To pay or not to pay for everyone’s dinner if I invite them out for my 50th?

[tricerotopsrule]

I was thinking of inviting around 15 pals out for dinner to a nice restaurant to mark my 50th birthday. Normally for ‘normal’ birthdays for mine or others we have all paid for our own meal. But given this is a big birthday I wondered if I should pay for everyone? When I’ve been out for other big birthdays sometimes folk have paid for everyone and other times people pay for themselves.

What’s the norm?? WWYD?

It's cheaper for me to pay €50 per head for 10 people once a year than €80-€100 10 times throughout the year to go to fancy restaurants they choose. That's what it means to organise and pay for an event you can afford.

I agree. When it’s a casual group dinner I wouldn’t just say ‘ I have booked x on this date’ there’d be an element of consensus. But for a significant birthday people make an effort to attend or feel obligated.

That only works if everyone reciprocates though.

I think 'ghastly' is my new favourite word :)

Fine to pay, fine to not pay. Long as people know up front if they are expected to pay. Or you could pay for some wine which, depending on the people, may make bill splitting easier.

Wouldn't work in my friendships as lots of people don't go in for birthday meals and we are not a fixed friendship group. I have people from various areas of my life who don't all know each other equally.

If they are paying for fancy restaurants for you, do you feel any pressure or need to spend more on yours?

It doesn't have to be that way, though. Speak up and stand your ground! I too am veggie and rarely drink. In my friendship group there is one person who takes the mick with ordering so I refuse to split the bill anymore and just pay for myself. She didn't like it at first, but tough! And we're still friends. My other group is a book group. They are all retired and wealthy, which I'm not. So when we went to a restaurant I was fully expecting to split the bill but no, they all paid separately. So they're wealthy but they're still careful with their money, whereas the ones who haven't got much tend to splash it about when they do go out. I think maybe the wealthy ones eat out all the time so it's normal for them to pay for themselves.

@yorktown this isn't one fixed group either, but everyone I know, even from separate groups, does it this way.

No I don't feel any pressure, they have control of what they choose to book and spend.

My point is more that the etiquette of paying for your own party/dinner is more beneficial to those on a budget than rich people as it's being made out to be across this thread.

True but I am making the point that people i know organise and fund the big birthday celebration. Sometimes that involves a sit down meal in a restaurant. Sometimes a party at home, or a do in a venue. But it's the principle. I guess you would be more affluent to fund a sit down meal - my dad wasn't that rich but he was 90 and had nothing much else to spend his money on.

You would also go out with a group of eg work colleagues, book club friends, gym buddies not invited to the do, and everyone would pay their own.

Yeah but that requires you to have access to £500. Most people I know live payslip to payslip so can’t afford a one off big payment.

That's the amount I can afford, the point is it works for any budget. I've hosted parties that are just bowls of Tesco crisps when that's what I could afford.

OP I’ve just spoken to to my sisters and friends about this (as I also have a big b’day in 4 months!) they were shocked when I told them about this thread that people saying the host pays for everything. This is what my sister said which I agree with: you only pay for everything if you are hiring a venue then of course food would be paid but people buy own drinks, if you going to a restaurant then it’s common sense in real world everyone splits the bill and sometimes you would cover the birthday person, one of my friends said she would never have a birthday dinner if she had to honour everyone’s drinks plus food there’s just no way anyone would do this.

For a friend's birthday meal out it's always been a case of we pay for ourselves, with family mostly paid for by the parents bt not always.

No one would expect you to pay for it all IME. If you feel awkward about it just say you will be providing some bottles of wine for the table or pay for their first drink. This denotes pay for selves but kind gesture of free drinks? Xx

I completely agree with this. I'm surprised at how many people think you should pay for everyone's meal and would also be more inclined to expect them to pay for your meal if anyone's doing any paying.

The most stingy couple I ever met - the people who never buy a round of drinks or coffees, ever - tried to have a 40th party once. In Reading of all places, even though everyone lived in London. Why? Because the DH happened to work in Reading 😐 So they asked people to go to a bar in Reading on a Friday night. The invite stated - "Please arrive for 7.30 for .... wait for it .... A FREE GLASS OF WHITE WINE." Woohoo!!!

They actually expected people to finish work (mostly in London) on a Friday evening, then get to Reading for 7.30 by train or car. Those who have kids would need babysitters and then obviously people would have to get home again.

So, costs for guests - travel, babysitting, gift, drinks after THE FREE GLASS OF WHITE WINE, food (if indeed there was any available at this bar) and possibly a hotel if they didn't want to drive home.

This couple were genuinely baffled as to why nobody wanted to go.

I paid for everyone's meal and drinks for my 50th. They were unaware as we announced it at the end. Everyone bought their own drinks from the bar but drinks bought with the meal we paid. It was lovely and everyone was really grateful. There were about 15 of us. I had it in a Spanish tapas and we had a private room. If you can afford it do it. Makes the evening all the better

Depends on your social circle. There is no way I’d be able to afford everyone in a restaurant. I can only just afford myself! But my friends and family are all in the same boat so we’d all expect to pay for ourselves.

This is an unusual custom in uk I've only had it a couple of times the organiser paid. I think it's a bit more of a thing in some European countries in terms of inviting and paying for everyone but I also find the cost equivalent about half price at the places we eat - nice restaurants but not in posh or touristy towns

You pay if I was invited to a 50th birthday party I would expect the host to pay.
My Brother in law organised a meal out for Sister in laws 40th and made a big announcement when we all got there that we paid for our own food and drinks. Even telling the bar staff and waiters. Tight fisted sod.

Just had similar...we all paid for the food we eat. No issue as it was expected

When we invited 10 other couples to a very nice restaurant to celebrate my husband‘s big birthday we said to everybody could we split the food bill equally and then we would pay for all the drinks? Everyone was very happy with that. I must point out that when we all normally go out for special occasions, we do just split the entire bill equally, but as this was a big birthday we wanted to push the boat out a bit. It basically meant that we paid for half of the evening and the other couples paid for the other half between them. Maybe you could consider something along those lines?

I had my family out for a curry, can’t quite remember how many people - but I paid for it, beats having a relative start arguing over only having 1 drink and no starter…

Pay for some bottles to wine to last the evening for you and your guests. Including a bottle of cheap champers or similar to toast your birthday.

But let them pay for their meal

If they bring you a present, that will be a bonus

Have a Great Birthday

Best Wishes
🍾🍴🎉🎈
X

I’m 56 and have I’ve never heard of the “you invite, you pay” rule, but maybe I’m just not posh enough to know anyone who could afford to pay for 15 people at a fancy restaurant!

I do think family is different for some reason.

So we invited 10 family members out for DS birthday and we paid.

But for our own birthdays with our friends everyone pays for themselves.

For DH 50th we had a party at home and obviously we paid for all food and drink, although people did also bring things to contribute