Aibu to not bother brushing her teeth then? She’s causing so much stress and anxiety and I’ve had enough!

[memyselfandI2025]

So my 4 year old REFUSES to brush her teeth. Point blank refuses. I try changing tooth pastes to child friendly flavours I’ve tried buying tooth brushes that are bright I’ve tried bribing her, she won’t do it. I tried telling her she will lose privileges if she doesn’t do it, nothin works. I have to try brush Quick when she’s distracted but it’s not enough! Explained to the dentist at her last check up and he just said I need to bribe her. Bed time is a massive battle of screaming and crying because she won’t brush her teeth

Have you tried a couple of hours before bedtime, just a random time in the day? Might be she doesn’t like it as part of her bedtime routine.

Will she do it herself? Then you finish off.
Teeth cleaning is really non negotiable

Your dentist is right, she has to clean her teeth.

Electric toothbrush? Much faster and efficient.

No, you can’t just stop brushing her teeth because it’s a battle. Brushing her teeth is a basic need, you can’t just neglect that because you haven’t found a tactic that works.

Play dentist, pretend you can see the food she’s just eaten at dinner in her mout and make it a fun game, (Ooh look I can see that spaghetti bolognaise you’ve just eaten! Wait, is that the banana you had for pudding too?) get her to
Brush your teeth as well, get her to brush a dolly’s teeth, make up a special tooth brushing song, give her the choice of toothbrush/toothpaste she wants to use that day (do you want to use the pink toothbrush or the green one today?) explain to her that if she wants to eat ice cream/drink squash or whatever ‘treat’ things she gets that she needs to keep her teeth clean…

I know it feels like a huge struggle when they’re being so defiant but really, you can’t just give up on a basic need because you’ve not found the way that works for her yet. If she didn’t like her bottom wiped after doing a poo would you just let it go and give up?

I don't see how you can just stop brushing her teeth.
You are setting her up for a life time of problems with her dental health if you do.

Do you usually just give in if she doesn't want to do something?

Cartoons on my phone. I'm not proud but both my children at times, aged 2-4, were wildly oppositional and this got us through those periods. Also used for combing my DD's long thick curly hair.

I know I’m not literally going to stop brushing her teeth but she’s very hard work, very stubborn and I am constantly dreading teeth brushing. I talk to her in a calm voice aswell so I don’t understand why she is refusing

You pin them if they won't. It's non negotiable to brush teeth.

We used to have this and I was at my wits end. DS also flung his head about and most nights would crack his forehead on the edge of the sink. He's diagnosed with autism and dyspraxia now but we got through this tooth brushing angst with a song that we made up and had actions. DH and I would do the song/ dance and actions and make a great huge fanfare about it. Eventually DS joined in and it seemed to crack that barrier.

We had an egg-timer too - brush for 2 minutes- and made it a huge challenge to finish the song and brushing before the sand ran out

I'd look for passive demand avoidance strategies.

Oh I feel your pain. Its a real battle. We have just got these little chewy tablets that dye your teeth to show up the plaque then you brush it off. My 8 year old loves pretending he is a dead zombie vomiting out blue blood. That's how I get him to brush his teeth. Worth a shot 🤷🏼‍♀️

If you stop brushing, you’ll make it worse.

My 4yo has decided he doesn’t want to brush anymore. I

have to hold his arms down and make him laugh and open his mouth. Or let him hold a phone or whatever.

Dental hygiene is non-negotiable. You don’t want children to think they can just not brush, especially when they get adult teeth. Those are going to have to last the better part of a century, dental issues are embarrassing and expensive.

We have a u shaped electronic toothbrush

My dd 7 was a nightmare until she got this

I feel your pain

It can be hell

Keep going !!!! Lots of great tips
I don't agree with holding them down it is so traumatic

4 year old doesn’t get to decide. If he doesn’t open his mouth to brush his teeth then I’ll open it and brush them. You’re the parent.

Try disclosing tablets.
For some reason my niece absolutely LOVED them. She would brush her teeth if it meant she got to crunch a tablet that made her mouth blue 🤷‍♀️ That’s kids for ya …

As a follow on from my post I would also like to say please don’t pin your tiny child down and force them.

It's an important part of parenting to establish that some things are 'have to' not 'want to'

There is always going to be something where you have to impose your will.

I'd start with that - this is a 'have to' situation - 'you have to brush your teeth' - then give real choices - do you want to do it or do you want me to do it?

If she says 'I don't want to' repeat 'this is not a want to situation, this is a have to situation, now do you want me to do it or you?' If again 'I don't want to' or tantrum then 'this is your last chance to choose or I will brush your teeth 3,2,1'

then you wrap them in a towel and brush their teeth - have two toothbrushes available so when they inevitable bite on one to stop you, you leave them with that and carry on with the 2nd - in fact this can help and you can say 'you can use that one'

You have to win this. After you've done it you can have a calm conversation acknowledging that they seem to be finding toothbrushing hard and asking if there's anything that can be done to help - so if they say they don't like the taste, you can buy a different toothpaste.

Timers on your phone can be helpful to show it won't last forever for them.

We used to play a game where I had to brush to get rid of the monsters that were hiding in her mouth - ooh look, there's a green one hiding here, let me get him.... ping! Ooh, he's gone, geat, now I'm going to get this red one with the purple eyes, he's a cheeky one, he's hiding right at the back.... oooh, he keeps darting around, now he's over here.... yes! Got you!! Etc, etc, lots of sound effects. It worked well.

Failing that. I would just get really firm and say it's not negotiable, it's happening, and if there's any monkey business you'll be stopping anything with sugar in, as it's bad for your teeth and she won't brush them. So no chocolate, sweets, cakes, biscuits, ice cream, fruit etc. Mean it, and follow through, no matter how much she whinges or cries. It's her choice and once she's letting you brush without a silly fuss she can eat them again (subject to your usual restrictions) You'll feel bad, but not as bad as when she's screaming from toothache.

Those saying force is too traumatic.

What are you going to do if your child ends up in hospital and has to have treatment - inhalers, blood tests, horrible tasting medicine? - and we're talking about 'right now' not when you've convinced them

How about going on a journey - do you not insist on seatbelts or sitting down on aeroplanes?

There is always going to be something where there is NO choice for a small child - and I think it's foolish to teach them different.

Lots of great tips. Mine liked the monster one too that pp mentioned, I think we did animals in there.

I noticed you said telling her she’d lose privileges - but do you actually give the consequence? I think if you’ve tried a lot of the above to no avail, I’d be saying no sweet things at all unless teeth are brushed every morning and night. And stick to it. If she’s really not going to let you brush you’ll need to do this anyway!

Far more traumatic to have to get rotten teeth pulled out because parents didn't want to make them do something they didn't like.

Brushing teeth is non-negotiable. I used to ask both of my toddlers if they wanted their teeth brushed with a happy mouth or a crying mouth. After a few tantrums and crying-mouth brushings they switched to being ok.

I do my autistic dd's in the middle of the night when she is sleeping x

@memyselfandI2025 She's refusing because she's 4 and she does not understand what it feels like to have toothache. She does not understand the process of tooth decay.

She has no understanding of why you're brushing her teeth - she may dislike it from a sensory point of view or from a power point of view - trying to assert her own independence,

You do understand it, which is why she has to do what you say.