To end a friendship over disability slur

[Opal888]

I have a friend of about 1 yr and last week she randomly started mocking a disabled person who works in a local café and said quite a few things about not understanding how they had a job. She then used a disability slur beginning with R, which shocked me so much I didn't really hear the rest of her ramble.
I have a developmentally delayed son (which she knows). my eyes started filling up with tears and I said what a horrible thing to say, and she said she didn't mean my son, she meant "other people who are worse than him, your son doesn't really class as special needs".
She left soon after and I was numb and on/off crying for the rest of the day. She messaged that evening to say she was sorry. I left it a few days and have messaged back to say I can't see her again, she's said that the words she used shouldn't reflect her as a person and that it was never a personal attack.

I don't have many friends (no particular desire to) and I quite enjoyed her company despite huge differences between us, but for me this is incomprehensible and unforgiveable. We are both in our 30s and both mothers, this isn't a generational thing.
AIBU?

she's said that the words she used shouldn't reflect her as a person and that it was never a personal attack

Ok, then tell her everyone on this thread says she is a literal piece of shit and see how well she takes it!

YANBU - she is a horrible, bigoted person and I would cease all contact.

This actually made me laugh, thanks, needed that

It's a shock when you realise someone is actually unpleasant though. It wasn't a stranger, it was someone who the OP had considered a friend.

Crying is completely natural and healthy response to an upsetting experience.

Opal, I hope that this is the start of her beginning to change the way she views people who have an ALN. Perhaps she will begin to understand how inappropriate and cruel her words are.
Just perhaps you have been the start of her seeing something through a different lens.
The friendship is over, but you will have left a mark that will stay with her forever. Many people are ignorant or are scared of difference. But there are many who aren’t.

I (used) to know someone who would say similar things and then they had a developmentally delayed and disabled child themselves.
you are not wrong even if the person is significantly disabled it is downright cruel and belittling to speak about someone like that everyone has worth

This is a lovely way to reframe it x

This is horrid OP. You’re right to end the friendship.
you‘re not sensitive and it’s ok to cry over things that upset you. She sounds an utter idiot with a very nasty streak.

Honestly, if you really value the friendship, I’d try to educate her and let her know why what she said is not okay, regardless of your son but was particularly hurtful to you in the context of your son.

Some people genuinely don’t realise that what they’ve done is wrong because that’s the way they’ve been brought up and they lack the critical thinking skills to challenge their own behaviour.

If after that she ever makes any comment again I’d end the friendship, but the world would be a better place if she understand why she’s wrong and it sounds like your world would be better for having her as a friend. We don’t achieve much by segregating those with abhorrent views other than creating a community of people who act and think like your friend does, and that’s not good for anyone.

I could not get over that comment, it is a reflection of what she really thinks and I understand you being tearful afterwards, I would too because that was a person I thought was a friend and a reminder than people can seem nice but hold such incomprehensible prejudices. I promise you not everyone is like her, don't give up on meeting new people. 💐

Well done for removing this awful individual from your orbit

I’d be devastated by this and I don’t think you are being over sensitive at all. I too would not want to be her friend and would tell her so. You did nothing wrong. The glimpse of nasty is always shocking.

It's especially bad when it's family I agree. (thinks of SIL at a Christmas meal some years ago where she made 'disabled noises' & flapped & encouraged her upper Primary aged children to join in. She is a SEN TA. Her brother is ASD & Dyslexic as are both my children. All at table together. Just VILE...)

OP, your reaction was normal & appropriate to the remark. Hearing such disablist bile is horrible, especially from an unexpected source. Block & avoid.
Keep supporting your son (patronising that great Cafe). Hold your head high x

I would have found that off-putting to say the least. So ignorant and it's not my job to educate her up from such a basic level.
Couldn't be arsed.

I absolutely won't tolerate shit like this either. I have a disabled son as well but even if I didnt, it's not acceptable.

Someone I was having a conversation with the other weekend out of nowhere used the n word. There will be no conversations with me, ever again.

Disabled people can be SO vulnerable. I absolutely hate it when people are awful. My son goes to a day centre and some of them are very obviously disabled being loud and unusual movements etc. He said one day that people were making fun of them. I bloody cried as well. I can't take it.

I already thought she was vile, but there’s no room for doubt now. Her non apology, and attempts to justify what she said too.

You’re absolutely right to bin her off. Life is difficult enough without dealing with stuff like this.

Urgh! VILE! 😖 Ditch her @Opal888 She is not a good person.

You are not being oversensitive about this, you 100% did the right thing so don't doubt yourself for a moment.

Good on you for calling her out in the moment and letting your feelings be known. If she has used that word in your company I'm sure worse things have been said behind closed doors. This will hopefully be a learning opportunity for her to never ever use that word again and to think before she speaks. But no, I wouldn't see her again.
You will meet other friends who aren't hideously ableist!

You just need to dump her. Do you really want to be associated with someone who mocks other people's disabilities? I only hope a disability never visits her, as she will see what it is like. You are losing anything by dumping her. You are keeping your boundaries, maintaining your integrity. New friends will come along. I look at it like this - one out, one in. Don't be desperate for a c**p friend. You are worth more. And, she may even learn a lesson. I dumped a friend a year ago for phoning me on my birthday and telling me she was too busy to bother about my birthday. Cut - dead. She tried multiple times over six months to fix things, but I just didn't like her anymore. I would not have said that to her, if it had been me, and would have sent a belated card.

First post nails it, as usual. Absolutely outrageous thing for her to say.

I think you'd be entirely justified in ghosting her. She's not only nasty, she's stupid and insensitive. What kind of person uses such a word in this day and age anyway?

@ProfessionalWhimsicalSkidaddler I found that out just recently! I grew up over there. It was used casually, like eejit or muppet or numbskull.

I said it last month in front of my young adult children (context - why did they make a sequel to Happy Gilmore, which was already a stupid crap movie? Because some people are retards who will watch anything.)

They had an absolute fit and explained it was used as a hateful slur against people with learning disabilities.

I was shocked. I had no idea people even used it here, it was just an Americanism, I thought. I apologised, obviously, and know better now. I won't use it again.

(I'm keeping numbskull, that's apparently acceptable)

You have two choices. Zero tolerance, one strike only, cut her off. Or if you value the friendship, allow for the possibility this may be a road to Damascus moment now she has realised the impact of her views, and she may be genuinely sorry and review her opinions and behaviour. Either position is valid and entirely up to you.

Of course the words she used reflect her as a person. How can they not?

I wouldn't want her as a friend either.