To not want to date men who don’t have degrees?

[ForNiftyOrca]

I know this might sound snobby to some but I’ve realised I’m just not interested in dating men who haven’t been to university. It’s not about money or status, it’s about mindset. I find I connect better with people who enjoy learning, have a similar outlook and value education in the same way I do. It’s not that men without degrees aren’t intelligent or successful, I just find I’m more compatible with those who’ve been through that experience.

AIBU to have this as a dating filter or is it unfair to rule people out based on education?

A sobering thought for OP and very much a downside to OLD.

Yes, most of my dating recently has been through OLD, which probably does make me more conscious of filters than I’d be in person. In real life, I’m sure I’d be more fluid and go by connection first. Online though, where you’re wading through profiles, it’s sometimes easier to narrow things a bit. It’s less about shutting people out and more about focusing where I’ve found the best fit so far.

I find this ironic because you're saying your reason for only dating a man with a degree is so that they're on 'your' intellectual level, and in the process completely lacking any real critical thinking skills on your end to realise that there are many highly intelligent, well-read, fascinating and worldy people who do not have degrees. But if the degree is all that matters, crack on, there are plenty of boring people who have them. Nuance. As you'd supposedly understand, being so intelligent yourself.

Honestly, no, I wouldn’t stop seeing someone I genuinely clicked with just because they hadn’t been to uni. If the curiosity, conversation and connection are already there, that’s what matters most. The degree thing is more of a pattern I’ve noticed than a hard rule, it just happens that the people I’ve connected with most deeply so far have usually shared that background.

Donald Trump got into university. Ivy league, no less.

You could be a leading expert in your field (not that Trump is an expert in anything bar grifting) but an utter halfwit in every other aspect of life. Plenty of professors around who vastly overestimate their abilities when outside of their specialism.

I get that OP. I lived with a bf who did that (didn’t go to uni) and it was maddening and frustrating, he’d shut me down because he couldn't engage in even the most innocuous debates or conversations. But my ex, who does have a degree, was also like it. I hated them both for it. It’s really not the degree but the man.

Such a position strikes me as very closed-minded, which is really the opposite of well-educated.

So really you’re just making an observation? Why wrap it up in the concrete ‘I will only date men with a degree’.

What on earth are you going on about? How is this relevant to anything at all?

My son is married to a doctor. He has 2 GCSEs and a mix of A levels and BTec level3.
He is in the RAF but not an officer. They are very happy.

OLD is so different to organic meeting of people. You might well be missing out but who knows, OLD doesn’t seem to have the best stock judging by what people on MN have said before anyway.

Why not, for a couple of weeks, remove that filter and see what comes up? You can always reinstate it.

@hellowhaaat3632 People’s views about gender depend on their education, religion, upbringing, exposure to trans people, and personal values.
Two smart, thoughtful people can disagree, one seeing gender as purely biological, the other as partly social or psychological.

This is an interesting thread. I’ve read the OP’s posts and some (but not all) of the other posts.

I’ll say that one can choose who they do or do not want to date based on anything one likes - it doesn’t have to be considered rational by others. I once went off a man because he pronounced the “l” in “folks”. The OP saying that she only wants to date a man with a degree is no worse than setting a minimum height in dating apps.

My children are too young to be considering dating but I hope that when they do, they have partners who are as bright, more or less, as they are. Not because I am stuck on some prestige thing but because I know that creeping feeling that comes with realising that the person you are going out with just isn’t very smart.

Have you ever gone out in a group with a couple and had the guy get huffy and bad tempered because his wife / girlfriend tells a joke or says something interesting and everyone laughs and leans in? Not because she is beautiful but because she is bright and interesting and he can’t match her wit. Then she ends up having to placate him.

Some people approach the whole of their life as though it were an academic exercise.

what a weird person you are

How do you know what someone's education history is?

Is it the very first thing you ask someone?

If not, then I don't see how you can possibly form any opinion on the relevance of their qualifications.

Do you get on better with someone who has a 2.2?

What about Russell Group?

What if I went to Bryanston School but then studied in Bath?

What if I dropped out of Uni to start my own business and was now a multi-millionaire?

What if "only" had a 2.1?

What if I didn't attend Uni, but was more intelligent than you?

How would you know?

So many variables . . .

I don’t mean it in a sweeping or scientific way. It’s more that, in my experience, people who’ve been through uni often tend to have spent a few years questioning ideas, being exposed to different viewpoints or developing a kind of intellectual curiosity that I enjoy.

I don't find this at all in my friendship group.

You need to get out more and mix with more people.

Just have a degree doesn't necessarily equate to shared values and experiences. I've got a degree. My experience couldn't be further from that of an Oxford graduate. Or even someone who went to the university college I attended, but did it as school leaver. I was married with a mortgage.

Somebody can love and value learning without setting foot in a university. Those values aren't mutually exclusive. It's not wrong to set parameters, but it's also not a bad idea to challenge your perception about the different ways values can be shared.

I can only say I met my husband through a shared interest, but our life experiences couldn't have been more different in many ways. A filter such as you suggest might not get someone who shares your core values as much as simply looking for shared interests might.

I had the same filter when I did OLD and for the same reason.

It wasn't very effective though 🤣

When I've met people in real life, it's been far less important but that because all online dating filters are blunt tools and not very effective.

So YANBU to have intellectual curiosity and good conversational skills as prerequisite for dating. It's perfectly acceptable.

But YABU to think that 'having a degree' is a filter that will guarantee it.

Got to start somewhere though.

And I did actually meet far nicer men when I removed it to see what happened...

i am well aware that educated people are the ones who can educate themselves out of common sense.

I'm totally confused by the results of the poll with this tbh.

Why the hell does anyone think it's not ok to have this as a criteria for dating?

Of course it's fine !

It's certainly no different from the other criteria people put on dating sites?

E.g Taller than 5 ft 9, or no redheads or even no women who do Botox etc

Everyone has their own criteria of 'must have's' in dating, why not look for someone with the same attitude to education?

Lots of women wouldn't be interested in a man without their own 'house & car' as it shows they have a responsible attitude to money/work and adult expectations of a level of 'security'.

This is no different?

I agree but

Some people get very funny about those who value Intelligence and/or education. So I guess some people feel indignant/offended.

Having a degree doesn't guarantee getting what the OP actually wants. So I guess some people are communicating that.

Or they could just have gone on a three-year bender.

@hellowhaaat3632 Your statement still makes no sense. "lol seeing as so many uni kids think men can turn into women."
Have you done any research into the correlation? If so, I'll be corrected.

Presably, though, if he turned out to be an idiot, she'd dump him regardless of his degree?