To not want to date men who don’t have degrees?

[ForNiftyOrca]

I know this might sound snobby to some but I’ve realised I’m just not interested in dating men who haven’t been to university. It’s not about money or status, it’s about mindset. I find I connect better with people who enjoy learning, have a similar outlook and value education in the same way I do. It’s not that men without degrees aren’t intelligent or successful, I just find I’m more compatible with those who’ve been through that experience.

AIBU to have this as a dating filter or is it unfair to rule people out based on education?

But why ‘look’ for it? Why not just meet people, weigh them up by their character and if you’re physically attracted to them and let things like degrees just be incidental?

I’m in my early 30s, so yes, most people in my circles have gone to uni simply because of the generation I’m in. It’s probably part of why it’s become a natural filter, most of the people I meet socially or through friends have similar backgrounds.

I wouldn’t say it’s a strict rule, more that shared experiences often help conversations flow early on. But I’m aware it’s partly a generational thing too, if I were 20 years older, it probably wouldn’t even cross my mind as much.

Well all the good ones will be gone. Don’t hold on to your criteria so tightly it’s the only thing you’ve got to cuddle up to on the sofa on a Saturday night.

I think that’s partly what I’ve been realising through this thread. The degree itself isn’t the real filter, it’s just been an easy shorthand for the kind of outlook and curiosity I tend to click with. I guess it’s more correlation than cause - it’s not the piece of paper that matters, it’s what often comes with it.

I find I connect better with people who enjoy learning, have a similar outlook and value education in the same way I do.

Obviously you can date (or not date) whoever you want but I think you're making some sweeping generalisations here.

My DH didn't go to university, as a Young Carer he felt it was not an option. He also loves learning and taught himself a new language and to play a musical instrument to a high standard as a young man, with no support or encouragement from parents. He is easily as well- read, and better informed when it comes to politics and social issues, than most of our university educated friends. He is very actively involved in our children's education, he is a parent Govenor at one of their schools. He also earns 3 times as much as me (with my two degrees), although that's not the most important thing. You're entitled to draw whatever boundaries you choose, for any reason, when it comes to your own dating life. But I would be wary of writing off (and borderline stereotyping) a significant number of people who may have not had the opportunity to go to university for reasons beyond their control.

I think it may annoy a lot of people because it can unintentionally reflect class bias. Having access to higher education often depends on socioeconomic background, not just effort or talent. It's such a fragile marker to build a relationship on.

Having a degree isn't in the top 10 things I'd have ever looked for in a potential partner.

I have one myself, and therefore used to mix with a lot of other people who did, just because we all met at university. My DH has a degree, but that's not surprising as we met through friends he and I had both known since university days. I actively avoided dating anyone with a PhD, as I'd had several bad experiences with men who had a doctorate and thought they were god's gift to the world.

As I got older and my social circle broadened, I met fewer people around my age with degrees. Far more younger people go to university now (50% of school-leavers in 2017, apparently) than when I went in the 1970s. I don't actually know if many of my present-day friends went to university or not, purely because it would have been decades ago and so doesn't come up much in conversation.

Agree. I see so many uni kids pushed there by schools and parents. Doesnt mean they want to learn, they are expected to get their degree by their parents and do so

I agree with the OP.

Looking at my own wider family and inlaws or the people in my office, if a topic came up that was vaguely intellectual or required a curiosity of current affairs or the wider world beyond the purely domestic or personal, I would tend to click more with those who have had degrees. It is not that we have to agree or share the same view but more the ability to see nuance and acknowledge the other side's view in a wider societal, cultural, social, political and economic context.

Perhaps it is people with degrees that go onto work in professional and executive positions that hone the thinking.

I am of course not saying this is 100% true in all cases. It is fine to acknowledge there are exceptions that do not disprove the rule. Also this is IME.

I prefer a man with skills
A carpenter. Plumber, electrician, painter and decorator, car mechanic.
Intelligent and proud of their work

Not necessarily, no, I wouldn’t rule someone out just from that detail alone. It’s more that, over time, I’ve noticed I tend to connect more easily with people who’ve had a similar educational path, but it’s never been a hard and fast dealbreaker.

Your example actually makes sense, it shows how everyone’s route is different. For me, it’s about shared mindset and conversation flow, not measuring success or intelligence by degrees. So I’d probably get along with your partner if he had that curiosity and drive you’re describing.

