MIL implying husband resents co sleeping and we need “adult time”

[Kahan]

my baby (7 months) sleeps in a co sleeper crib next to my main bed. We have 2 yo in bed with us. I’ve had post partum with both pregnancies and found it much easier to manage when co sleeping. I do have to admit I have easy babies. So I’ve lucked out. But MIL commented that maybe it’s time we utilised the nursery so we could have some space back to be adults. Dh shut her down straight away and said it was up to me. But it’s really got me worried. Husband obviously admits he finds the babies being in with us not ideal but supports me as it’s easiest for me. We’ve tried separate bedrooms but husband prefers sleeping with us anyway. I’m just very paranoid now. Husband has said it would be nice to have our room back but the babies are only young once. I get so much better sleep as I am breastfeeding. The other day I was speaking to a couple of friends and they ended up being really judgmental about wives that prioritise their kids over their husbands and almost using that to explain cheating . I just nodded along but was horrified on the inside. Our sex life is rubbish. It used to be very good. I just have no energy. Co sleeping works. Well it allows me to sleep.

Should I take the advice of mil/froends?

Is it selfish to want to cuddle his wife (and only his wife), chat, be intimate and have sex with her in their own bed?

sounds like the one who needs her own room is the MiL!

Get through this phase it won’t last. Get creative in the daytime get ever so concerned MiL to take kids to the park.

Prioritise your own sleep and mental health. Everyone is relying on you. Give yourself what you need.

btw your high prolactin is for sure changing your interest in all of this.

husband did a great job to step in and immediately shut down the convo.

You’ve got this.

It’s ironic that Mumsnet is just about the worst place in the world to seek advice on mothering - you’ll get a hundred replies that are not only unarguably right but are also very clear about why the other ninety-nine are completely wrong.

Who cares what MN thinks or MIL thinks - it’s you and your husband that count. I wouldn’t fancy 2 kids in the bed but it’s nothing to do with me!

I would ask how his mother knows about your sleeping arrangements? Is it something you’ve openly shared with her, or is it likely your dh has discussed with her, maybe indicating he isn’t totally happy with it, prompting her to comment?

We slept with ours till they were 3 or 4. Still married decades on. Keep communication open with your husband, and keep getting some sleep. PS still managing “intimacy”.

I never co-slept with my son, I was worried I'd create a problem of my son never wanting to sleep in his own room or bed and not being able to settle himself. It's personal choice, but there has to come a point, especially with the 2 year old, when you need to start making that transition. I know someone who's daughter is nearly 8 years old, and still shares a bed with her Mum, and Dad is relegated to the daughter's single bed, that she's never slept in!!! Yes, that might be an extreme situation, but it's a situation that's continued because they've not insisted their daughter try sleeping in her own room (she's not SEN either). My son only slept in our bed, when he was unwell.

Fellow co-sleeper here (by choice - my children are comforted by it and it’s always meant more sleep for me. It works for us). I can very much relate to what you wrote.

Having your babies near you, does make life a lot easier. Feeling rested is important. However, if you are starting to feel concern about your sex life - maybe you could both think outside of the box (or bed as it were)? Does sex have to be in the bed you sleep in? Or even in a bed at all? They do say ‘never sit on a co-sleepers sofa’ 😂

I would ignore MIL and just do whatever works for you and your partner. You can co-sleep with your babies (they won’t be little forever) AND have time with your partner. Ignore the noise and follow your gut x

No bad experiences at all. Happily raising kids.

It follows that the children will leave the bed. Whether by 2, 10 or 18.

If her husband is displaced and there is no viable alternative for rest and sleep he may not put up with that for 18 years.

It’s not rocket science.

If my husband insisted on co-sleeping with our children when 2/3/10/18 to the detriment of my sleep it would cause marriage issues for us.

Fair enough. If I had had so little trust that my DH would stick around for the duration, and thought that he might leave me for something as trivial as where everyone sleeps, I wouldn't have had kids with him in the first place.

Likewise if I had felt that he was so selfish and inflexible that he wasn't prepared to put the needs of our child before his own personal preferences.

There was never any question of there being no viable alternative - like the OP, we had a spare room that could be used if needed. And I've never heard of any child continuing to co-sleep until the age of 18.

I'm sorry that some people are having children in such fragile relationships - it must be very unsettling for everyone.

It isn't selfish to want anything, but yes, I think it would be quite selfish for him to push for his own personal preferences when he knows that co-sleeping for the time being is better for his wife's mental health. There is nothing at all to stop them from chatting, being intimate or having sex elsewhere. Why the obsessive focus on "their own bed"?

Decent men are prepared to accept that life changes a bit after having children, and they're willing to make adjustments. I'm amazed and slightly disheartened by the number of posters who seem to think that men should have certain inalienable rights to their wives' bodies that entitle them to enjoy their preferred sleeping arrangements no matter what.

Compromise over babies well-being?

As long as it's the women and the children who are doing the compromising, that's all that matters. Heaven forbid that a man should have to make any adjustments to his life.

Christ, there are some real man haters on this thread. Fathers and husbands are a super important part of the family set up - they aren’t just sperm donors who can be wheeled out whenever the next bill needs paying. If we can’t encourage them to talk in a functional way about their relationships, we are never going to get away from toxic masculinity. If he’s not happy with the set up it needs sorting - he’s clearly sucked it up for years already.

And I hope none of you have sons. Son talks with mum about relationships- shocker. No one would bat an eyelid at a daughter talking with her mum. I assume you’re just raising sons until they are married off and some other woman can deal with them?

And for all of those people saying, oh cosleeping is natural - the OP would probably be pregnant again if we’re going by natural processes…

No - we’ll just wheel the man out next time we want a baby or some heavy lifting, and then complain about shit dads who check out from family life.

I have two. Both slept with us. Married 38 years. The boys are close to both of us. Neither have felt the need to air their problems with their sex lives with us as they both love and respect their partners. They mirror what they were shown by their dad and me.

Is this projection?

Yes it can be. Sometimes in life other things take priority over one’s own physical needs.

I’m not commenting on the OP’s situation but there are many women who in the first year at least after birth are all ‘touched out’ by their infant and need sleep and ten minutes peace more than anything else.

Not every woman has an easy birth and walks away unscathed physically and mentally with an infant who sleeps and eats well …,A man who isn’t able to prioritise other’s needs over his own isn’t worth having.

Have you not read the thread?

This .

I have - you obviously haven't.

It sounds like you and your husband have worked out you getting your sleep is the current priority & he wants to spend the night time with you. All good, both on the same page.💑
Can you ask your MIL to have the children for a few hours. You don't have to dress up fancy and feel pressured to have a date. Just have some downtime together, relaxing. Make it regular and you can use some of the time to discuss and plan some of the things you would like to do together the next time, a walk holding hands, laughing on the sofa. Use the time to check in with each other and focus on each other. Then the rest will come easier, e.g. when your two year old has his own room you and your partner will feel stronger together to manage any disruption etc.
You sound like you both have the thread you need to see it all through together, just keep weaving little bits into it, if your MIL/someone else can give you some time.

Am I missing something? Why not just zip the goalkeeping crib up and love bandy to other side of the room.

And carry two year old to their room once they fall asleep? Or stay with them until they sleep in their bed? Or even have a toddler bed in your room?

I love co-sleeping by the way.

Clearly isn’t working for your husband but if you’re happy then keep at it