Am I a dickhead, friend and her child.

[amiadickhead]

I have a group of friends, all women in their late 20s/early 30s. We maybe meet up about 4 times a year. Sometimes husbands and partners will join if they're around and sometimes not. It is usually around 6 -8 people can make each one, someone throws out a date if you can make it fab if not then you catch the next one, there's usually very little drama, until Lucy.

Two of the couples have one child each, Martin and Angela have a DD we'll call Lucy and John and Linda have a DD we'll call Kate. No one else has children.

For our most recent meets, Martin and Angela have insisted on bringing Lucy, while John will either stay home with Kate or they'll get a babysitter. It's reached a stage where if someone suggests a dinner, Angela will say no it has to be lunch for Lucy and Martin to join. If someone suggests going for a drink on only a days notice, we're told oh that's not child friendly.

Lucy is two, and while her dad / Angela's partner is a nice man he's only in the friend group because he's with Angela, no one has a relationship with him outside of this, some feel he should stay home if they can't get a sitter. Anyway, people are getting annoyed that they are forcing their way all the time and it means plans don't get followed up on because we don't want to hang out with a 2 year old we want grown up time.

They won't take any hints and seem to think the world revolves around their little girl. Is there a way to phrase sorry this occassion is for adults only without being rude?

Am I/the rest of the group unreasonable to not want to spend our limited time together and adult catch ups with Lucy?

I think Kate's parents are most annoyed as they arrange care because because they want an adult night out with mostly child free friends,c if they cant Kate's dad stays home and they feel Lucy's parents should do the same.

AIBU?

Is there any hint that Martin objects to Angela going out of an evening by herself / without Lucy? Seems a really weird and extreme dynamic…

Just start another WhatsApp group for making arrangements for adult meet ups, only add people that want adult meet ups and crack on

But Angela has ready made child care - Martin. He’s a plus one and doesn’t need to be there. My initial thought was that he’s a bit controlling to be honest, if he’s there at every single get together. I agree that every once in a while there could be something more family orientated, given that Linda has a DD, but the rest of the group are child free so it should be up to Angela/Linda to suggest and arrange, not to pass on the task of ensuring child friendly venues for whoever else is arranging.

I don’t know why you or anyone thinks you need to apologise for an adults only norm. Don’t say we were thinking of maybe making it be adults only this time. That is very wet lettuce like pp said.

So at some point you may all have children, and the hubbies / partners may stay home to babysit while you have a girls night out if the kids are really little.

I have a friend group like this (I'm childless), it's a bit easier as one of them is super organised and just leads on arranging, but essentially we tend to do girl nights out and then in the summer we have a daytime meetup where partners come along too. All of the events are childfree. The one who organises is a single mum with no family nearby she always manages to sort some kind of childcare.

She tends to post, how about this event, who wants to come, with a little whatsapp poll, tends to limit any debate!

Maybe you will evolve to decide that you do want a meetup that includes kids but for now press ahead with keeping them as childfree events.

The only thing I can think is that your friend doesn't want the partner to feel excluded, but maybe he needs to make more effort with the other husbands.

Or maybe she doesn't want to leave the child at this age with him, but in that case she's not being held back from meeting up with other friends during the daytimes.

I agree. It’s not hard to say ‘sorry it’s a nice adult meet up’

To be honest, I’m surprised by the number of posters who keep referring to fathers parenting their own children as “babysitting” in 2025.

To answer some questions, Martin doesn't seem the controlling type, though he doesn't seem to have a friendship circle of his own - he moved here to be with Angela and hasn't really forged his own path. He has certainly had no problem staying with Lucy while Angela attended hen parties. He is a very pleasant man and I like him but someone hit the nail on the head when they said it's no odds to any of us if he's there or not.

And I like Angela fine, but I have no interest in only meeting my group of friends with a toddler in tow.

That's not child-friendly

What alcohol? lol certainly not. You coming or what? Cheers!

You just say sorry you can't make this one, hopefully see you next time! Then you carry on with your plans.

We have one in our group like your friend, but one of my friends is very quick to nip it in the bud, albeit in a nice diplomatic way.

50% of meet ups to be kiddie things because 1 person out of 8 wants to bring their kid? Are you mental???

As a mum of 3 i wouldn't like this. A toddler or child changes the whole dynamic into something much less relaxed. Push back and put boundaries in place. For example we are meeting on x day at x time (make sure its after 7.30 pm) and ideally at a very adult venue if anyone else wants to come.

