Am I a dickhead, friend and her child.

[amiadickhead]

I have a group of friends, all women in their late 20s/early 30s. We maybe meet up about 4 times a year. Sometimes husbands and partners will join if they're around and sometimes not. It is usually around 6 -8 people can make each one, someone throws out a date if you can make it fab if not then you catch the next one, there's usually very little drama, until Lucy.

Two of the couples have one child each, Martin and Angela have a DD we'll call Lucy and John and Linda have a DD we'll call Kate. No one else has children.

For our most recent meets, Martin and Angela have insisted on bringing Lucy, while John will either stay home with Kate or they'll get a babysitter. It's reached a stage where if someone suggests a dinner, Angela will say no it has to be lunch for Lucy and Martin to join. If someone suggests going for a drink on only a days notice, we're told oh that's not child friendly.

Lucy is two, and while her dad / Angela's partner is a nice man he's only in the friend group because he's with Angela, no one has a relationship with him outside of this, some feel he should stay home if they can't get a sitter. Anyway, people are getting annoyed that they are forcing their way all the time and it means plans don't get followed up on because we don't want to hang out with a 2 year old we want grown up time.

They won't take any hints and seem to think the world revolves around their little girl. Is there a way to phrase sorry this occassion is for adults only without being rude?

Am I/the rest of the group unreasonable to not want to spend our limited time together and adult catch ups with Lucy?

I think Kate's parents are most annoyed as they arrange care because because they want an adult night out with mostly child free friends,c if they cant Kate's dad stays home and they feel Lucy's parents should do the same.

AIBU?

I think people just need to start saying, "Sorry that doesn't work for you guys, but we aren't available to meet for lunch this time. Anyone who is free for dinner, let's meet at xyz" and have some dinners as well as lunches.

Bit surely you go for a drink or dinner anyway? Why are you letting Angela stop you? Just say ‘oh sorry, maybe next time’. Stop letting Angela dictate it.

When they say it needs to be lunch because of Lucy, tell them you’ll see them next time and forge ahead with the evening plans. Don’t let them stop you doing the adult event, they don’t have to come. You say if cant make it, it’s no big deal, so a bright and breezy message eg ‘Oh don’t worry if you can’t get a babysitter, see you next time’. They’ll soon realise!

I would probably give one more chance and post "adult only dinner at x venue on y day" if they complain, I would probably make a separate group chat and don't add them to it tbh. I can't be arsed with people like that though.

I think the first time this happened we were a bit blindsided and kind of felt guilty because Lucy was younger, about 10 months I think. It's been hard to row back from.

Make the venue/type of event the prominent thing..

'We're all going out for dinner to xyz, these are the available dates...'

So if you get a 'oh lets do lunch' you say 'maybe we'll do a lunch next time but this time, we all want to go to dinner at xxx, sorry if you can't make it'.

The event is happening, at the time and the venue its happening at - if thats not child friendly, tough tittie they can find a sitter or one stays at home or not come, so they DO have options.

Might need to be one person organising it so if they say 'oh but can't we do lunch instead' you can say 'I am organising a child free evening meal, if you'd like to organise a daytime kid friendly meet up, feel free...' .

"We were thinking we would have an adults only meet up this time - so that's why we've opted for dinner. Let us know if you can make it!"

I'd start specifically framing each invite as either families welcome or adults only (most adults would take the hint that dinner at 8 is the latter).

An adult meet up isn’t all about Lucy. If Angela never wants to leave the house again without her pfb then she doesn’t need to come. Just make it explicit; say you are free for an adult only catch up on the evening occasions, and let Angela set up lunches if she wants.

Go ahead with your plans, they’ll get the idea soon.

“We want an adult-only gathering on Friday, sorry.”

“X and I (another group member) are going to Y restaurant for dinner. Anyone want to join us?”

This way you are not asking for input into the plans, you are asking whether they want to join you. My friend does this all the time.

Your friend group is like a wet lettuce convention, OP.

I will never understand why so many Mners come on here to complain about other people’s behaviour when they refuse to do anything about it

Yeah you need to plan things that are totally not child friendly and stick to it.

Time to stop these entitled parents to decide over your outings. When mine were younger I let my husband go by himself to see friends in the evening if we couldn't get a sitter. No way I would have tried to change plans in order to include my children. How selfish and selfabsorbed.. and you are all being unreasonable changing your plans.

I think whether you are in the right or wrong is whether you want all meet-ups to be without kids - or just occasional ones. It’s not unreasonable for them to ask friends to adjust to a kid friendly set up now they have children as they obviously still want to see their friends. For example, before I had kids I regularly did things with my friends and their kids that was very kid focused as I wanted to spend time with them and be considerate of how hard it is to maintain friendships whilst you have young children. Now I have kids my I sometimes meet my friends with my kids and sometimes organise without them. If you just want a mix of some more adult focused time and some kid friendly time - maybe make 50 percent of the meet ups more explicitly easy for the kids (pub with a playground etc) and 50 percent more adult.

I appreciate all the feedback. I think for the next one I'm just going to have to say 'dinner at x on y date who is available?' and this sounds awful, but maybe prewarn the others so we can be united.

There were a couple of occassions where no one wanted to be the baddie but the rest of us are united now. What I don't understand is Angela has been on two hen parties for a night each since Lucy was born so clearly Martin is competent enough to look after his own child for a few hours.

I would love if the 3 percent who voted AIBU could explain their perspectives?

just say - oh we will do something child suitable another time

Harsh but true 😂 I thought I was the only one with an issue for ages so was afraid to go against what I thought was the majority. I hope we can become less wet lettucey in the future.

Just state adult only dinner. That’s what our friends do. We’ve all got kids and known each other years. It’s either kids can come along or no kids. It’s really not difficult.

Just say ‘Anyone for dinner at x pub at 7:30pm?’. That places it strictly in adult territory. If they protest, be nice but firm ‘no worries guys, you will be missed, we’ll catch you for a kids & adults Sunday lunch soon’.

Honest to God, this is mad! I would be doing as others suggested, oh sorry it doesnt suit, see you next time. Having a toddler at an event changes the whole dynamic completely. Everything in parents lives revolve around kids. You want to have that adult time. Not places that have high chairs and chicken nuggets! Fuck that!!!

I would even go ahead and just arrange an evening do with the others and say to them, we want to have a few cocktails. End of. What a pair of knobs 😂

50 percent?? Childfree people are supposed to spend 50 percent of their time together accommodating children?

I’d say once a year, maybe.

I'm sorry, I think my finger slipped when I voted. YANBU at all but I think I voted YABU!

This is perfect. Inclusive but also not open for debate on changing day/time/venue

This! Who cares what they say, carry on with dinner/drinks plans say sorry you can’t make it this time