Aibu to not bother brushing her teeth then? She’s causing so much stress and anxiety and I’ve had enough!

[memyselfandI2025]

So my 4 year old REFUSES to brush her teeth. Point blank refuses. I try changing tooth pastes to child friendly flavours I’ve tried buying tooth brushes that are bright I’ve tried bribing her, she won’t do it. I tried telling her she will lose privileges if she doesn’t do it, nothin works. I have to try brush Quick when she’s distracted but it’s not enough! Explained to the dentist at her last check up and he just said I need to bribe her. Bed time is a massive battle of screaming and crying because she won’t brush her teeth

There is some really good mum advice on here but umm honestly this is what worked for my 3 year old…

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=oStaJTHgHMU&cbrd=1&ucbcb=1&cbrd=1

🤞

If there is ND here, as some have speculated, forcing may just cause issues further down the line. Trying to find the reason and work around it would be better.

DS started refusing to clean his teeth after years of it being non negotiable from his point of view as well as ours. A 'u' shaped brush, later an electric 'u' shaped brush helped a lot.

Forcing him never did anything useful, in fact it caused actual harm. We physically forced him to school and to have baths. He ended up not going to school for a year, and refused to bathe or shower unless he was going swimming for four or five years.

OP my son is autistic and refused teeth brushing when small. His doctor told me to brush as best as I can but then put his toothbrush in the bath or shower with him to play with. He used to pick it up and mimic teeth brushing himself whilst playing and soon got used to the brush x

Have you tried different flavours of toothpaste? My autistic 7 year old is an absolute nightmare..I went through loads of different toothpastes until finding one he likes (Jordan junior off Amazon) I even tried unflavoured. I also use an electric toothbrush. Have you asked why she doesn't like it? My son also didn't like me breathing in his face while doing it

Argh! This used to be hell. We went through a phase of forcibly cleaning his teeth - I found this traumatic, and I guess he did too. It did get better, but in hindsight, I wish I'd cleaned his teeth when he was asleep during the worst periods. However, he was such a poor sleeper that I would probably have been frightened to wake him.
Anyway, just wanted to agree with the PPs suggesting you look into Autism/Sensory Processing Disorder, since my child was diagnosed with both years after we had the toothbrushing battles. I would also try to identify exactly what it is about the process that bothers her, and take away as many of the barriers as possible. Our child hated the flavour and sensation of minty toothpaste until very recently, so we tried various ones until we found one he liked. Our main issues were before he could really describe what he did not like, but in hindsight, I think he did not like us putting an object in his mouth. He refused spoon feeding at 8 months, so I had to quickly drop the purees and try to make finger food that he would not choke on - quite a challenge! So flavours, textures, smells, lights, sounds - all of these could be causing issues and making toothbrushing difficult for her. I would have approached things differentky with my child had I known about these sensory differences at the time, but we got there in the end. Now I just have to keep reminding him to actually do it - forgets/gets distracted without prompting. Also, we did brush after him until he was about 9 - my dentist did this with his non-ND kids until 12! His dental hygiene is not fabulous now, but it's not terrible and he has not had any cavities so far, so fingers crossed!
The link below might be helpful - would probably help a reluctant brusher, whether autistic or not:

https://marybarbera.com/toothbrushing-without-tantrums-autism/

Good luck!

This …
I’ve had to pin one of my kids and they now have lovely teeth
it’s two mins of crying for a life time of good dental health

Please, please make them clean their teeth.
I was a child who wouldn't brush her teeth, mainly because when I was small - many years back - it was all peppermint flavour which I loathe.
By the time I was 16 my two upper front teeth were so bad I never wanted to smile. I was scared stiff of dentists, having had some horrid experiences previously. But eventually I forced myself to go, and had to have metal posts in my jaw for the implants to fix to - there was nothing left of the teeth. It was nasty, but not too painful.
Anyway, I learnt my lesson, and have done my best to look after my teeth since. Still hate peppermint, but other toothpaste flavours I have tried are just as bad IMHO .

No you can't give up. It will be truly horrendous if she has to have teeth out under general anaesthetic, you know this, you're the adult, she doesn't, and TBH I would never use this as a scare tactic on a 4yo, they are too little and it's too far away and too scary - it won't help. (Plus they might legitimately need dental work in the future and telling them it's terrifying and painful won't help!) But you as the adult can keep that image in mind if it helps motivate you.

