Aibu to not bother brushing her teeth then? She’s causing so much stress and anxiety and I’ve had enough!

[memyselfandI2025]

So my 4 year old REFUSES to brush her teeth. Point blank refuses. I try changing tooth pastes to child friendly flavours I’ve tried buying tooth brushes that are bright I’ve tried bribing her, she won’t do it. I tried telling her she will lose privileges if she doesn’t do it, nothin works. I have to try brush Quick when she’s distracted but it’s not enough! Explained to the dentist at her last check up and he just said I need to bribe her. Bed time is a massive battle of screaming and crying because she won’t brush her teeth

Dentist advice - in this situation the most important thing is to keep sugar in diet as low as possible.Sugar is a much higher risk factor for tooth decay than not brushing teeth. So while they are in the past ( yes it will pass ) keep sugar as low as humanly possible

Put the focus on brushing your teeth together, rather than making it seem like a chore for your dd. Get an electric toothbrush and brush together. There are lots of fun and interactive toothbrushes for kids out there on the market.

Not likely at age 4, though. They're not as body aware.

You wrap them up in a towel after the bath so their arms are pinned and cuddle and brush at the same time.

I can't believe that you are genuinely "stressed and anxious" about this, there are so many aspects of parenting where you have to do something that the kid doesn't fancy. Surely you just get on with it.

It's so tricky, OP. I had to jump through a lot of hoops with DD1 in particular (she's 20 now, at uni and has perfect teeth!)

When she was little I had to enlist the cat to help out of desperation. A very patient cat who loves attention and handling, fortunately. Mummy couldn't brush her teeth but the cat was allowed to. Much cat/toothbrush/toddler juggling ensued, and occasionally getting the toothbrush in her mouth. It would have been easier to try to brush the cat's teeth.

When she was 4, we had moved onto roleplay, and I had to pretend to be the dentist. We would act out a whole dentist visit in the bathroom, but at least her teeth would get a really good clean this way.

As DD2 came into the picture, this was a bit of helpful competition as DD2 didn't mind her teeth being brushed at all. So there were stickers and reward charts and extra pocket money for doing things well that they needed to improve.

Some kids are a lot more sensitive than others. DD1 was so particular about clothing and hated loud noises, so it's possible that for her cleaning her teeth was more uncomfortable.

Hi OP.
I know this is so difficult. My son has sensory needs and oral care was so difficult. I am also an occupational therapist so have worked with many parents who have children that find teeth brushing difficult.

Could she have sensory needs? If she does there is lots of strategies that may help. Google oral propioception input exercises for do before teeth brushing.

There are many adapted toothbrush options out there. But if you can only brush her teeth for a small amount of time then these three sided toothbrushes mean you get more surface area with less time...

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Dr-Barmans-Superbrush-Regular-Adult-Toothbrush/dp/B002841THY/ref=asc_df_B002841THY?mcid=e11e4329f89f36cd969ac258ee4d0d16&hvocijid=6749610906620654481-B002841THY-&hvexpln=74&tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=696285193871&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=6749610906620654481&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9211106&hvtargid=pla-2281435177138&psc=1&gad_source=1

I showed my children pictures of children’s teeth that were seriously decayed and told them about the horrific pain, horrid dental treatment and bad breath they’d get if they didn’t brush at least twice a day.

That did the trick.

What really helped with my toothbrushing refuser was turning it into a game and - crucially - brushing our teeth together. We would play music she likes to mark the time.

She hated having it done to her, but she was ok if it was something we both did together.

She would even let me brush her teeth if I let her brush mine at the same time, which was a bit hair raising at times as she wasn't able to be as gentle as I would have liked so we didn't do that, that often! But this, together with making it a game, helped us get from no teeth brushing to regular tooth brushing.

My kids both refuse toothbrushing. I realised I need a new tactic every week to get them to do it. Sometimes it's a song we sing, sometimes it means putting on a toothbrushing video on YouTube while they brush to it. Last night I told them that I would tell them about our weekend plans but my voice is powered by them toothbrushing and if they stop brushing my voice stops working. They brushed excitedly because of the novelty but I always have to change up the tactic unfortunately. Most of this week I told my son he was the dentist and sat myself and his sister Infront of him to take a toothbrushing lesson and that worked really well but I am running out of ideas too.
There is a dentist on Instagram who did a video on how to pin your child down for toothbrushing years ago so I have shamefully copied that a fair few times. You lie them down and you sit above their head and you put your legs over their arms. When the child tells you they didn't like it you just have to say it's either that or you can brush them well yourself. It feels awful but the dentist says it's worth it

I used this song on iPad (it used to be an app .. not sure if it still is but I googled and found it on YouTube).
My boys loved it and looked forward to brushing their teeth. They're not 16 and 18 and still talk fondly about the Nurdle Durdle song.

