To not want to date men who don’t have degrees?

[ForNiftyOrca]

I know this might sound snobby to some but I’ve realised I’m just not interested in dating men who haven’t been to university. It’s not about money or status, it’s about mindset. I find I connect better with people who enjoy learning, have a similar outlook and value education in the same way I do. It’s not that men without degrees aren’t intelligent or successful, I just find I’m more compatible with those who’ve been through that experience.

AIBU to have this as a dating filter or is it unfair to rule people out based on education?

I just tend to click with people who enjoy ideas and conversation for their own sake.

Now I completely agree with that!

Intellectual curiosity is what you are interested in and that is as good a filter as any for dating. That and integrity are the most important aspects of a person for me.

But experience has shown me that it doesn't necessary correlate with having a degree.

Interestingly, I also post on threads to say that I've never dated anyone who didn't take on a 50/50 share of running the home - the domestic and associated mental load.

I wonder if there is a correlation there between thst and men who are open to exploring ideas, thinking deeply, introspection and conversation for conversation's sake? I don't know. Just musing...

I have several degrees and think it's up to you to define your dating parameters any way you choose. However,

It’s not about money or status, it’s about mindset. I find I connect better with people who enjoy learning, have a similar outlook and value education in the same way I do.

I certainly think YABU to imply/conclude that anyone who hasn't been to university doesn't "enjoy learning" or "value education".

There are many reasons people don't go to university. That doesn't preclude them having an enquiring mind, love reading or travelling or learning new things.

Okay, this made me laugh. 😆

I also find it interesting that some posters are equating what the OP is saying with high earning potential.

Intellectual curiosity and high earning potential aren't necessarily correlated either.

One example that comes to mind was someone I dated who was lovely, kind and practical but didn’t really enjoy deeper conversations. I’d bring up something I’d read or an idea I was mulling over and he’d say things like “you think too much” or switch topics. There wasn’t anything wrong with that but I found it hard to feel fully seen or stimulated.

It made me realise how much I value curiosity and being able to explore ideas together, not in a pretentious way, just that sense of shared mental spark. That’s really what I mean by mindset.

This seems like a personality mismatch issue rather than educational experience related issue.

Which in the UK narrows it down to less than 200 people.

Well its up to you, but i think you would exclude a lot if interesting people. My sibling for example didnt go to university and is without a doubt one if the most well read and knowledable people i know.

Conversely, ive known people who've been to uni and are dull as dishwater.

I'd have a conversation with someone and see if theres a spark or a click

I don’t mean a fixed list of viewpoints - more the general experience of being encouraged to question assumptions, encounter different perspectives and think critically about how the world works. That’s what I’ve found I tend to connect with. It’s not that those traits can’t develop elsewhere, of course they can, I’ve just often found they come up naturally in people who’ve been through that kind of environment.

Are you dating exclusively on OLD? That does tend to encourage rigid criteria one wouldn’t have in spontaneous real life meetings.

I can understand if you say you tend to resonate more with university educated people but I can’t see the point in telling yourself you’ll only date them. Up to you of course, but I’m not sure what the purpose is of giving yourself limitations.

I thought that. You articulated it much better than me, though.

Also, all those stories about “X never went to university and is now a millionaire” or “Y left school to become a Z and is now more successful than most graduates.” As if the whole point of a degree were to make money. It may be for some, but it isn’t for anyone I know. Which is why the fact that some people make money without one feels largely irrelevant.

I don't know about anyone else but I did not sign up for degree no 1 at age 18 because I had 'intellectual curiosity' or a 'love of learning' or even because it was a route to a profession.

I went because

1. It was expected of me as a bright student.
2. All my mates were going.
3. I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life except avoid a 9-5 for as long as possible.

If anything, I sleptwalked my way into uni. And then proceeded to sleepwalk all the way through the following 4 years. I didn't even know I'd been to a Russell Grant Group uni until I joined MN.