What you could do is drop it, completely, for a couple of weeks in order to sort of "reset" all the stress around it, since it's likely both you and she are on high alert the minute you get anywhere near the bathroom close to bedtime, which won't be helping. Then start very slowly and gently with one suggestion at a time to build up the habit and her trust again.

I remember showing my daughter pictures of people with bad rotten teeth. She soon relented and brushed.

I really hope you are just one of those ignorant people who don't understand disability so like to act like a child can be made to do anything. I think it's likely as I'm still not seeing how you can hold a head and nose of large 5 year old and brush their teeth at the same time.
If by some miracle this is true your child needs removing from your care. Who in their right mind sits on a 5 year olds chest, cuts the air supply from their nose and forces something in their mouth. Not only is it traumatic, it's really dangerous.

I resorted to headlocks on occasion. Not proud of that but I have terrible teeth because my parents never made a fuss about teeth cleaning, and I’m damned if one of my kids would be neglected in the same way.

Have you seen the u-shaped electric brushes on social media? This sort of thing might be worth a try; https://getkidzly.uk/p/u-shaped-electric-toothbrush-for-kids/?attribute_pa_color=aquamarine&attribute_pa_age=2-6-years&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=22113888417&gbraid=0AAAAAqQGvY-y04voOJw-jWYjSbgcDeHQ5&gclid=CjwKCAjwx-zHBhBhEiwA7Kjq6wxKbn6w_0TPwNF2OOvOzbCXdw-tuzGinC-cM3Ib-pIWHtdTYK7HMBoCopkQAvD_BwE

We had a bad phase and had to pin DS down, probably not done that since he was 2.5. DD similar. Always calmly, with warning and in a way a dentist showed to do. Somethings are non negotiatable and the sooner they learn that the less issues there will be.

We've had a bit of them not wanting to at times but there's a woman on tiktok whose got some awful dental issues related to a long term health issue- they look awful.
She's made a video for kids saying her teeth are bad because she refused to brush them when she was small and showing her teeth. I've showed my kids her video and they now are very keen to brush their teeth. If you can find it, it's very convincing.

My daughter went through this, she was about 4 at the time too, I had to hold her down to brush her teeth.

in the end I think we were just fighting eachother for power. We sat down one evening after all the tears and I just asked her what she doesn’t like, she said she hates it, no specific reason given. I explained gently that without oral hygiene her teeth will go yucky/rotten, that there are millions of little germs all
over her teeth that are eating her teeth after she eats and drinks, that’s why we need to brush our teeth every morning and night to get the germs off and stop our teeth going bad, and that I didn’t want her to be in pain and have sore teeth if she doesn’t brush.

this helped a lot, along with being more.. suggesting than demanding? I think they like to feel like they’re not under our control. So when it was time to brush her teeth in the evening she was often given choices: “what do you think you’d like to do first. Put on your pjs, brush your teeth or put the books away” when toothbrushing was left it turned to “do you remeber how much toothpaste we should use? About the size of a small pea.. if you grab the toothpaste and your brush do you recon you know how much toothpaste to put on if you do it yourself like a big girl?”

eventually getting that into brushing and then having her let me ‘check how shiny they are and that she hasn’t left any germs behind’ she’s nearly 6 now and brushes her teeth day and night without being asked.

This does sound like sensory issues. Things that helped my autistic DC at the same age (and continue to help!)

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Dr-Barmans-Superbrush-Compact-Toothbrush/dp/B0D62ZDW98/ref=sr_1_6?crid=2SDFWLL9E38MR&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.9AVs-NeYea0I9uRMqtY17zvyXiY46zwwVpqGFlbz0tMmmSxXytAQ1YErbUFweawKzXVyTYcGxXV-XjSLCO_k7Q6M9C7x8jiuZFC0kTyBtDj5N4tLT-M7m1Ue_ylCh9WDaYkggjPpNsbsVf5c3VTgWN9Wbre6I7omn2RSZflCMQoH6e2XwD1OewCNzCOxxUBEy7IdQU-BJhfEYwg6WSVabmj15AglQqUy0i4rOR18TNmx5zl64J95cPqxaeP-JJcw-OVUjiTLL7mJlTJSo7OKDhhz1nZIAeJykUmBoNrvzUk.uB_6LXN1IYXy_L8-aewQ5nZzm3YUOTx_4aTreQimwDY&dib_tag=se&keywords=dr+barmans+toothbrush+child+6-12&qid=1761343154&sprefix=dr+toothbrush%2Caps%2C128&sr=8-6 Dr Barman's three-sided toothbrush - you still have to brush but it can cover all three sides and so the theory is that you don't have to brush for quite as long. Is it perfect, no, is it better than a three hour screaming meltdown and no brushing, yes.