Did she find a mate?
Or were they all pawn addicts?

I don’t mean it in a sweeping or scientific way. It’s more that, in my experience, people who’ve been through uni often tend to have spent a few years questioning ideas, being exposed to different viewpoints or developing a kind of intellectual curiosity that I enjoy.

Of course there’s huge variation, plenty of exceptions either way but that mix of openness, self-reflection and willingness to debate ideas is what I’m referring to. It’s just something I’ve noticed I click with more often than not.

Can you give a specific example of dating someone who hadn't been to university and how the mindset didn't match or what they weren't thinking about in an abstract way?

How does owning a waterfront house make someone able to have interesting conversations?

I doubt OOP would have vibed with Steve Jobs. He was rumoured to be a condescending, rude a...hole through and through.

Your reply makes it seem like she wrote that she wanted someone who earns a lot of money. That wasn't what she wrote at all.

You keep making the same vague point. Can you not be specific about the viewpoints university people have been exposed to that you find so irresistible?

I’m definitely not claiming a degree makes anyone smarter or more valuable. I agree that opportunity and access play a massive role.

My post was really about shared outlook than academic achievement, I just tend to click with people who enjoy ideas and conversation for their own sake. Plenty of people have that without ever setting foot in a lecture hall.

I’ve asked that and didn’t get a response. 🤷‍♀️

I know several interesting, intelligent people with and without a degree.
I wouldn't want to date someone whose prerequisite was that I had a degree ( and I have one).
Seems shallow and judgmental to me

Haha fair point, I’m not taking it down to degree class or subject level. I agree that intelligence and critical thinking aren’t limited to graduates and plenty of people coast through uni without much curiosity. For me it’s more about the general overlap - that perseverance and reflective streak you mentioned tends to align with the kind of mindset I get on with. But I’m definitely not running a UCAS-style screening process on dates!

Even though you’re in your 30s, you sound very young in your outlook. You are of course entitled to live your life the way you see fit, but to base your dating criteria on those who have a degree sounds bonkers to me.

It’s also interesting that you don’t set the same criteria for your female friends. Why is that? Don’t you have friends who hold the same values and beliefs as you? Or are you just using your friends until your knight in shining armour (with a degree) comes and whisks you away to have in-depth conversations?

There’s nothing wrong with seeking out a partner with similar values and outlook on life to you, but to say that a degree is more likely to provide that type of person is nonsense. I’d just say it’s more of a coincidence that the people you’ve clicked with also went to uni, rather than going to uni being a necessity.

To still be looking back and considering your uni experience as so important seems very strange to me. I went to uni and never gave it a second thought at the time, and still don’t. It was just something I did to get the career path I wanted.

I’m considerably older than you and have met and dated men along the way who were both thick as mince and good company. Their uni status held no bearing on their brainpower or ability to communicate. I get it that with online dating you have to tick boxes but in my humble opinion you’d do a lot better to seek curious people rather than people with a degree. There are plenty of people with a strong work ethic and will to succeed that you are most likely passing by because of your obsession with ‘a shared uni experience’, which frankly was what most people were doing as a teenager and in their early 20s when their brains weren’t even fully developed. Why do you relate to that period of your life so much?

That’s not what I’m saying at all, I fully respect people who take other routes and build success through apprenticeships or business. My point was never that a degree makes someone better, just that I’ve noticed I tend to connect more easily with people who’ve shared that kind of academic environment. It’s about compatibility, not superiority, I’m not ranking people, just being honest about what I’ve found works best for me.

😂

Maybe a knight -- with or without shining armour?

It would be essential for me as well. I’m highly educated, and I would want a partner who is equally intelligent.

While I recognize that there are individuals without formal degrees who are nonetheless deeply intellectual, I think it’s fair to say that, as someone who’s 45, in my generation those who excelled academically—or simply had strong intellectual ability—typically pursued university education. So, making a degree a requirement would only exclude a very small number of people who might otherwise be a suitable match

Tbh, I do still meet people organically and see where that connection goes. It’s not that I’m running background checks before a first date.

It’s more that, when you’re dating intentionally, you start to notice patterns in who you tend to click with, so you adjust accordingly. For me, shared educational background has just been one of those consistent markers. It doesn’t override chemistry or character but it helps me focus my energy where there’s likely to be more common ground.