To pay or not to pay for everyone’s dinner if I invite them out for my 50th?

[tricerotopsrule]

I was thinking of inviting around 15 pals out for dinner to a nice restaurant to mark my 50th birthday. Normally for ‘normal’ birthdays for mine or others we have all paid for our own meal. But given this is a big birthday I wondered if I should pay for everyone? When I’ve been out for other big birthdays sometimes folk have paid for everyone and other times people pay for themselves.

What’s the norm?? WWYD?

If i was invited to a birthday meal in a restaurant, I would expect to pay for my own meal.

If you invite, you pay - it's not the same as everyone deciding where to go. You choose the venue and ask people to come.

For my 50th I hired caterers, which worked out about £40 per head, and I didnt charge anyone for that. For my 60th I invited people to afternoon tea in a hotel, and again I paid for that.

For my husband's 60th he hired a room in a pub and paid for all the food and we had free prosecco and otherwise people bought their own drinks.

For my dad's 90th he took everyone out for a meal and paid for everything.

I think that's how it's done if you are organising.

That’s how you do it.
Obviously other people do it differently. This thread is evidence of that.

You keep mentioning not having much money then saying the birthday person should pay for all guests. I'm fairly well off and don't know many people that can pay for meals out for 15 people, even in a cheap restaurant or a pub. Do you?

Like I said, in a close group of friends who want to celebrate each others birthdays they would gladly pay for their own meal to celebrate together.

If that friendship group has people who can't afford that they should make more effort to do something low key or host at someone's house if they are considerate people.

I thought we were discussing etiquette- imo if you invite people, you choose the venue, the food, the date, and you pay.

If you say to a bunch of friends "fancy coming out to help me celebrate my birthday?" and you all choose a venue, date and food between you, then that's different, you all pay.

You keep mentioning not having much money then saying the birthday person should pay for all guests. I'm fairly well off and don't know many people that can pay for meals out for 15 people, even in a cheap restaurant or a pub. Do you?

Exactly, this is the bit that doesn’t make sense. The concept of ‘having the party you can afford’ yet expecting one person to cover the cost of everyone’s meal.

I can afford to pay for my own meal but I can’t afford to pay for all of the food and drinks consumed by my friends and family. The same goes for all of my friends.

We are having the party we can afford by paying our own bills.

But there clearly isn’t a consensus on the appropriate etiquette.
I don’t think choosing the restaurant automatically means you pay. It’s not how we do it in my social circle.

My friend had a chose to do a bottomless brunch for her 40th recently. She chose the restaurant, the date and time. If we wanted to attend we had to let her know and choose and pay for our food and drinks in advance. At no point did anyone think she should pay for us all!

There are clearly different dynamics in different groups of people. But, in general, where there is doubt about what to do (as there is for the OP), I'd say it's far better to do something you can afford and not effectively 'charge' people to attend, as opposed to having fixed ideas about going to a restaurant where you can't afford to pay for everyone.

This is especially true where you're inviting people who are friends from different areas of your life who probably won't know each other. It's easier to let people mingle over drinks and canapés at your house or at a bar, than sitting randoms next to each other in a restaurant of your choosing and expecting them to pay for the 'privilege.'

If you’d rather not or can’t afford it I’d buy some bottles of wine / prosecco for the table

You make attending a friends birthday sound like a works conference your attending reluctantly 😂

Like I said, I think your events are far more formal than mine.
My house parties have never included canapés and everyone brings a bottle ( or three 😂)

That sounds great. I live in a commuter town in the SE and I don’t think we go to posh places (chains like Zaza and local independents) but I’ve never got out for less than £40. It’s very largely the splitting of the bill and the fact that I’m not your typical restaurant-goer, in that I don’t eat meat and rarely drink. I’ve dodged a few of these occasions recently for financial reasons but one is looming and I’m trying to think of ways to just pay for my modest meal without causing ructions…🫩

I wonder if the people saying 'you invite you pay' are from rich circles. There is absolutely no way any of my friends could afford to cover 15 meals at a nice restaurant and neither would we expect them to. For my 40th I invited 12 friends assuming everyone would cover their own but they covered mine and wouldn't take no for an answer. What kind of birthday is it if you have fork out like 600quid for one meal.

You clearly have no idea that many people simply can't afford to do what you do. Have you?

Have you read the many, many posts from people who don't do this because they can't afford to?

As an aside, If you were invited to join friends in a restaurant for a celebration, would you refuse to go if they weren't going to pay for you?

Also if a friend of mine couldn't afford to come, no problem! Id just do something separately with them instead. I would never expect the person inviting me to cover my meal, unless they were cooking at their house, but even then I would contribute with wine or a dessert or something.

No - I’m not saying that at all - and in fact, I’d be mortified if someone did pay for my meal! It’s never happened to me and I’d be embarrassed.

I just read so much on MN about cheeky people organising Insta-worthy weddings, baby showers and even birthdays and asking invitees to pay to attend. I think the general principle should be: if you’re the host, have the party/wedding you can afford - it’s a host’s role to treat their guests. But I concede that there are grey areas and if everyone is cool with paying for themselves at someone’s celebration, that’s fine too.

It’s a shame your friends aren’t mindful of your situation. I have a particular eating disorder which means there are some restaurants where I can’t eat very much and my friends would never suggest splitting the bill on those occasions.

We’re lucky that in our northern village there are lots of local places that are good value and we try to support local businesses where possible.

In my friends circle we would pay for your meal and each pay for our own.

I think there’s a difference between paying for your own meal in a restaurant and being charged to attend a wedding!

I wonder if the people saying 'you invite you pay' are from rich circles.

Yes. Tone deaf rich circles.

I wouldn't expect to pay at a restaurant, who Can afford that? I have never gone to a restaurant for a birthday and not paid for myself or expected to be paid for. It's fine - if we are friends I want to see you and celebrate with you, plus you have gave an organised a social event so all good.

No, we aren't rich. Older. It's what everyone i know does for a big birthday - put on an event like a party and provide the food and drink. It wouldn't always mean paying for other people's meals, but say offering a buffet style of three or four options in a room above a pub, or doing the food yourself or having caterers in at home. Only for the big birthdays.

But that's very different, thats hiring a venue or an area in a venue and putting on a party. Some of my friends choose to do the same. That's totally different to inviting friends out for a meal at a restaurant to celebrate your birthday

This post highlights the wide demographics of people on Mumsnet and how those who are very well off don't seem able to grasp that others have to take costs into account.

I don't know anyone who could afford to put £500 towards a restaurant bill (And have never been for a meal where £500 would be a contribution to an even bigger total).

When I go out for a meal with friends, it's usually something like an Indian or Thai restaurant so the total bill is much less than £500 but we still all pay for ourselves, including when it's somebody's birthday.

Paying for your own meal in a restaurant for a birthday is entirely different to paying to attend someone's wedding, which I wouldn't do in a million years.

I’m also veggie and barely drink, usually driving, and I agree with you!!