Am I a dickhead, friend and her child.

[amiadickhead]

I have a group of friends, all women in their late 20s/early 30s. We maybe meet up about 4 times a year. Sometimes husbands and partners will join if they're around and sometimes not. It is usually around 6 -8 people can make each one, someone throws out a date if you can make it fab if not then you catch the next one, there's usually very little drama, until Lucy.

Two of the couples have one child each, Martin and Angela have a DD we'll call Lucy and John and Linda have a DD we'll call Kate. No one else has children.

For our most recent meets, Martin and Angela have insisted on bringing Lucy, while John will either stay home with Kate or they'll get a babysitter. It's reached a stage where if someone suggests a dinner, Angela will say no it has to be lunch for Lucy and Martin to join. If someone suggests going for a drink on only a days notice, we're told oh that's not child friendly.

Lucy is two, and while her dad / Angela's partner is a nice man he's only in the friend group because he's with Angela, no one has a relationship with him outside of this, some feel he should stay home if they can't get a sitter. Anyway, people are getting annoyed that they are forcing their way all the time and it means plans don't get followed up on because we don't want to hang out with a 2 year old we want grown up time.

They won't take any hints and seem to think the world revolves around their little girl. Is there a way to phrase sorry this occassion is for adults only without being rude?

Am I/the rest of the group unreasonable to not want to spend our limited time together and adult catch ups with Lucy?

I think Kate's parents are most annoyed as they arrange care because because they want an adult night out with mostly child free friends,c if they cant Kate's dad stays home and they feel Lucy's parents should do the same.

AIBU?

I had friends like this at various points in the past.

Either you say it's adults only, or you suggest going to the bingo. Game, chat, food and beers and the chance to win some coin.

And stick to it.

Take a stand, OP. Only wet lettuces let themselves be socially held hostage by someone else’s toddler. Go axe-throwing next time.

Yup been here. Got to the point where the person who suggested the outing would be asked to call around pubs to make sure they would accept the pfb, we let it go on waaay too long.

Eventually someone snapped (might have been ‘can you call the pub and ask them if…’ now I think of it) and then we started defining events as adult only or not. They got it - though actually they got it in the sense that they mostly don’t show up unless it’s a family friendly one…

Ahh yeah I’d hate this!!
We have friends who have young kids as do we and we either go to each others houses whilst the kids run riot having fun and we get drunk 😂 or we go out without them and get baby sitters. You need to be blunt and say ‘ahh sorry this one’s for the adults, shall we do lunch in a few weeks?’

Ugh. Angela and Martin are the worst. I had a friend from uni very similar, she had kids first so was trying to be inclusive. I was third to have them and by the time I was going out without them I was more than happy to say no, I want it child free. If kids are coming I'll skip. It took a while but she got the message and to be fair she missed meet ups more than I did.

Stand up for yourself woman!

All parents have the right to enjoy child free time

Be firm and assertive…say we’re booking dinner in at xxxx and meeting up at y o’clock for drink beforehand…..see you there. And end the conversation ……. Don’t debate, don’t compromise.

If Lucy is a friend, could whoever is close to her just have a quiet, caring word? People can get lost in themselves and just not realise… give her a chance to get it without hurt and public standoffs?

You can change your vote.. just click on the other one!

I've had to do it a few times - when you think the BU is one thing and it is the other! (I've seen some people change the buttons to the answers.. but have no idea how you do that)

@amiadickhead I think some people voted Yabu for putting up with their behaviour

In my experience, someone has to be the first one to say "no, we're quite keen on drinks and dinner this time" and the rest of the group will follow.

I wouldn't exclude them too often as you'll be the one with the baby next and you'll be thankful that people will meet you for lunch once in a while too.

There is a bit of give and take with friendships, especially once everyone starts to become parents.

I was the first one in my group to have children (many years ahead) and I honestly find this bonkers?

Both on them for thinking it’s okay to make everyone cater to their child, but also on the whole group for simply not saying “sorry we want a child free night out”. Everyone knows with children around it’s a different atmosphere, even with the most well behaved children. They’re the ones being unreasonable.

I don’t see anything rude in saying ‘sorry adults only’ and then sticking to that position. It is rude to insist that plans change to accommodate a toddler.

It won’t change unless you change it. It she takes offence then so be it.

I absolutely adore children but I wouldn’t want a toddler hanging out at what is clearly an adult get together.

The other couple who get a babysitter and then agree to someone else bringing their child anyway need to grow spines and back you on this.

I like the suggestion from a PP of "this place, this time, adults only. Whose in?"

Say ok, we’ll do it another time with you guys

then start a new WhatsApp group with the people who can make it, just got that evening. You can always keep that group alongside the other group

just for practical reasons

That sounds absolutely exhausting! And no, you’re definitely not being a dickhead. I actually think you’re being way too accommodating but you can gently, and easily, change that. Next time, just message and say something like, ‘How about a night at the pub?’ If they say they can’t make it because of the little one, just reply with, ‘No worries, we’ll stick with this plan for those who can make it and we can plan another catch-up with the kids another time!’

Or do an early dinner for everyone and drinks after for those that can stay out?

or do a what’s app vote and suggest 2 dinners and one lunch time and say which ever gets the most votes?

Maybe see who can do lunch and who can do the evening. Lunch could be just one or two people.

Arrange a date and an evening event with a couple of others in the group and then once that’s determined, put it in the group for the others to accept or decline. It will be a venue that Lucy can’t go to and if there is any pushback just say “sorry you can’t make this one, but will hopefully see you at a catch up soon” and repeat that as many times as necessary.

Unfortunately some people genuinely think everything revolves around their precious child and that everyone needs to go out of their way to accommodate the child. Most people have no interest at all in other people’s children, no matter how polite and nice about them they are. They definitely don’t want their socialising dictated to by a toddler.

You wait, when her daughter is a teenager she'll bring her along to everything, too. And she will tell her everything that you have told her in private.

I probably did 80-90 percent with kids with my close friends because I respected their new commitments and wanted to build a relationship with their kids. To me that’s what you do when you care about people.

We are a group of 5 friends, 3 married, 1 single, 1 recently separated. I was the first of the group to have children I have 2. One other married friend has 2 children as well. And she behaves like she’s the only person to have had kids. Can’t come husbands on nights but welcome to come round mine for a brew instead!!! Any once fancy a late lunch at x Sunday o there’s nothing for the kids there! Well they weren’t invited! we’ll still go out! This caused a lot of trouble a few months back when she said we were selfish!! Sorry but I am not organising child care/sorting out with my husband whether he can do kids clubs etc to go and sit and have a brew with her kids running round!? Just tell them no!

Do Angela and Martin ever take the initiative to suggest and book something child friendly, or do they always expect others to make the plans AND accommodate their kid?

Be blunt. They're not considering the friend group, as they obviously now want it to be a family orientated meet-up.

Next time, say this is where and when we'll be meeting up for an adult get together, and sorry, but no room for changes - or along those lines.

Drinks on x date and y place from 7pm

Lucy’s parents - that’s unfair

organiser - this is what we’re doing this time