To end a friendship over disability slur

[Opal888]

I have a friend of about 1 yr and last week she randomly started mocking a disabled person who works in a local café and said quite a few things about not understanding how they had a job. She then used a disability slur beginning with R, which shocked me so much I didn't really hear the rest of her ramble.
I have a developmentally delayed son (which she knows). my eyes started filling up with tears and I said what a horrible thing to say, and she said she didn't mean my son, she meant "other people who are worse than him, your son doesn't really class as special needs".
She left soon after and I was numb and on/off crying for the rest of the day. She messaged that evening to say she was sorry. I left it a few days and have messaged back to say I can't see her again, she's said that the words she used shouldn't reflect her as a person and that it was never a personal attack.

I don't have many friends (no particular desire to) and I quite enjoyed her company despite huge differences between us, but for me this is incomprehensible and unforgiveable. We are both in our 30s and both mothers, this isn't a generational thing.
AIBU?

True. I guess I'd understand it more if it was a lifelong friend or her best pal, but OP says she's only known her a year and they have considerable differences.

I suppose my (poorly made) point is that if you're going to get that emotionally invested in people early doors, you're leaving yourself open to disappointment.

Not remotely unreasonable. She’s a disgrace and you’re far better off without her.

Absolutely abhorrent, vile woman. You did the right thing ending the friendship!

I have a disabled child and people such as your ex friend are a waste of oxygen.

I am now no contact with a family member because they were using disabled slurs to mock disabled people. My son excused of course!

Told family member that to attack the general population of people with a learning disability, ALN or a physical disability means that they are attacking my child because that's the world he moves in!

I cried too, op, a mix of tears of rage and sorrow that there are still some vile people out there who think like this!

I think absolute fit is out too 🤣😬

I think that’s the difference isn’t - 1. Cultural. 2. Now you’ve been told, you know. You don’t make excuses or try to make it reasonable.

If she apologises fully and accepts how cruel her remarks are - not just to you but to the wider disabled population then I’d forgive her.

She might learn from it. If she doesn’t then I’d tell her why I don’t want her in my life.

I get that sometimes people use the wrong words because they constantly change, that alone I don't find unforgivable but mocking someone is really nasty.

As a mum of a disabled child I completely understand why you were upset - your worst fears about how the world might also perceive your own child were confirmed by a person you are close to mocking an innocent person in public. It's awful whether it's a friend or a stranger (I saw a woman mocking my son in a supermarket once) - she is vile. You are well rid! Virtual hug

Yes, sometimes words seem to change from standard to taboo in a matter of years; but if she's only in her 30s, the R word has never been remotely acceptable in her lifetime.

The YABU vote has a few clicks, I’m mind blown!
May the people who think that, never find me in life.

OP, you did the right thing.
That woman in the cafe is working, she’s doing nothing wrong, just existing and somebody is saying bullying words about her. Horrible. There’s no excuse to use the R word, it’s derogatory and offensive. You’re a good person who felt upset on behalf of an innocent woman who wasn’t able to defend herself (because it was said behind her back) I’d be so upset to think people were mocking me for things I can’t help, when I’m just trying to go about my day/life.
The fact your friend feels that way and so openly and casually told you is absolutely a reflection on her.
I wouldn’t be friends with someone who had such a mean streak either, even taking your son out of the equation. It’s even worse she tried to justify it by telling you “not your son, but the ‘others’ who are worse than him” so, people who are ‘more’ disabled than others are fair game, but some disabled people get a pass because they aren’t disabled enough?!

You can make new friends. No friends is better than a spiteful one

So she means people like my daughter who have DS? She's fking gross.

See ya love. Get her out of your life. Nasty.

she sounds awful
well done on cutting her off

Bin this person OP. They sound very stupid and ignorant. I had something similar happen to me with an old friend years ago when I was out with them. I distanced myself from them and told them why. She is no loss.

Her values are not compatible with your’s. Very Disappointing when nasty people reveal themselves like this.

At best her comment to you was very unkind and insensitive, so I voted YANBU.

One the one hand, I blush when I think of some of the stuff I came out with in my younger days, for which I needed a good, hard slap - so I believe people can change and (sometimes) should be given the benefit of the doubt.

On the other hand, it was clear from your post, @Opal888, that your upset was genuine, therefore I voted YANBU, and think you are right to move on.

Yeah absolutely. My parents (60s) nd grandparents (80s) have used inappropriate words variously over the years and it's not something I get overly het up about even when it relates to me/us because you can tell in the wider context of their sentence and their generation that no derision is meant. Like when my 86 year old nan says "the doctor was a black man, but he was nice, oh and the test results said...". How far are you going to challenge that really? All us grandchildren do say things (mildly) back like " I'm not sure how his race is relevant" or "strange way to put it, nan".
I suppose this is why I added detail to my OP, because the tone and contents were entirely mocking , not just a word used - plus her attempts to rationalise it.

My ex friend dumped me because I called her out on using the word ‘spac’ for a disabled person. I don’t miss her.

I can see your point and if this were a friendship I valued very dearly, or it were a family member, I might do so. The reality is that it's a casual friendship, I'm not devastated at losing it (although a bit sad how it came about), and I get about 20 minutes a week to myself and really can't be arsed with the emotional labour any of that would entail. Ideologically I completely agree with you though.

People can be vile OP. There's a lot of disability prejudice out there
They need to bear in mind that anyone can become disabled at any time and understand how fortunate they are

She’s a twat.

Sometimes people are really hurtful and don’t understand the impact of what they are doing and saying. She also doesn’t seem to understand its nothing to do with being a personal attack on you and your son, it’s about her failings as a human being and putting out hate into a world….because someone was doing their bloody job.

Part of me thinks cut her off. Part of me thinks maybe her eyes can be opened up and she maybe willing to do some reflection. She obviously values your friendship to apologise …maybe there’s hope for her and you could help make her see?

But if you think explaining to her and working with her, is just too much for you- don’t feel a seconds guilt about cutting her off. I think that’s what a lot of people would do. She would certainly learn a lesson about the nastiness she put out into the world, has consequences.

Me, I would grill her on why she said those things, why she believes those things and establish if she is capable of acting like a human.

I thought this might have been about someone unwittingly using an outdated term but it's much worse than that. I really wouldn't want to continue the friendship.

You weren’t being over emotional, some of it may have been shock at the fact that your ex-friend could launch into a diatribe like that while knowing you have a disabled son.

I’m disabled due to two falls. I have in the past pointed out to people that they are only an accident away from joining me when they have been insulting / disrespectful. It must be doubly tiring to have to deal with this all the time.

Hopefully you can put this behind you. Hug your son & DW, and remember that the rubbish took itself out before it said something in front of DS. That would have been even worse (and you can guarantee that she would have at some point).

Proud of you OP, you did the right thing, don't doubt yourself.
I sincerely hope your words have made her re-think her attitude going forward.

The only person in control of what comes out of her mouth is her. Of course her words reflect her as a person.

Her apology - assuming it was a genuine ‘I’m so sorry I was thoughtless, unkind and hurtful’ - doesn’t mean you have to continue being her friend…you can accept it and still keep your distance.

YANBU.