To end a friendship over disability slur

[Opal888]

I have a friend of about 1 yr and last week she randomly started mocking a disabled person who works in a local café and said quite a few things about not understanding how they had a job. She then used a disability slur beginning with R, which shocked me so much I didn't really hear the rest of her ramble.
I have a developmentally delayed son (which she knows). my eyes started filling up with tears and I said what a horrible thing to say, and she said she didn't mean my son, she meant "other people who are worse than him, your son doesn't really class as special needs".
She left soon after and I was numb and on/off crying for the rest of the day. She messaged that evening to say she was sorry. I left it a few days and have messaged back to say I can't see her again, she's said that the words she used shouldn't reflect her as a person and that it was never a personal attack.

I don't have many friends (no particular desire to) and I quite enjoyed her company despite huge differences between us, but for me this is incomprehensible and unforgiveable. We are both in our 30s and both mothers, this isn't a generational thing.
AIBU?

Heaven only knows what she thinks in the privacy of her head if she thinks it is acceptable to voice these hideous views out loud to you especially as you have a disabled child. You are well rid of her. It must be upsetting on several levels, her attitude and the loss of a friendship but you sound lovely and deserve good supportive mates

“Friendship”over!

Her apology, word for word, was

I'm mortified I've upset you hun, it wasn't meant to sound as bad as it did and I'm sorry "
Then again later
"It was never a personal attack and the word I used should not reflect me as a person, I just sometimes get my words wrong"

Which again I can understand if it was one slur, slip of the tongue, outdated term, yada yada , but it was a whole belief she was espousing.

Took her a year to show her true colours……….you're well rid OP! What a despicable person that ‘friend’ turned out to be!

That would put me off being friends with her.

She's fucking awful. Of course the words she uses reflect her as a person. She has the choice to not use that word and she used it.

OP, your son will face many prejudices in life.

I am autistic and so is DS, and these words used to make me cry a lot, but you need to turn that sadness into anger that can fuel advocacy.

You did the right thing telling her you can't see her anymore, that was a firm boundary and it can be hard to set boundaries, but you did it!

Use the rage from people using these disgusting intolerable words to sharpen your elbows, and know that lots of us have also had to do the same thing. You're not alone.

she's said that the words she used shouldn't reflect her as a person and that it was never a personal attack

riiiiight, I wouldn't be friends with someone this stupid let alone someone this vile!

one of our local cafes has a large number of staff with learning disorders etc. it has such a lovely atmosphere.

Nah she's a horror
As you say you don't have space for that in your life - she's no loss

It's not an overreaction. Having so called friends being mean and cruel about someone with disabilities is upsetting. It's even more upsetting when you have a child with additional needs yourself.
I have a child with severe autism and this upset me just reading it. If someone I knew said it to me IRL I would probably cry.

I just wonder how she speaks about your son, when talking to others.

Also fuck her!

If you're disabled you're damned if you do work, and you're damned if you don't work.

You're a benefits scrounger if you feel like you've not got the capacity to work, and if you do work, you're seen as a needy, entitled person for needing reasonable adjustments and knowing your personal limits. You're seen as a pity case and employers are praised for employing disabled people as part of their diversity campaigns.

That person who is working is just a person who is working, and they deserve to be out in public, holding a job down if that's what they want to do. They deserve to take up space. They deserve to be seen and represented in the population. They deserve to have opportunities. They deserve for their worth to not be based on their disability.

She is a fucking disgusting person right down to her soul. Her very core. She doesn't get to decide that she's a nice person, that's for other people to decide.

Youre right on the nail here. My now-ex friend was the one who initiated and pursued the friendship and I said to my DW at the time that I wasn't sure what we'd have in common because there seemed to be some critical thinking differences, which is now hugely ironic given her stance on people "less able" than herself. My DW said I was being an intellectual snob, so I went along with the friendship and we've had some cheerful times, we have some things in common, but it was never going to be a really close friendship.

I think you are quite right and you can't overlook that kind of comment. It beggars belief that she thought that was ok to say, especially to you.

My dd is autistic and comments about autism hit hard - probably throwaway comments and not about my dd of course - but that makes no difference. As pp say, it is a reminder that there is prejudice out there even from those who appear to be friends and share your values.

She has shown her true colours.

you are not being oversensitive, what was said is totally unacceptable.

I will say, nobody can police what other people are thinking. If people don't voice their nasty thoughts, then others have no way of opening a discussion with them to counter their views and explain why they are unacceptable.
Just shutting down discussion gets things put underground where they grow like weeds and prosper.

If the person in the cafe was just going about their job then it’s despicable for her to comment on their disability and insult them.

If the person gave them poor service then she can complain about that person being employed when they are unfit to do the job, but calling them a retard is just nasty as it’s not the person’s fault but the employee who should make sure all employees can do the job properly.

She's vile, you're right to end the friendship.

I do find your reaction completely over the top though. Surely a 'you're a knob' is sufficient and get on with your day?!

You now know she will be mocking your son to her other friends OP. I could never forgive her for it.

Your words DO reflect who you are as a person. And she showed who she is.
You are 100% right to drop her on her ableist arse.

Personally I think that we are what we do and say because those are the things that affect the world around us. I don't see the point in being a really great person on the inside if that side never gets shown.

I would have cried for the shock of how someone could be so cruel. It is upsetting. I think my anger would kick in then. Hold your chin up. You deserve better friends.

It would put me right off too.

The general atmosphere in this country is like that at the moment. The government is rambling on about getting lazy disabled people back to work, without seeming to consider that many employers make it impossible.

www.benefitsandwork.co.uk/news/hgv-training-and-building-work-to-be-offered-to-claimants-with-lcwra?

She's not your friend. I'd guess that she said what she said knowing about your son, because she wanted to hurt you. She's no friend!

I accidentally posted before I had finished.

The government organises health assessments for disabled people and a result of that, some are classed as having 'LCWRA' which means that they are too sick or disabled to work. The government now wants to help these people back into work. I cannot imagine any significant number of people who have been awarded LCWRA will be able to do any job - however much they probably want to.

No.i couldn't be friends with her either, she sounds ignorant anyway but I also have a disabled child it of course it cuts deeper when your loved one has a disability you don't need friends like that.

What a vile , disgusting woman. Some of the most intelligent and hard working people in our society are disabled, and it shows what an ignorant woman she is. I’d argue she’s just deeply insecure, because for whatever reason she felt she had to mock and insult a person more vulnerable than her.

I bet she couldn’t work in a job that’s not built for her, and have a member of the public mocking them whilst they are hard at work and contributing to society. To say this to you aswell when you have a child who is developmentally delayed just further proves her ignorance and lack of intelligence. You are well rid of this idiot, and I’d hold your head up high for not allowing that energy into your life from the moment she said it. You don’t need that person around you, be glad you have only been friends for a year before she showed her true colours.