Angela sounds like one of these annoying parents that expects everybody else to be as enthralled with her dd as she is. I wonder if shs is struggling to make mum friend's. Your meetings are not a toddler group they are an adults only night out and if Angela doesn't like it tough. Some parents are ridiculous and expect there kids to be invited to everything. A family member of mine took the huff that we didn't invite her kids to our wedding. The wedding was tiny and we had no kids at the time and didnt want them there. As a mum of 3 now I still feel it was my wedding day and my decision and the family member was being spoilt. We no longer speak.

So what’s the question? Just go out without her. No need to only go out when she “lets”.

I’m amused at your 1980’s choice of names😄

Aside from that, I agree with others - go on a night out regardless of whether the others can come. As the kids get older the parents will be able to join in more.

I think Angela and Martin are being unreasonable, but think they're only doing it because they think you're all OK with it.
You have no idea of the state of their relationship, Martin's ability or willingness to take care of Lucy alone, how controlling he may be, or Angela's willingness to leave Lucy. None of this is your problem of course, and you're right to draw the line at not inviting one child to an adults only meet up. But be careful not to freeze Angela out.
As long as she's always invited and occasionally there are family friendly meet up, even in smaller groups, it should be fine. If they're all adult only you may as well remove Angela from the group chat.

There have been threads about women like Angela insisting on bringing their older child everywhere, including the spa, and another that brought her baby and her partner to a hen do when she’d been told not to…these things escalate. Nip it in the bud before it gets to that point! Adult only gatherings are completely acceptable, but you and the group need to put your foot down and make it clear before it goes on too long.

I have two young children and absolutely think you are not being unreasonable. Children change the dynamic of this sort of meet up and I can't imagine its much fun for a 2 year old. You need to tell them that its not appropriate and they need to find a baby sitter or one of them stays at home.

Because they're plus ones - nobody except their own partners would miss them at the meet ups, as they weren't part of the original group.

Be prepared as I guarantee Angela will be one of those who proclaims that “you find out who your real friends are when you have kids”.

It sounds like starting of a falling out within my friend group when we had a legitimate expectation Dad might look after the baby for a few hours when she was a bridesmaid for one of our friends. Her, her husband and the baby were given the only other bedroom at the venue apart from the bridal suite, but she said she couldn’t attend the reception at all because her baby’s bed time was 6pm… even though it meant she would’ve been downstairs while baby and husband were upstairs, and she could’ve come and gone from the reception if necessary. That meant the baby shower we’d organised, the christening we attended, the gifts we’d bought the baby, the coming round in the early days to help with washing the dishes etc were forgotten and we weren’t true friends as we didn’t understand what having a baby was like because we suggested she might want to reconsider being there for her friend on her wedding day.

We’re all blocked now and I wonder what her support system is like now and whether she realises how much we did value her and her baby while not believing the entire world revolved around her baby.

We used to eat out with 2 other couples. Took turns choosing the venue. Met at local car park and just followed whoever was choosing.. Ended up at a Wacky Warehouse place. Where you might go so dc can pop off and play while you eat.. I refused to get out of the car!! Dh was fuming!! We had paid a babysitter.. No way was I eating while loads of dc ran round screaming! The couple who chose actually had no idea where to go without their dc. Sod that!! Assume they stayed. We got a take away.

I have something of a soft spot for the hen do toddler lady because her level of batshit-ness made for a cracking thread!

Just book a really “cool” new restaurant, the kind that turns into a club later on or has a cocktail bar attached and say you’ve managed to nab a table at 8:30pm and a table at their bar for after dinner drinks - who is free? Then it’s extremely clear it’s adults only and don’t have to awkwardly say “adults only”.

With group activities, whoever organises it gets to make the choices.

Angela is quite free to organise a lunch, and those who want to attend this kid-friendly event, can. Tell her that.

You: "Anyone fancy going for dinner at 8pm on xx date?"

Her: "It will have to be lunch to suit my DC and DH"

You: "Great, let us know what YOU are arranging for lunch, if anyone else is interested in joining me, I'm going to dinner at 8pm on xx date to Y restaurant".

Let her organize what she wants but you stick to your original plans @amiadickhead she will soon see how eager people are for chicken nuggets and a fruit shoot.

This is perfect.