay the bill or do without.

I agree with this. Just make it clear either way.

Personally I’d pay because in my social circle the last few milestone birthday events I’ve been to, the host has paid for all the guests. But it more depends on what the norm is in your circle and how you feel and if you can afford it basically.

I can’t imagine ever being able to celebrate my birthday with friends if this was the case.

Also if you’re going to a restaurant you’re not ‘the host’. You are a customer along with everyone else.

Nah!

Sorry this is bad form...

If you want everyone to go to restaurant the default is you host/pay.. (unless you explicitly say... Can we all pay for ourselves...but some people may not come as can't afford it...

If you can't afford, do something at home...

Not classy... I'd be unimpressed...

He should host at home if can't afford to host

It is expensive... Usually in my experience... People either pay the total bill or pay the first 30£/whatever... Then if folk want expensive cocktails they can cough up.

Or you do something at home..

They sound clueless!

It kind of makes it worse... A glass of warm white wine, doesn't it!

You would have to include the menu and prices if you expect them to pay. You could pay for the meal, but drinks to be bought after the first 'welcome' drink, which could be a choice of juice / white wine. I think a small party in a hall with a buffet would be a cheaper idea if money is an issue. Or how about a 'Bring a bottle party' at your house. That was how we celebrated everything back in the 60's/ 70's Just provided the buffet food.

I don’t think there’s a rule really but do make it clear as different people may have different expectations.

Eg “I’d love it if we could all go out for dinner for my birthday, I’ll pay for a few bottles of wine/£x towards the bill etc etc”

I would either pick up the food bill or pick up the drinks bill . Have fun !!

What’s really clear from this discussion and the many other threads like this is, it’s absolutely not the default.

It might be in your social circle but it really isn’t in others.

Exactly! And people are choosing their own food and drinks. If I knew someone else was paying I’d feel like I should be mindful of that. Whereas when I’m paying for my own meal I choose exactly what I want with my own budget in mind.

Hard disagree. So You are saying that people can't celebrate their birthdays with a meal out with friends unless they are wealthy. How mean spirited

You obviously aren't reading the many, many, many posts where the person inviting friends out for a celebratory meal does not see this as "etiquette" (an out of date and archaic "rule" IMO), nor do they see themselves as "hosting". They are merely inviting friends to join them.

Why should the birthday person stay at home and not celebrate their birthday with a meal because they can't afford to treat 10 or 15 people to a slap up meal with drinks?

You are so out of touch.

In my 40+ years of eating out in restaurants with friends for various celebrations - birthdays, anniversaries, hen dos etc never has the person celebrating paid for everyone else. We have always paid for ourselves, and in some cases paid for the birthday person.

A house party is different. The host provides all the food and some drinks, and guests always bring bottles of wine and beer as well. The same goes for a function in a function room with a buffet.

Would you decline an invitation to a birthday meal if they weren't paying for you?

Friend picked up bill for her partners 50th, nice restaurant, but only 6 of us. I transferred her the money for ours as I think she hadn’t really thought it through! She seemed grateful….

100% this.
The idea that you can only invite friends to celebrate your birthday in a restaurant if you can afford to pay for them all is such an alien concept to me.
There aren’t many people I know who could afford to do this. And none of us would want them to anyway.

Why would you assume that everyone behaves like you ? How odd

It’s rude and crass to hold a party for oneself at one’s guests’ expense.

There’s a difference between a meal out with friends and a party. Something which is clearly lost on some people!

It's not rude and crass to go for a meal with mates and expect everyone to pay for their own choices. This meal just happens to be on the occasion of your birthday and they are celebrating with you.

Nope. In practice, if it's a family group, the head of the family might pay, or I might pay because normally my parents do and I want to treat them and the other relatives (siblings, kids). But 15 women going for a celebratory meal? You think it's normal for one from the group to pick up the tab for 15 plus themselves? In my local restaurant that would be £800 or more. Pub might be cheaper. But seriously? No. That's not normal - everyone pays for themselves, and then it doesn't matter if Brenda's had a starter AND a pudding AND two £12 cocktails, and the birthday girl doesn't have to sweat about the bill.

I know for a fact that even if I did try to pay for the full meal my friends would just transfer me the money anyway. And vice versa.

For my 50th, I invited anyone who wanted to celebrate to a meal on the day of my birthday. It never crossed my mind that they would expect me to pay for them, and luckily, it never crossed their minds either!

But don't feel too sorry for these poor people that I ripped off, as I threw a huge party in summer which I paid for.

Sometimes MN is a different planet.

But the OP isn't talking about hosting a party. She is talking about inviting some friends to enjoy a meal in a restaurant with her to celebrate her birthday.

Some mumsnetters can afford to pay for everyone's meals, but the vast majority of people can't.

Those of you with archaic views on this seem to think that you can never go out and enjoy the company of friends if you can't pay for them. What a miserable way to live.

A mutually agreed upon meetup where everyone gets a say in the timing, choice of restaurant, etc, is quite different to one person unilaterally specifying a time and place “to mark my 50th birthday.”