MIL implying husband resents co sleeping and we need “adult time”

[Kahan]

my baby (7 months) sleeps in a co sleeper crib next to my main bed. We have 2 yo in bed with us. I’ve had post partum with both pregnancies and found it much easier to manage when co sleeping. I do have to admit I have easy babies. So I’ve lucked out. But MIL commented that maybe it’s time we utilised the nursery so we could have some space back to be adults. Dh shut her down straight away and said it was up to me. But it’s really got me worried. Husband obviously admits he finds the babies being in with us not ideal but supports me as it’s easiest for me. We’ve tried separate bedrooms but husband prefers sleeping with us anyway. I’m just very paranoid now. Husband has said it would be nice to have our room back but the babies are only young once. I get so much better sleep as I am breastfeeding. The other day I was speaking to a couple of friends and they ended up being really judgmental about wives that prioritise their kids over their husbands and almost using that to explain cheating . I just nodded along but was horrified on the inside. Our sex life is rubbish. It used to be very good. I just have no energy. Co sleeping works. Well it allows me to sleep.

Should I take the advice of mil/froends?

I havent read the whole thread but hears what i think.

Maybe he spoke to his mother because he cant talk to you.
Sex life is rubbish because you have kids in your bed.
You need to make time for both you and your husband.

I can't think of many men who would,d be happy with this situation. He wants to be in his own bed with his own missus, not in between two children.
Being surgically attached to your children 24/7 isn't healthy for anyone.

Why should husband's needs trump wife's and baby's? Responses on threads like this infuriate me. But then again, I'm in Germany where cosleeping is normal here and the men don't complain, but also do it as well.

Oh the poor man, dealing with sleeping alone for a while 🙄 I'm sure he'll survive. Meanwhile, op is getting more sleep which she needs with a 7mo baby.

And who made you OP's boss? Thank god OP is a much more responsive mother to her children than some.

We cosleep but use the other bedroom for adult activities whilst children sleep 🤣

I haven’t read the full thread. But as regards the baby - has the official advice changed? It used to be that it’s advisable to have a baby in the same room as the parents for the first 12 months.

Look op, imo you are doing the right thing atm having the kids with you. Yes maybe in 6-12 months perhaps look to put them in their own rooms but i think youre going to have to do both of them together or the 2 year old will wonder why the baby gets to stay.

re husband potentially cheating, if hes going to do it he will. Hopefully he wont but if he does, get rid 🤷🏻‍♀️ babies come first. Hes got a hand, tell him to use it

My middle child had a bad start and we both worried about cot death. Any man who complained about me following the best advice at the time to minimise the risk would have been out on his ear! Fortunately I’m married to an adult who is able to defer his own desires to the benefit of others.

6 months. And same room. Not same bed.

The kids will eventually leave your bed.

Whether your husband is still there after is in question.

Up to you.

Talking to your DH is the only that matters here. It's almost comical how closed minded some of PPs are! Both my older DC (2.5yrs apart) were put in their own room at 6 months. DC1 was a hideous sleeper, DC2 was a breeze in comparison. We never did cosleeping, and both were BF until 12 months.
DC3 (much younger) has been a completely different kettle of fish. Was such an awful sleeper that we didnt manage to get him into his own room until 11months when I nightweaned him off the boob, as until then cosleeping was the only thing that kept me sane. I then ended up for a couple of months sleeping on a mattress in his room to settle mutiple night wakings. We then had a few short months where he would wake up and stand up crying in his cot until we cuddled him back to sleep. Believe me, I tried sleep training for months - it really doesnt work for all babies!

Neither DH nor I thought this was ideal but we both knew this is part of parenting and doesnt last long. DC3 was climbing over his (xtra tall) stairgate by 18 months to come into our bed every time he woke up. He's now 6 and goes to bed happily in his own room (has done for years) but still comes into our room almost every night around 1am when he wakes up. We put him back if he wakes us up, but he often ends up staying all night. If you'd told me I'd be cosleeping with a 6yr old before I had him I would have told you not to be so ridiculous - but you have to parent the child you've got, not the one you thought you were getting.
As it happens my sex drive came back much quicker after DC3 than it did after the first two, despite the cosleeping and having older kids so couldnt just get it on downstairs after little one went to bed! I was more rested than when I had 2 DC under 3 - that grind was far more exhausting and a downer on my sexlife as I was just permanently shattered. DH has been better at sharing the load with DC3 than with the first 2, that's been the biggest difference. There are plenty more opprtunities and locations to be intimate than in our bed at night (some of you really lack imagination!).
You are in the trenches now, this is the hardest bit, it will get easier and you'll find yourself reconnecting with your DH in time. If you've married a good man he will understand and not pressure you (he can always take care of hinself in the meantime), instead he will ask what he can do to help you feel more like you again (without the expectation of sex).
As for MIL it's none of her business!

