To end a friendship over disability slur

[Opal888]

I have a friend of about 1 yr and last week she randomly started mocking a disabled person who works in a local café and said quite a few things about not understanding how they had a job. She then used a disability slur beginning with R, which shocked me so much I didn't really hear the rest of her ramble.
I have a developmentally delayed son (which she knows). my eyes started filling up with tears and I said what a horrible thing to say, and she said she didn't mean my son, she meant "other people who are worse than him, your son doesn't really class as special needs".
She left soon after and I was numb and on/off crying for the rest of the day. She messaged that evening to say she was sorry. I left it a few days and have messaged back to say I can't see her again, she's said that the words she used shouldn't reflect her as a person and that it was never a personal attack.

I don't have many friends (no particular desire to) and I quite enjoyed her company despite huge differences between us, but for me this is incomprehensible and unforgiveable. We are both in our 30s and both mothers, this isn't a generational thing.
AIBU?

I think this is a pretty reasonable reaction. I have two children who are disabled and if my friend said this about another disabled person I’d first of all cut them off but I’d also be really upset about it. Probably for a while. And it’s not just the words she said, it’s the fact that I’d put my children into that disabled persons shoes and I’d be so hurt and upset that these opinions are still around, and that someone felt confident enough to say it out loud. We spend our lives advocating for our children who are pushed from services and let down over and over. It’s exhausting, but I think we become comfortable and a little naive in the bubble we create. Naturally we surround ourselves with likeminded people, so everyone around me is of a similar opinion regarding disability, and I think if I was suddenly faced with such open discrimination, especially from someone I classed as a friend, it would blow that bubble away abit. It would pull me back down to earth and I’d start to think more how society can be cruel, and it hurts to know that could be your child experiencing that one day.

So I get it op, your reaction is valid and understandable x

Unfortunately I’ve had to end two friendships over stuff like this. It’s not about forgiving one thing that someone said but that it betrays what they think about disability, their character. It was a shame to end the friendships but I couldn’t see past it as have a disabled family member

I think when someone shows you that sort of meaness it's very hard to unsee it.

It’s not the length of time in which you have known the person who’s said it, I don’t think it’s relevant how emotionally connected to the friend op was. As a parent to two disabled children I would have the same reaction if a stranger made this comment. It’s discrimination and a reminder of the prejudice and difficulties my children will face once they are of working age. That’s why I’d be so upset and angry, because they are more vulnerable and I won’t be there forever to protect and advocate. It’s a heartbreaking reminder that society isn’t always kind and understanding, and what her friend thought was a funny off the cuff remark, was a really painful reminder to op of the type of discrimination her child will receive.

Aw OP some friends are annoying. Maybe forgive her if you like her otherwise x

Not that it makes it better, but did she actually have any disagreement or grievance with the disabled worker, whereby she was letting off her frustration and going for an ad hominem attack rather than focusing on what had actually been said or done that had upset her?

It sounds like the worker was just minding their own business, getting on with their job, and the 'friend'' just felt such anger at a random person for who they happen to be that she felt the need to actively express her innate hatred for and prejudice against somebody who wasn't doing anything whatsoever to affect her.

Bullying is never acceptable; but seizing on somebody's disability to loudly assert your presumed superiority to them is lower than a snake's belly.

In that case absolutely end the relationship! It’s not your job to educate people, so you have no obligation to and if there’s no long term benefit then best to save your emotional energy.

I totally understand you being so upset over this. It’s not just about realising your friend is a horrible person after all, but also being reminded just how common these prejudices are and apparently how acceptable many people think they are. The fact that she would talk like that and not expect such a strong reaction shows that plenty of people do share these views, or at least are happy to keep quiet when other people come out with such stuff. Your child is going to be dealing with this their entire life. That’s pretty upsetting being reminded of that by someone you thought was a friend. People are shit.

Well done for not accepting her behaviour. More people that call out people like this.

Someone called my ASD son the R word in a shop. The staff were amazing and banned her. Sadly DS never went back.

I would cut out anyone who thought that this was okay.

Her loss @Opal888

Yes I would end the friendship, I had a friend just like that. She'd throw around the nasty "R" and "S" words, not when speaking about disabled people but when speaking about someone they didn't like so casually like she'd say "Oh why are they so R**ed?" Or "Ahghhh they're a proper S*z" I happen to have a child who has profound learning disabilities, I was horrified and she was this dismissive when I pulled her up on it. I wish I'd had the confidence to end the friendship sooner and I really wouldn't be surprised if we are speaking about the same person so just incase it's the (very unlikely) case we are, don't be surprised if she acts the victims when you do but do it anyway it'll be best thing you ever do.

I don’t have any kids at all and I would have told her to fuck off forever at that point.

She sounds vile. And it was certainly personal to the cafe worker. You dont need a friend who mocks the vulnerable

Shes absolutely vile. You should end the friendship. If it was a case of language/semantics eg she said "gosh I was such a retard today, I lost my car keys twice" you told her the r word was offensive and she apologised, then I wouldnt end the friendship. But her mocking a disabled person is disgusting and shows who she is as a person.

I would call being a shamelessly hateful bigot and mocking people with developmental disabilities who dare to be seen out in public absolutely reprehensible, not just a bit annoying. I guess you must have a higher tolerance for toxic hate speech than I do if you consider the behaviour of the OP's ex-friend only to be annoying!

My post didn’t come across how I wanted it to.

I meant to say we all know prejudiced people exist but it hurts more when you realise you’ve wasted time precious time on someone like that, especially ones who can do or say things to hurt those we value.

I understand where you’re coming from, in short.
I’ll reiterate- you definitely did not overreact.

This is so disturbing and upsetting.

I also have a child with additional needs and it’s so upsetting and uncalled for.
It shows a nasty and/or stupid
streak.

She is absolutely disgusting. You are not over reacting and I am actually embarrassed for her. Behind that person working is mostly like a really proud mum/dad absolutely delighted their child has got a job despite their challenges and as a special needs mum myself I am so offended that this grown woman could say such disgusting things. Hope you're okay xx

I've got a disabled child and this would have cut me much deeper than it would've done before I had him. I think it's that realisation that there are people out there who seem like good, nice people who would mock your child for their disability. That knowing that they will face discrimination and difficulties fitting in with the world, even in places you wouldn't expect them too. I would have been in tears to OP.

No. You are NOT being oversensitive. She said something awful and unforgivable.

I hate confrontations too and can understand why you feel anxious. But remember - she's the one with the problem. Your reaction is entirely understandable and human.

I don't blame you. I wouldn't look at him again . Much love to you and your son. You deserve better than that.

My DD1 (16) is at a specialist college for young people with additional needs and she has one day of work experience at a cafe like that. We visited her there once and it does have a lovely atmosphere. She loves it there, too.

It’s awful to think of someone saying such nasty things about her whilst she’s serving them.

If a friend of mine expressed such negative views about disabled people, I’d have to end the friendship too, OP. I can also understand you being upset about it at the time.

Of course her words reflect her as a person! Who else would they reflect? So she's utterly stupid as well as being so nasty.

I'm sorry you had to experience this, but well done on standing your ground and telling her she was wrong.
I recently met a friend's husband for the first time. He referred to someone as the R word too. I don't know if the person has a disability or if he was using it as an insult based on their personality/behaviour. I instantly thought wtaf, who thinks it's ok to speak like that especially in front of people they don't know. But I didn't want to cause a scene (in fairness to me it would have been extremely awkward in the situation I was in to say anything) but I do feel ashamed of myself not saying anything. However I won't be accepting invitations that involve him again. It's most surprising as his wife is nothing like that