Similar to the OP that mentioned making a game of it, seeing food in the teeth. One of mine absolutely refused tooth brushing so we devised a game. Ours involved bugs that loved to attack teeth and make them go bad. The toothbrush was the superhero trying to stop them. We’d say along the lines of “ooh look there’s a bug in a skateboard up there” and catch him with the brush. Then “oh no look there’s another one in a speedboat” and so on. Worked every time. Eventually he’d ask to catch the baddie.

That's exactly how I did it. Got bitten a few times holding his mouth open but it worked. Had to do it for a year or so and then I was able to brush his teeth normally so long as I sang the whole time (invented a special song just for teeth brushing). No trauma, he's perfectly happy with teeth brushing now at 7.

Not RTFT so might have already suggested it but the Hey Duggee toothbrushing song on YouTube changed our lives! It’s timed to 2 mins, we used to whack it on our phones every toothbrushing session and DC brushed along, no complaints. Everything else had been futile.
Good luck!

I work in a maxfac team at a hospital. 75% of their work is removing children’s teeth under general anaesthetic because the parents don’t brush their teeth.

No sorry, it’s just one of the horrible things you have to do as a parent. I went through a phase of having to brush DS’s teeth by force, around 2/3 - it was awful for both of us. But your child will need teeth in life, so it’s something you just have to do and eventually they will be get used to it.
My ds is 6 and I still do his 75% of the time, I’m starting to very gradually phase in him doing it but you need to know it’s being done properly before you can let them take over.

Mine have both gone through stages of it, and with both of them being very clear (and following through) that children who don’t brush their teeth twice a day every day can’t eat sweet things was really effective within a couple of days.

Tell the teacher at school “Just to let you know Sophie can’t have pudding today because she’s not brushing her teeth.” Go to Costa and get her tap water. Buy a box of nice chocolates for home and offer them to everyone else. Keep toothbrush and toothpaste in your handbag so she can eg change her mind in Costa, brush her teeth, and then have a hot chocolate.

I think 4 is too old for pinning down, although I would have done this when mine were toddlers.

I was going to say a similar thing. My friend grew up in very rural Nigeria, they had a zero sugar diet, just basic country food, it was super super rural. They never brushed their teeth and picked bits out with twigs.
Her teeth are beautiful.

She brushes them now, obviously, because she loves cakes.

Definitely stop all sugar until it resolves, it might be a motivator to brush her teeth too.

Look up PDA and see if you can get so some tips

My little boy is on the pathway for assessment and has a lot of sensory issues. I refuse to hold him down because it's just making it worse imo. If I can only manage 20 seconds then I can live with that.

There are some things that are negotiable, teeth brushing is not one of them. It doesn't matter how hard it is, it must be done.

Fun battery tooth brush, colour disclosing tablets. Make it fun but dont give up

Another vote for Oranurse toothpaste - it's unflavoured and doesn't foam. It was the only thing that worked for one of my children when we were in the same situation 15 years ago! I tried everything. Back then, there was a community dental nurse who visited baby groups etc and she gave me a free sample of Oranurse. Medical and dental people can get free samples here: https://oranurse.co.uk/samples/

Rather than video distraction, I used to ask maths problems and taught him British Sign Language numbers to tell me the answers. Had to do it this way until he was about 11. Good luck, it is so hard.

I don't get it. I'm an autism parent and I know fine well what it would be like if my autistic kid got toothache. Getting dental treatment as an autistic person can leave a long lasting fear of dentists, the risk is probably increased. Wtf would anyone want to put themselves through that because they don't want to 'tramatise' them with a couple of minutes of teeth brushing?! Ridiculous.

Mines 18 and I still make sure he brushes his teeth. It's none negotiable.

I can see some people suggested these, but worth a shot

Electric toothbrush, might be more exciting than a manual, plus even if its a shortened time, at least it'll be a better clean than a manual.

Disclosing tavkets, mine akso randomly enjoyed looking in the mirror and brushing the pink of theur teeth.

Maybe try the Hey Duggee tooth brushing song, mine also listened to that when they were younger, 2 mins long

My dd has always hated brushing her teeth and still does at 11. We tried most of the things suggested here - we did have to keep changing it up as there is no ‘one thing’ that works. She gradually improved with time. Getting some kind of cleaning done better than nothing so don’t give up entirely.