To end a friendship over disability slur

[Opal888]

I have a friend of about 1 yr and last week she randomly started mocking a disabled person who works in a local café and said quite a few things about not understanding how they had a job. She then used a disability slur beginning with R, which shocked me so much I didn't really hear the rest of her ramble.
I have a developmentally delayed son (which she knows). my eyes started filling up with tears and I said what a horrible thing to say, and she said she didn't mean my son, she meant "other people who are worse than him, your son doesn't really class as special needs".
She left soon after and I was numb and on/off crying for the rest of the day. She messaged that evening to say she was sorry. I left it a few days and have messaged back to say I can't see her again, she's said that the words she used shouldn't reflect her as a person and that it was never a personal attack.

I don't have many friends (no particular desire to) and I quite enjoyed her company despite huge differences between us, but for me this is incomprehensible and unforgiveable. We are both in our 30s and both mothers, this isn't a generational thing.
AIBU?

She sounds like my neighbour who started a ramble about f**ing forinners and then proceeded to specify “I’m obviously not talking about you and your DH, you are hardworking people “ .

Ditch.

I have family on my dad's side who aren't from this country. One of them (he was born here; his dad wasn't) always complains about foreigners but not people like us

Yeah, that would be no friend of mine after that. Vile. You deserve a nicer friend that someone like that.

I'm glad your DD has found such a lovely work experience place 😊

we have mixed experiences in my (wider) family.

it is horrible when people mock or are nasty. My thoughts are not always exactly charitable!! (About those mocking others) My godson was a lovely, bright, full of life & future plans when at 14 he was in a car accident. He was on life support (long story) but survived, but has been left with brain damage. When he was able to be placed in a wheelchair (with neck/head support) I'd take him out for walks & the number of people mocking him was revolting (& this was in a nice area!) it was heartbreaking. People really do not understand disability can happen to any of us in the blink of an eye!

I am now disabled. I had a stroke (literally overnight!) it happens. If it should happen to those mocking or being nasty, I wouldn't shed a tear 💁🏻‍♀️

Not a slur but I had a friend with the same disability as myself who'd always tell me she manages perfectly well with things and doesn't understand why I don't.

She couldn't understand why I'd suddenly stopped talking to her. The final straw came when I posted that I'd just been diagnosed with something and does anyone have experience of it. She said she had never heard of it but couldn't understand how my parents had missed that I had this.

She is a bully. I pray that her children never have to experience such ugliness from anyone in their lives. Baffling how a grown ass woman can be so hateful to another person for absolutely no reason at all. She needs to take a long, hard look in the mirror.

@Opal888 YANBU OP. You have decent boundaries and she more than crossed them.
I find her view that "the words she used shouldn't reflect her as a person" staggering. How does she think the words we all use shouldn't reflect us as people? They do - they're an outward reflection of our thoughts (and prejudices). It's why it's always a good idea to think before speaking. She's been caught out by saying the 'quiet thing' out loud - shame on her and good for you for immediately calling her out on it. And how can she say "it was never a personal attack"? It may not have been towards you, but it certainly was against the cafe worker! (And it makes you wonder what she would think/say about your son if she didn't know you.) I know she's apologised, but this is the way she thinks and I would also find that unforgiveable. I'm sorry she's let you down so badly and you are absolutely right to end the friendship (such as it was).

Things you say and opinions you hold absolutely do define you as a person!

I think you’ve done the right thing op. Well done.

What a horrible person
better no friends than friends like that!

Nope. Cut her out of your life right now she will never change. I have an adult son who has additional needs and complex disabilities. and I hate that word I can’t even say it to quote it it makes me sick. I have a boss who uses that word just off the cuff way. She’s a charge nurse which makes it worse she was reported but she weasels herself it out it as she says it’s an acceptable word in the dictionary! I refuse to speak to her she’s a nasty piece of work and I don’t need people like her in my life.

I work in a warehouse and there are a couple of older Indian born ladies who work there. They have lived in the UK for over 40 years, speak the language perfectly etc though both insist their dc are not allowed to marry any BMW (black, Muslim, white). We also have a lot of indian students working there, just here for a year or two whilst studying. The worst remarks about them are made by the older ladies!

I’m not surprised you were upset and probably a bit shocked at what she said.

Her apology is not very sincere - it wasn’t supposed to sound so bad, she used the wrong words etc. etc. So she meant what she said but said it wrong 🤔

I wouldn’t think twice about ending the friendship. It’s been a relatively short friendship and now that she has shown her true colours I wouldn’t like her as a person anymore

She's utterly disgusting. Of course you're not being "over sensitive." Mocking somebody with disabilities and then using that word against them - ugh.
Any decent person would be revolted at her attitude.
Walk away, couldn't be friends with someone like that as I can't stand bullies.

She's been caught out by saying the 'quiet thing' out loud - shame on her and good for you for immediately calling her out on it. And how can she say "it was never a personal attack"? It may not have been towards you, but it certainly was against the cafe worker!

Yes, exactly - even if you didn't have a child with additional needs, she's still mocking someone who does which is nasty behaviour.

As a parent who's child has a development delay, you're not over reacting! What's she saying about your child in snide convos with everyone else. Plus!! How dare she mock someone trying to just do their job and get on with things, disability or not. She sounds rancid and I would've told her so. Some people are just horrible towards others and then try justify it. Oh I wasn't talking about your child, just the other ones. Like that's okay! Cut her loose

One of my grandma’s saying was “there but for the grace of god go I”.
She would mutter it to herself often, I’ll never forget her explanation, when I asked.
”There are people born different and you are blessed not to have their life problems, that could have been you, be thankful it isn’t”.
She used to say, be kind and show empathy, not sympathy.

She is not your friend and is not worthy of your friendship. I am so sorry you experienced this.
Not the same thing, but similar outcome - a couple of people I considered friends said some really awful things to me following the death of my son. I just walked away from them. Nobody needs friends like that. I made new, better friends, some of whom are in the same boat as me.

Anyone at anytime can end up with a disability either through illness or injury. As a late friend of mine used to say temporarily abled. He had a nasty head injury at 2. Though that injury also saved his life. They found he had an aneurism. After surgery he was disabled had cerebral palsy and struggled with movement on his left side. But he looks on the bright side he’s alive and his wonderful parents never had to grieve for their son.

She's vile and everything that's wrong with the world to be honest. Definitely right to sever the friendship. My son has additional needs and I'd have been keen to never see this person again. Having said that, I don't think it'd bring me to tears, so maybe there is something about your resilience in there, equally, you got on with your day so it doesn't really matter whether you were teary or not, that's up to you I think.

from one SEN Mum to another, you handled this perfectly- good for you.

Unless she was immediately apologetic and willing to learn how to change her perceptions (which she wasn’t) you do not need to ever see this piece of shit ever again.