Aibu to not bother brushing her teeth then? She’s causing so much stress and anxiety and I’ve had enough!

[memyselfandI2025]

So my 4 year old REFUSES to brush her teeth. Point blank refuses. I try changing tooth pastes to child friendly flavours I’ve tried buying tooth brushes that are bright I’ve tried bribing her, she won’t do it. I tried telling her she will lose privileges if she doesn’t do it, nothin works. I have to try brush Quick when she’s distracted but it’s not enough! Explained to the dentist at her last check up and he just said I need to bribe her. Bed time is a massive battle of screaming and crying because she won’t brush her teeth

I wonder if there’s something sensory going on. Have you noticed any other sensory-related difficulties?

I understand your worries but forcing is going to traumatise and possibly compound the problem.

Lots of good suggestions already, we had some real struggles and resorted to YouTube toothbrushing videos (hey duggee toothbrush song etc), also 3-headed toothbrushes (easy to find online) for a while which gave a bit of reassurance that we were at least making contact with all the tooth surfaces

The one thing I have noticed is she will only eat certain foods, there is only around 4 meals she will eat. She is constantly changing her pjs or clothes if she get the tiniest drop of water on it.

It's hard & lots of wee ones are relucant toothbrushers like this.
You could look at doing some toothbrushing activities. https://www.facebook.com/share/r/1FmBthcuiN/
Then progress onto using disclosing tablets- my own 3 all loved these & electric toothbrushes def helped - lots of cool character ones available, frozen, Marvel etc.

Edited to add - our dentist just said to basically back off instead of forcing issue when going through this stage & focus instead on getting the fluoride toothpaste onto their teeth without rinsing as basic. I think to just avoid them seeing it as traumatic?? . In our case it was short term, im sure others will advise if longer term

Look uo tooth brushing autism PDA. Even if she isn’t autistic it will be useful. Sounds like she might be though

You just have to restrain her with one arm and possibly legs too and brush them for her.

It's such a rubbish phase when they won't brush at all and none of the tricks work. My DD got better around 7/8. She's a teen with autism and happily flosses these days. Teeth are all good.

I have been known to shock my kids with pictures of bad rotten teeth and gums online.
Basically said this is what will happen to your teeth if you dont brush them.
Something that worked with my tooth brush refuser was to show the pictures. Put the toothpaste on the brush and then walk away and say, its entirely up to you. Mouldy, painful teeth falling out of your head. Or you brush them.

Have you looked into an autism diagnosis? From this small insight it seems like she is ticking some boxes.
Getting a ND diagnosis (the earlier the better) can be MASSIVELY helpful in understanding what you’re dealing with and getting the right support. Especially with figuring out what behaviours this is causing and why, that she is not just being naughty or being defiant, and proper diagnosis can help with finding coping strategies/mechanisms to make it less stressful for both of you.
Sending hugs xxxxx

Yes @memyselfandI2025 that all sounds like sensory issues. Have a watch for suggestions on how to brush teeth with sensory issues.

Get her involved and brush when she is asleep are two I can think of but there will be more it is extremely common in autistic kids so there is help out there.

A gentle dental hygienist helped too. I briefed her that DD would not brush and to go easy on her. DD always likes the dentist so she was ok with having a quick clean up at the hygienist. It helped inspire her to start brushing to keep the clean feeling. £90 twice a year well spent.

I wonder if exploring some techniques for reducing the possible sensory overwhelm is worth trying.
I’ll see if I can find you some

Stupid response. You'd need 3 people to pin my child, keep the head straight, open the mouth and brush the teeth and even then I don't think getting them to separate their teeth would be possible. There would be a risk of injury and choking forcing an object into a child's mouth when they are fighting against it.

I have my dc lie on the floor, on the bath mat in the bathroom and I sit behind so i have my legs over their arms and I can look straight down into mouth. Brushing (and flossing at night) are not options. Never have been. Sometimes they fight. There have been tears. But, I've been doing it since first tooth, so they know it's going to get done. Kids don't get choices over things like this. They can't. The consequences are significant.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=fPp5-6Z3gfM

Like a PP, I play 2 minutes of cartoons (usually Hey Duggee) on my phone. However, tooth brushing is completely non-negotiable in our house in the same way that taking medicine is. I can and have held the DC down and held noses if necessary. They let me do it nicely with a cartoon or they have it done in the less nice way. Keeping them safe and healthy (as much as possible) is my job.

@JLou08 you sit on their chest with your legs pinning their arms and your knees holding their head, then you hold their nose. It's not pleasant, but it's manageable even with my very large 5 year old.

Tell her they will go black and the dentist will have to pull them out. And that the tooth fairy doesn't pay out for black teeth.

Found this: https://www.nhsborders.scot.nhs.uk/media/971598/Meeting-your-childs-sensory-needs-Toothbrushing.pdf
Might be helpful. Good luck OP. Don’t let people tell you to force her - you will find a way that meets her needs and gets the job done without stressing you both out and teaching her that her feelings don’t matter.

You should read this back to yourself. Sounds horrific. Do you really do this? Wow.

Try sitting down together looking at photos of rotting teeth, find someone discussing the pain of broken teeth and bleeding gums, discuss how much money it costs to fix bad teeth.
bribery-agree to buy their first car. This is how much money they I’ll save over a lifetime if they brush their teeth. I am 39 and wasn’t made to as a child, I’d say I did it 50% of the time. So far I have had to spend over £5000 on my teeth.

Is this a sensory issue? Have you tried a smaller, softer or harder toothbrush?

I was just like this as a child.

Both my (separated) parents did everything they could to try and get me to brush my teeth, even bribery with my own electric toothbrush. Nothing worked. I grew out of it around age 9 and just started brushing. Yes I’m very likely ND.

We had a very low sugar diet naturally and I’m lucky it only resulted in a couple of small fillings.

I am NOT advocating no brushing, but staying relaxed around it (not adding extra anxiety) may help. Can you distract from the sensations by having someone read a favourite story, play a cartoon, play a favourite song … anything to increase relaxation?

Have you tried Oranurse unflavoured toothpaste? It works for our sensory sensitive kids

It needs doing.
Keep your stress hidden and keep trying to make it fun. One of my DC would roar like a lion as loudly as she could while I brushed her teeth.. it was loud but was the only thing we found that worked after trying all sorts. I'd keep saying things like "can you be a baby lion?" "Now a scary lion" "how long can you roar?" To get her mouth open longer and pretend to be scared etc. Prior to finding that game every time was screaming tantrums where I quickly got it done between her holding her mouth clamped shut.

I had a mickey mouse app for my son , it’s revealed the picture on my phone as he brushed

Hold her down and brush her teeth. You have to be cruel to be kind. You’re doing her an unkindness in the long run if you give into her over this. She simply has to have her teeth brushed. That’s it.

I used to pin my eldest down when he was younger to get it done. It was horrific, think I even posted about it under a different name. I tried all the tricks but it was just a horrible phase we had to get through, he’s 6 now and zero issues, often smugly shows off to his younger sibling how good he is. Doesn’t seem traumatised by it!