Oranurse toothpaste - completely taste-free. Again while not entirely perfect it was helpful.

Dry flannel to hold under her chin while you brush and then she can immediately wipe any wetness off her face immediately after.

Brushing together worked for a little while for us but not for long.

Lots of sympathy has been a big help - acknowledging that she's not being "silly" or "dramatic" or "difficult" and she really really does find this unbelievably difficult. A 4yo might be a bit young but we had an improvement when DC's best friend was diagnosed with dyslexia and we could say "Just like "Elsie" found it harder than other children to learn to read, you find it harder than other children to brush your teeth - but Elsie still needs to learn to read and you still need to brush your teeth."

There are also lots of character videos and songs for tooth brushing on YouTube

Mine seems to have genuine problems with normal toothpaste (she even gags and coughs if I brush my teeth next to her, and she's not doing it for effect) so I now buy completely unflavoured toothpaste at great flipping expense. She now tolerates it, after also having months of doing everything PPs said. Having a bedtime routine and going away downstairs if she refused teeth (and following through) had to be done, and there were tears, but I persevered and now we're ok.m

I sometimes pin down my ds to brush if he won’t do it. It’s non negotiable! He’s 3. Mostly he’s ok to do it and let me have a go but occasionally kicks up a fuss. Don’t give in because she’ll know there’s fight to be had to get her way! Better to be very very firm today for an easier time for you tomorrow!

Fyi- I've never and would never sit on my kids to pin them. Dentist we saw advised sitting on the floor, lying them in front of you with their head in the middle of your legs and then each of your legs over an arm and leg. Then you use one hand to pull lower jaw open and other hand to brush.

Never hurt anyone or restricted breathing and very good view of teeth.

Fyi- I've never and would never sit on my kids to pin them. Dentist we saw advised sitting on the floor, lying them in front of you with their head in the middle of your legs and then each of your legs over an arm and leg. Then you use one hand to pull lower jaw open and other hand to brush.

Never hurt anyone or restricted breathing and very good view of teeth.

Could she potentially have a very sensitive gag reflex? We had to force DS and suddenly one day at the dentist it dawned on me what the problem could be. I gag very easily and really struggle to keep my mouth open at the dentist to the point they seem to really hate me. When brushing I have to spit very frequently.

I went home and did DS’ teeth again but this time every two seconds took the brush out again to let him swallow (this was baby toothpaste but later changed to let him spit). From that moment onwards he was absolutely fine and built up stamina but can still only tolerate the brush in his mouth for a few seconds. It’s no issue though - as long as he can do that he’s happy for us to keep going back in.

We tried all the hey duggee and videos and fun toothbrushes and felt awful after I realised what the issue had been especially since I struggle with the same thing but hadn’t even considered it for some reason.

Could you ask her if it’s that? If so she could build up gradually and be allowed to be in control and also try smaller brushes etc.

For those that are against the “ pin down “ method
I didn’t sit on my DC chest , I held their arms against their sides and used the other hand to brush their teeth
Yes it’s like a body lock
No it wasn’t forever
Did it work , yes , it was calm , no shouting , they opened their mouth , I brushed their teeth , they cried but I’d rather they cried and had good dental health than this never happened and they had rotten extractions
Also , all good now , perfectly rounded children 🤨

Oh what are they called and where from please?

We had this.

At night we let our 3.5 yr old watch a short YouTube cartoon while we brush her teeth (she gets no tv mon-fri with us) and we brush 2 x per day.

Doing it more frequently made it easier.

We let her "choose" and We religiously follow through of she choses not too.
If she chooses not to brush we neutrally say okay but no sweet things today.
Thats it. She whines...we ignore and carry on with routine or distract. The most I'll say is "you can change your choice if you want"

We take the toothbrush and paste out with us.
She gets different snacks and if she decides she wants a pastry she is reorffered opp to brush. She can choose what to do.

Evening we just show the cartoon while brushing

Now she brushes 2x per day no bother/ with mild irritation but resignation

Wrap firmly in a towel, sit her on your lap, tip her back and brush her teeth.