Am I a dickhead, friend and her child.

[amiadickhead]

I have a group of friends, all women in their late 20s/early 30s. We maybe meet up about 4 times a year. Sometimes husbands and partners will join if they're around and sometimes not. It is usually around 6 -8 people can make each one, someone throws out a date if you can make it fab if not then you catch the next one, there's usually very little drama, until Lucy.

Two of the couples have one child each, Martin and Angela have a DD we'll call Lucy and John and Linda have a DD we'll call Kate. No one else has children.

For our most recent meets, Martin and Angela have insisted on bringing Lucy, while John will either stay home with Kate or they'll get a babysitter. It's reached a stage where if someone suggests a dinner, Angela will say no it has to be lunch for Lucy and Martin to join. If someone suggests going for a drink on only a days notice, we're told oh that's not child friendly.

Lucy is two, and while her dad / Angela's partner is a nice man he's only in the friend group because he's with Angela, no one has a relationship with him outside of this, some feel he should stay home if they can't get a sitter. Anyway, people are getting annoyed that they are forcing their way all the time and it means plans don't get followed up on because we don't want to hang out with a 2 year old we want grown up time.

They won't take any hints and seem to think the world revolves around their little girl. Is there a way to phrase sorry this occassion is for adults only without being rude?

Am I/the rest of the group unreasonable to not want to spend our limited time together and adult catch ups with Lucy?

I think Kate's parents are most annoyed as they arrange care because because they want an adult night out with mostly child free friends,c if they cant Kate's dad stays home and they feel Lucy's parents should do the same.

AIBU?

when you want to make plans you just say you’re looking to organise a child free girls day/evening.

If you don't say anything and continue to pander to Angela and Martin, they will never ever get the message. Some of our group of friends have kids and some don't, we do kid friendly things from time to time, like a beer garden with playground or a Christmas market with meal afterwards, but mostly it's adults only. Everyone's fine with that, that's what life as a parent is like. I imagine your situation is incredibly annoying for John and Linda, but prepare for Angela to flounce.

Arrange a bottomless brunch.

There is nothing worse than someone who thinks every other person’s life revives around their child and you need to call her out on it. Don’t tippy toe around her, the next time she’s suggests a child friendly outing, you all need to reply and just say no!! And I have 3 children.

Seems like you know you're NBU and know what to do about it.

Just arrange an evening out and when asked to swap to lunch just say 'Sorry, that doesn't work for the rest of us'.

Every single time.

The whole group dynamic shouldn't have to change for one couple and their child.

That’s fair, it really was utterly bonkers!

Just all make it clear it's for adults only, date and time, non negotiable. Oh these couples who can't do anything independently and without their child are so ridiculous! Do they really not realise it's for the friends to have fun together and kids change the dynamic. My DH looks after our dc when I see mine and vice versa and sometimes we will get a sitter to go together. Xx

Just organise an 8pm meet at a bar that doesn’t allow kids and when they try and hijack it say no sorry we are going here as we really want an adult evening, catch you next time? I’m not sure why people are so tone deaf. I love my dog more than most things but I didn’t expect to bring him everywhere……even though he’s the best boy and everyone loves him 🤣 they will
never get the ‘hint’ so stop hinting and star being as rude as the clearly are.

That.

So far if someone couldn’t make it, they’d catch the next one. Why has this changed?

Nope.I’m sure Lucy is as cute as a button, but dad needs to take her to the park so her mother can see her friends.

Hey everyone, fancy meeting Friday 14th at the white horse?
’oh we can’t get sitter that night/that’s not child friendly/can we do a different day blah blah blah….
”ok, sorry you can’t make that date work, hope you can make the next one!’ Or

Hey everyone, is anyone free on X day to meet @ x place… this one is an adults only one please……

That’s a great idea.

I mean, I totally get it when they're tiny, 2 of my friends would always have brought their little ones along on nights out when they were breastfeeding and so did I because our babies all refused bottles so couldn't be left. The friendship mattered enough for it not to be an issue thankfully.

However, at 2 I think they are taking the piss and I agree if there's two parents there is really no reason why one can't manage solo parenting for one night to let the other have the night off. Could whoever is closest to Angela talk to her directly about this? I know I found it extremely uncomfortable leaving ds for the first while because I had awful PPA - I still did it because you have to, but it was horrible for me, so something like that may be going on behind the scenes. I'd also wonder if her husband is a twat who can't be trusted to parent alone and therefore can't be left. I think if you're good enough friends then it's worth exploring to try and understand it before calling her out directly and explain that people want her to be there but they want to be able to enjoy adult nights out as well with angela there. They may genuinely not have clicked that this is frustrating people.

"Why, is Martin incapable of looking after his own child?" These people who do this as an utter pain. Also this is how we end up with kids who think they are little adults and monopolise adult get togethers.

"Haha, you do know you're allowed out on your own sometimes Angela?"

Ugh. Nothing more tiresome than someone who thinks their child is the centre of everyone's universe, not just their own.

Is this some kind of hidden one-upmanship battle with her dp's ex? Presumably the mother has time with the child? Two is quite young for a separation.

I've been to plenty of nights out on my own without DH or DC in tow. My DH is a reasonably competent parent 😂.

Wtf

Exactly,

"Martin can look after Lucy, or if he wants to come you guys can get a sitter"

Honestly there was a time in my life (when I only had 1 and he was young) where it was more effort mentally and emotionally than it was worth going out without my child. I took a little while to get out of that all encompassing mum phase. It seems Angela is taking a little longer than usual which is fine, she’s just maybe a bit blind to the social etiquette of it.

I feel for her that she’s clearly trying to sustain her pre-baby friendships with people who don’t think it’s worth seeing this phase through. Was it really all that funny that she child to plan a family friendly day and all her “friends” declined? Maybe she got in a huff because she thought you all actually liked her

I don't know where you're getting a backstory about an ex and a separation from?

I don’t think her friends are failing to ‘see this through’ at all. This couple sound like they are constantly trying to change plans to be child-friendly whilst forgetting that not everyone is in their phase of life. It has to be a compromise and they don’t sound like they are facilitating this. OP is very clear that she’s finding it stressful to navigate and does care about their feelings.

I agree with the others that there is something more going on here.

The red flag is Angela being okay going to hen-nights, so female only events.
I would bet that Martin won't 'let' Angela go out by herself if other men in the friendship group might be there.

Someone should meet Angela alone to have an honest discussion about her situation. At the very least persuade her to prioritise paying for a babysitter now and then if she won't go out without Martin.
But even better would be for her to stand up to him and insist on going out alone to join a mixed sex group.

I think you need to forge ahead with child free plans and just keep saying you hope she can make the next one if she says she needs to bring her child. How about picking a date quite a while in the future and a nice restaurant and explicitly say that you’re giving plenty of notice to allow those with kids to arrange childcare. Doing the odd one to fit in with the kids can be kind if people don’t mind, but this is an adult group of friends, most of whom don’t have children. Your friend is very selfish.