To end a friendship over disability slur

[Opal888]

I have a friend of about 1 yr and last week she randomly started mocking a disabled person who works in a local café and said quite a few things about not understanding how they had a job. She then used a disability slur beginning with R, which shocked me so much I didn't really hear the rest of her ramble.
I have a developmentally delayed son (which she knows). my eyes started filling up with tears and I said what a horrible thing to say, and she said she didn't mean my son, she meant "other people who are worse than him, your son doesn't really class as special needs".
She left soon after and I was numb and on/off crying for the rest of the day. She messaged that evening to say she was sorry. I left it a few days and have messaged back to say I can't see her again, she's said that the words she used shouldn't reflect her as a person and that it was never a personal attack.

I don't have many friends (no particular desire to) and I quite enjoyed her company despite huge differences between us, but for me this is incomprehensible and unforgiveable. We are both in our 30s and both mothers, this isn't a generational thing.
AIBU?

Yes i would end the friendship, but i would seek help it you really reacted as you described that is not healthy

Thank you so much for this response.
My son is a teen and it won't be long before he starts his working life, it's been absolutely fraught to get this far - and he doesn't display the most likeable personality a lot of the time! DW and I struggle massively with him, so all this has shocked me into realising that there are actually people of my generation who have these views. I think the prevailing emotion is shock actually! Maybe I'm Incredibly naive?! My DW has a very developmentally delayed nephew and she's seen a LOT of prejudice towards him so she hasn't been shocked by this.

"The words that originate as thoughts in my brain and proceed cognitively through my mind and emerge from my mouth don't reflect me as a person".

Ummmmm, of course they do. Unless she's an actress playing a particularly nasty character in a production and you are Truman and completely unaware.

It's the oldest 'excuse' in the book to make a nasty statement about 'these people' and then backtrack by giving you 'a free pass' when they realise that you're part of that group.

And describing a person - not the challenges that they face or the impact of their disabilities, but actually them as a person - as 'worse than' somebody else is vile. What does she even mean by dismissing/denying your DS's special needs? Does she somehow believe that having special needs is shameful or a personality flaw?

Anybody can make the odd tactless or insensitive comment; but she just sounds disgusting to the core. No way I could ever consider calling somebody like that a friend.

Well done OP. I wouldn't be friends with someone like this because her views are disgusting. I don't agree with the pp saying your reaction is excessive; of course it stabs your heart given your personal circumstances.

I am white and in the past if someone revealed racist views I'd think they were horrible people and avoid them forever but it didn't hurt me. My reaction was all in my head. Now that I have children with a brown man my reaction is from deep within.

The OP has a Son, who has development delay, as she states in her OP. Someone she liked, and classed as a friend knew this, yet still mocked a disabled young person, and used a term, which most people would find offensive. It touched a nerve, for the OP, who is no doubt protective of her child, and may have worries about his progress. I can see why she was very upset, it really is not difficult to understand.

Your reply is pretty much how I feel!
I have no idea what she means by "not as bad" - my son has been in mainstream school for 2 years (and struggled hugely) after the rest of his childhood in the special education system, so perhaps given she's only known me a year she thinks he doesn't somehow qualify for his diagnosis anymore? I don't know, baffling really. Regardless of how severely he's impacted, doesn't make her views acceptable.

Yep I know exactly what you mean, before I had DS, if someone had ever made remarks similar to this I'd just think, God they're a prick.
Now its painful!

You don't need that kind of person in your life.

Absolutely.

I would say this is a ‘normal’ reaction considering your own dc, tbh

I couldn’t be friends with her either

I have a severely disabled son. My brother and sister in law were due to visit one weekend and just before my brother posted a meme on fb about window lickers etc. they never came and I’ve barely spoken to him since

You are definitely not over sensitive. Realising you have been friends with someone who has those views, would make anyone, either upset or very angry.

So a lot of people seem unaware of the seriousness of that word. In America, they use it much more freely. The black eyed peas song let’s get it started in let’s get retarded in the US. I think it’s important to have some understanding that people may not use this word in the same way and I usually tell them if they use it. That being said mocking a disability is absolutely disgusting and unforgivable. Her reaction to your message is quite frankly the opposite of what’s acceptable and shows you’re right to cut her off.

It doesn't matter whether or not it was intended as a personal attack. It reflects how she views others, and you don't want a friend who views others like that (nor should any of us, regardless of whether our children are disabled). Good for you for drawing that boundary for yourself and sticking to it.

Yanbu.

"I understand it wasn't a personal attack, I didn't take it as one. I'm not ending our friendship because of a perceived personal attack. You ended it by showing your true colours. In the same way that it wouldn't be ok to be a racist but to have a few non-white friends who you think are 'not like the rest of them' it is not ok to have such disgusting attitudes to disabled people in general and just kindly make an exception for my son or any other disabled people you happen to know. Do not contact me again."

I don’t think it’s because you’ve been naive. As long as you do low prejudiced people exist.. You’re probably also kicking yourself for allowing her into your inner circle. You can place her back outside it, which you are doing.
Your son will hopefully find his own way

Well done OP! I'm sure it wasn't easy, but you should be proud of yourself for being brave enough to call out this behaviour. It's partly because too many people feel they should keep quiet and not make a fuss that such nasty people are not challenged enough, leading to the behaviour becoming normalised. And yes, the words she used do reflect her as a person. Qualifying it by saying " I didn't mean your son", makes it worse, not better💐

Edited for typo

Good for the staff member for trying their best, she sounds like the sort of person who’d begrudge disability benefits but wouldn’t want to work with or be served by someone who tries to help themselves either.
Well done for calling her out, you don’t need that kind of “friend” in your life.

That's absolutely horrendous, I'm so sorry. So hurtful.
Yes my now ex friend also used the phrase window-lickers in the same diatribe.

Don't break it off

Just be distant and unavailable

She'll get the message

I've got a friend who is a bit like that but the bizarre thing is my son is one of the severely disabled - She keeps saying things like 'oh I don't mean your son I mean the severely autistic' - but my ds1 is as severe as you can get ! I have told her this several times but she just reverts back to talking about high functioning autism by the next time we meet. I think some people just cannot 'get it' ! But i wouldn't stay friends with someone who actually mocked a disabled person that sounds like an excellent reason to never see her again.

YANBU

She should take a long look at herself. You’re absolutely right to never speak to her again. I’d just block her now.

I absolutely know prejudiced people exist, I'm a lesbian and my DW is pretty regularly called slurs. I don't know though, something about mocking disabled people just feels 10x worse than an irate customer calling my lovely DW a fat queer

Yanbu. I hate this 'but I don't mean you' crap when people insult others and clearly insult/judge you at same time! She sounds horrible anyway so no loss.

I agree with you OP. She sounds like an aerosol.
Though don't expect too much support here. Mumsnet hates disabled people