If anything, university actually STYMIED what little intellectual curiosity I had because I spent my time falling asleep over dronesome text books and had no motivation or energy to commit to reading non-course books during the time. I'd have done much more reading for pleasure during this time had I avoided university wholesale.

I didn't go to university. I enjoy learning and I value education. I didn't attend because I didn't need to - I was offered my dream job in my gap year.

I have friends who went to university and friends who didn't. I've been married to a man who didn't go to university, and am currently married to a man with two degrees.

What I have observed is that some people that have been to university, define and frame themselves in that way. All of their friends are uni friends, all of their stories are uni stories, and they seemingly spend every conversation waiting for opportunities to bring their dissertation up. 20 years later.

Not all people that have been to university do this. Far from it. Just some. And it is DULL AS FUCK.

So I think it's brilliant that you apply this filter, because that keeps two of you 'Sorry your baby isn't sleeping - it's like that time at uni I pulled 3 all-nighters, did I ever tell you about that...?' boreons off the market for the rest of us. You're doing the Lord's work...

You do you. Though I think the dinstinction won’t be the same in the future. The debt one takes on for university now means lots of intelligent open minded people are pursuing different paths. i do think it’s a shame. Uni can be such a wonderful soft launch into adulthood away from home with support - and exposure to so many new ideas and ways of thinking. I presume this won’t effect your dating pool demographic though, and I could be wrong.

It’s perfectly reasonable to draw any boundary you wish though.

"It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it." (often attributed to Aristotle)

I think part of it probably is generational, I’m in my early 30s so uni has shaped a lot of the circles and environments I’ve been part of since. It’s not that I see it as some defining life peak, just that it’s often been a shorthand for certain shared experiences and outlooks that I click with.

I do agree that curiosity, drive and communication skills exist across the board, I just find I encounter them more consistently in people who’ve taken that route. It’s not about hierarchy, just pattern and preference.

Did she die a virgin?

So if you met someone organically, you clicked, the chemistry was there and the conversation was great, he’s clearly intelligent, intellectually curious, well read etc and then you found out he didn’t go to Uni - what then? Would you stop seeing him? Just to turn things on its head a bit!

I know a man who has a degree and, in that sense, is very intelligent. However, on a day-to-day level, his common sense and social skills were terrible. Situationally, he was also hopeless, couldn't assess risk, read the tone of the room or gauge people's emotions.
Lovely bloke, fab at his degree subject, but generally not very attractive as he was not so good at everything else!

Dating only those with a degree can still be quite limiting op!

Yes, I completely get what you mean, intellectual curiosity and integrity are probably two of the biggest ones for me too. And you’re right, it doesn’t always correlate with having a degree, it just sometimes overlaps.

That’s such an interesting point about the 50/50 dynamic, I’ve noticed something similar. The men who are more reflective and emotionally aware often tend to show the same balance in how they approach relationships and home life. There’s definitely a link somewhere.

Tbh, OP, it's what my exh and I had - the deep conversations and playing with ideas.

It was what kept us together for many years so I do get that.

My partner now is brilliant but isn't interested in those conversations. Although he is happy to let me talk and listen and has changed his position on somethings as a result, it feels more like a lecture than a discussion though sometimes My son is though and so I meet that need through him!

lol seeing as so many uni kids think men can turn into women, i'd question that bit about critical thinking.

I have a postgraduate degree and I am a lawyer. I was on dating apps for a while and filtered out anyone who didn't have a degree. I then saw the hottest guy I'd ever seen in real life at a house party - I thought he might be a bit of fun but I rapidly fell in love with him and we got married. He's highly intelligent, well read, funny, compassionate, and the best dad I know. He also earns way more than me (tech industry). He has a few crap A levels, no degree. I sometimes reflect on how I would have missed him if he'd been on that dating app - the best thing that ever happened to me, just because I thought a degree was so important.

YANBU. We're all free to date who we want, based on whatever criteria we select. That can be education, hair colour, penis size, height, weight, occupation, religion, politics, etc.