To not want to date men who don’t have degrees?

[ForNiftyOrca]

I know this might sound snobby to some but I’ve realised I’m just not interested in dating men who haven’t been to university. It’s not about money or status, it’s about mindset. I find I connect better with people who enjoy learning, have a similar outlook and value education in the same way I do. It’s not that men without degrees aren’t intelligent or successful, I just find I’m more compatible with those who’ve been through that experience.

AIBU to have this as a dating filter or is it unfair to rule people out based on education?

@hellowhaaat3632 That's a deflection, not an answer. I didn't expect anything else.

They indicate a degree of intelligence. It would be silly to think they don't. But they don't guarantee what the OP wants which is intellectual curiosity.

I agree. DH has three degrees, one of which is a doctorate, but he is not intellectually curious at all, whereas I am only educated up to A levels (and a professional marketing qualification) and have far more intellectual curiousity than he does.

I agree.

My exh, my son and I all have degrees and post grad quals. My daughter is currently at university.

My exh, my son and I are all 'intellectually curious'. My daughter? Not at all. Not in the slgihtest in fact! She is very knowledgeable in her subject but she lacks general curiosity despite it being a normal part of life for the rest of us so she's always been exposed to it. She has absolutely no interest in discussing hypotheticals or exploring ideas. She just doesn't get it.

She did better than any of us in our A Levels and looks set to get at least a 2:1 in her degree at a high ranking university.

It means nothing!

Some of the stories my son has told me about some of the students at his uni would put you off anyone who’s gone (luckily my son is not one of those crass, vulgar knobheads). Shocking some of it, as if they never even been toilet trained or parented in common decency. These people are going to be leaving with degrees to their name.

Obviously anyone on online dating has put themselves on the market (though in practice a lot seem to find any excuse not to meet up in person even after messaging for ages, why bother with these apps if you don't want to meet someone in real life?) and people in real life don't go around carrying "for sale" signs so it's the equivalent of going door-to-door asking if someone wants to sell their house.

I'd never stop someone in the street, they'd probably run! Getting into a conversation with someone on the train (or wherever) and exchanging numbers once you've built up a rapport is different though.

I quite like a friend I met while backpacking this year. Would probably have been an instant left-swipe if looking online (because you're making a snap judgement on superficial stuff) but the good conversation made me think "we've got a lot of common interests, we could do well together". I've definitely learned over the years that most things don't matter as much as we thought that they did. Maybe this slow-burning fuse will lead to something, or maybe we'll just remain friends. Que será, será

The bar refers to a person's character not their qualifications!

It ultimately leaves a bigger pool to choose from for the rest of women looking for a partner.

I have already said this elsewhere, but my partner has no formal qualifications and barely scraped a single GCSE. He is one of the most intelligent people I know, and very intellectually curious. Most of what he knows is self-taught, or he picks up things he sees working for other people and adopts them into his life.

School did not work for him. I suspect he is neurodivergent. He comes from a deprived (and at times chaotic) background, so did not have the money or resources for alternative education, and he told me that going to university would have been out of the question on financial grounds anyway. He worked in a few dead-end jobs before finding his niche, worked his way through the ranks and now works in a high-profile role for the government.

Based on qualifications alone, I would have had to discount him. I'm glad I didn't. He is everything I want in a partner, and then some.

So basically, because it’s OLD you’ve put a degree filter in but if it was real life you’d leave it to spontaneous, organic meeting of minds regardless of a degree?

I think it’s just the way OLD is, people have more specific criteria they don’t use in real life (as in, you wouldn’t meet someone in real life, click with them, are attracted to them but refuse to go out with them because they don’t have a degree).

It’s more the nature of OLD than real life.

OP if a man asked you out would you turn him down because he didn’t have a degree, and would you tell him that was the reason why you are declining? (If there appeared to be outwardly nothing wrong with him). Edit to say I know you don’t have to give a reason, it’s just hypothetical.

Unfortunately dating apps make it too easy to set search criteria like this. As someone who spent ages on dating apps and was often disappointed, I'd encourage you not to exclude men without degrees and instead get a sense of their attitudes and values from any conversations you have with them.

I met my DP on a dating app four years ago and we're expecting our first baby any day now. He doesn't have a degree and instead pursued something creative which he's very successful at. He's always learning and naturally curious. I have two degrees and am working towards a PhD. We completely click and connect intellectually and have lots of shared values in terms of educating our children.

FWIW I've taught a lot of undergraduates and I can tell you from experience they don't automatically have a love of learning because they're doing a degree!

I'm also curious why you wouldn't consider a man with a trade! His job is protected for life and he'll be endlessly practical. He can still be smart and switched on.

YANBU OP

Date anyone you are attracted to.

Do you ask potential dates to submit their CVs before you meet them?

You are allowed to have whatever dating requirements you want for whatever reason.

Dating is not an equal opportunities affair. This decision to exclude non degreed men literally impacts nobody but you.

Everybody on the planet has dating dealbreakers and preferences.

I know people who won’t date men without degrees and that includes men they meet in real life even if they spark with them.

Exactly. My DH is shorter than I am. This doesn’t bother either of us in the slightest, obviously, but I get that it would be an automatic ‘no’ for some women, maybe even most women. But I’m not shouting on the internet about the ridiculousness of women with height preferences. People can have exactly the dating criteria they want to have, without anyone else needing to approve of them.

But she has opened up a conversation on here about her preference, so it’s not unreasonable there will be differing viewpoints and input. Unless only the response, ‘great’ is allowed.

Obviously no one on here actually cares about OP’s criteria, but it’s a forum so opinions will be had.

And that’s their prerogative.

I wouldn’t date any man who calls his mum, mummy.

I meant I don’t think it’s always the case people have filters online they would not in real life. (Although some do.)

That’s a shortcut I suppose - but you’ll never know what you’re missing out on if you exclude people who haven’t had just one experience, that you are putting a specific value on.
Neither myself, my husband nor my 2 DC went to university, but some siblings and plenty of our friends and acquaintances did.
All of us are asked regularly where we went to university, and people seem quite surprised to find that we didn’t.

We suppose that may be because of the types of careers we have, how we speak, what we have read, our travel history, our confidence and general knowledge Etc.
We also have great friends from all walks of life, who all enrich our lives… no prejudices here!

My partner has a PhD, academic, and ex university lecturer.
I do not have a degree.

People can apply whatever standards they like to their relationships, but personally, I don't equate qualifications with intelligence.

And certainly not emotional intelligence, which is probably the single most important trait a person should possess. Everything good comes from that.

Charming.

But it’s not an either/or situation. There’s no negative correlation between having a doctorate, or indeed any particular level of qualification, and being emotionally intelligent. I’m an academic, and while some of my colleagues have the emotional IQ of a shoebox, others are fully as emotionally intelligent as anyone I’ve met. The OP is allowed to specify a level of educational achievement and emotional IQ, just as she’s allowed to only date six footers without tattoos, or men with hair, or good dancers.

I don’t think I said there was. I was just stating my opinion to a post that the most important thing someone can possess is emotional intelligence.