What a horrible thing to say. If a man can’t handle a couple years (in 50 or so of marriage) of not sharing a bed maybe he wasn’t a great catch to begin with!

She needs to keep her nose. If your husband is not happy with the set up then he needs to say like a big boy

Personally l can barely tolerate my husband in the bedroom. 2 year old would be hard no. Baby of that age would be in their own room. But everyone is different

I call my 2 year old baby still, I don’t treat her like a ‘baby’ but she will always be the baby to me 🤣 I think people are just too ott reading between lines. In my experience I think it’s easier to take men at face value (I know that’s not the case for all and a bit of a generalisation), but if he’s saying he’d like to get his bed back for just use two eventually but he’s fine with it now because he knows they’re only young once and it’s working for you all and the babies sleep well then I’d bet he means it! His MIL is just inserting where it’s not needed imo. You do you and what’s best for your family. We all know nothing lasts forever and if you trust your husband you’ll be fine and before you know it it will be you two back in the bed again!

This .

Ultimately it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Strangers on an Internet forum can exclaim LTB, proclaim the man to be selfish for having a different view to his wife, but the couple need to sort this out amongst themselves and to do that requires openness, transparency and communication.

When people marry, they bring their own different backgrounds and values to the relationship including about raising children. One cannot be viewed as more important than the other. They need to reach an agreement acceptable to both parents.

It may be easier when the couple have a strong identity as a partnership over several years before being a parent subsumes everything. There is more confidence the relationship has a strong foundation that will still be there when the children are grown.

If one party suppresses their wishes and feelings the marriage may fail in the end. OP likely then won't be able to co-sleep with her children daily, their father likely won't co-sleep with them at all during his contact time. Not necessarily the best outcome for the children. We can't control other people's feelings, it doesn't matter how much people condemn her husband. People aren't necessarily selfish horrible individuals because they won't sacrifice themselves to suit the desires of others.

That's a bit of a reach from "it's not ideal our very small kids are in our bed but hey ho it's not forever" to now they are DIVORCED.

I actually completely disagree as I think in this case the sleep needs of the parent who is still physically sustaining one of the kids, and probably doing the majority of the night wakes, come first.

Who has said that he is acting like he is a monster? He seems entirely reasonable from what has OP has said, and he is not pushing her to stop co-sleeping at all.

The ridiculous overreaction is coming from all of the other people who are seemingly unable to wrap their heads around the idea that some couples might actually be fine with a co-sleeping arrangement.

Yes, you're right. I sometimes forget that people often choose to have kids within the context of a very shaky relationship. But quite honestly, a weak marriage is going to break eventually anyway. It isn't as if sleeping in the same bed without any wriggly kids is what keeps people together.

Gosh. I honestly feel sorry for anyone with this kind of mindset. You must have had some very bad experiences to feel like this. It makes me all the more grateful for my own DH.

You have to do what suits, as doing something for someone else may (probably will) cause resentment.

Not to sound bias though, but I felt like I never wanted DD2 out of our room but we moved house when she was 7m so it made sense to get rid of the next to me and so that was that, her in her own room. I have to concede that both her and I get waaaaay better sleep now as we aren’t disturbing eachother. I just go across & give her a feed overnight in the rocking chair!

I'm sorry that you don't know many men who are able to look beyond their own selfish needs for a limited period.

@Kahan i always held the view that little ones should go into their own rooms around 6-12 months. However, having seen how much better DD is with a full nights sleep, with her 2 year old in their room, my views have changed! DGD has her cot in her parents room (moved back after she was unwell and they spent most of the night up trying to settle her). She has 10 mins in bed with mum then goes into her cot and sleeps all night. It doesn’t matter what the views of Mumsnet and your MIL are - do what works best for you.

The 2 year old needs to sleep in their own bed, yes you might have to put in a bit of effort to help him get used to it but that’s life really.
Once your baby turns 1, I’d work towards getting them used to their own bed too.
I think you can meet the needs of your children without them being omnipresent in your marital bed.

Mine never fed during the night at 7 months. All slept quite happily 7pm to 7am (with a dream feed before I went to bed) in their own room.

Not silly at all. There’s just a different way of doing things now, and I think it’s worse.