MIL implying husband resents co sleeping and we need “adult time”

[Kahan]

my baby (7 months) sleeps in a co sleeper crib next to my main bed. We have 2 yo in bed with us. I’ve had post partum with both pregnancies and found it much easier to manage when co sleeping. I do have to admit I have easy babies. So I’ve lucked out. But MIL commented that maybe it’s time we utilised the nursery so we could have some space back to be adults. Dh shut her down straight away and said it was up to me. But it’s really got me worried. Husband obviously admits he finds the babies being in with us not ideal but supports me as it’s easiest for me. We’ve tried separate bedrooms but husband prefers sleeping with us anyway. I’m just very paranoid now. Husband has said it would be nice to have our room back but the babies are only young once. I get so much better sleep as I am breastfeeding. The other day I was speaking to a couple of friends and they ended up being really judgmental about wives that prioritise their kids over their husbands and almost using that to explain cheating . I just nodded along but was horrified on the inside. Our sex life is rubbish. It used to be very good. I just have no energy. Co sleeping works. Well it allows me to sleep.

Should I take the advice of mil/froends?

There are other places and times to have sex. In bed at night is boring. Beds are for sleeping. Once the children are sleeping , day or night, why not go downstairs and have a bit of fun ? DH needs to be cuddled a bit, too. If it’s still too soon, it’s something to aim for.
My 3 co-slept till they chose to be in their own beds aged between 2 and 3, though sometimes still wandered through about 1 am and climbed in, in a transitional period. I made a point of letting them help decorate the room with their choice and choose their bedding to make it appealing. They became quite excited to move in.

I think at 7 months and 2 years they can sleep
in own rooms. Once on solids 7 month old should manage longer stretches in the night. I would say it’s unusual to have a 2 year old co sleeping. I guess the question is - is your sex life important as unlikely to improve if both kids are co sleeping.

Personally, I would look to moving the kids out. Having time as a couple is actually important.

Your DH is being cooperative, you are pleased, and your babies are content.What the sleeping arrangements are is no one else's business.

You don’t seem to be listening to your husband so perhaps he asked his mother to mention it to you as someone who had been in the same position. This isn’t about your MiL it’s about you.

Totally agree. Mother trying to breastfeed and needing sleep too - end of - it’s not forever.

I wouldn't call a crib next the bed co-sleeping. If you are breastfeeding then this is normal and I had my baby in their cot in the bedroom till over one. But not in the bed. I think I would now be easing the two year old into the nursery and their cot/cotbed starting with day time naps and going from their, making bedtime enjoyable with bath, warm drink, stories. The baby is fine and utterly normal unless you want to be wandering round in the night to feed them (which I didn't and was one main point of breastfeeding - the other was I am a little OCDish and bottle feeding would have been a complete nightmare).

Wow, this sounds miserable. So you’re just flatmates due to choosing to ‘prioritise’ your children (I don’t actually agree this is prioritising) over your husband?

Wow, your husband doesn’t get much say here, does he? Why is he treated like the least important person in the house?

Are you genuinely suggesting OP’s DH should sleep on a MATTRESS on the floor?

Honestly, how has ‘family life’ come to this?

She's just trying to get a decent amount of sleep because she has a small baby. That's her priority. Her husband doesn't really seem that bothered. It's her MIL and some weird friends who seem overly invested in her sex life.

Your husband ideally will be with you for life, don't become strangers. Kids will be away in probably 18 years and you might find yourself in an empty bed if husband has given up with you.

It should be you and DH working together to raise the kids, keep your relationship close with love and affection. It shouldn't you and the kids with DH beinng that random bloke who provides the income and gets no affection in return. (And, I don't mean sex just a nice cosy cuddle in bed without a toddler in between).

(And, MIL should keep her beak out of the bedroom).

There’s a good book called “sweet sleep” that explains the benefits of co sleeping, I personally think chucking your children out of your bed is child
cruelty. Children come first. Also happy children equals happy marriage!

I personally think your mil has overstepped and you need to limit what you tell her. It's not her place to advise and I'd be shutting her down if she does it again. I'm sure you don't tell her about her sleeping arrangements with her partner!

As for you too, if your not ready to move the little ones, that's absolutely fine. But I'd personally get some more balance if your partner is requesting to me together and your sex life is rubbish. This isn't a you issue it's a couple chat where you both work out how you'll achieve time together and problem solved the barriers. Maybe you need a babysitter, a set afternoon or evening or just a meal every Friday etc at home where you connect. But I'd not be taking advise from my mil as she clearly has no self awareness!!!

I never let mine into my bed in the first place. Better not tell the NSPCC.

I co slept all the way through to about 6 months and only then started putting her down for the first part of the night. It made life so much easier not to have to get up to feed her. Now she’s 1 I’ve only just started settling her back into her cot when she wakes as she just rolls about if we bring her in. Don’t regret cosleeping for a second and my husband got much better sleep as well. As yours said, they’re only small once. Before long, they’ll sleep through and be in their own beds. It’s just a season, and the path of least resistance always makes everyone happier

If you want to have sex with your husband, what stops you doing from that while your children are (a) sleeping in your bedroom - you could go to another room for your 'adult time' or (b) awake, and being looked after by your caring MIL?
it isn't likely you'll want to if you're underslept and exhausted, so surely anything that makes this less likely is helpful?

The 2 year old absolutely needs to be in his own bedroom now…my daughter was in my bed as a baby and toddler and OMG it was a tough habit to break… and gets harder as they age!
You need to change this now, get him his own little car shaped bed or something, make his room fun and relaxing, play calming music and read him a story at bedtime, and be firm everytime he wakes that he must stay in his own bed … you’ll be shattered while setting this boundary but as long as you’re firm and never give in he’ll get the hint within a few nights… maybe introduce a sticker/rewards chart for sleeping in his own bed…
Then with the baby I’d say as soon as they’ve outgrown the co sleeper cot they straight into a cot in nursery and not into your bed at all…
I’d be worried if you leave it much longer you’ll have an 18 month old and a 3 year old star fishing in your bed and there Won’t be much room for you! Co-sleeping with my DD & husband gave me serious back ache and I couldn’t sleep properly as i was scared of the duvet covering her face or DH rolling onto her in the night.
My brother and his wife had the 2 kids ending up in their bed at night, it was awful… my brother never got a good nights sleep, would often end up in one of the kids beds which was too small for him (he’s 6ft 5”).. he ended up really depressed himself.

I think while it might be ‘easier’ in the short term… long term you are creating major issues…
You need to set boundaries with the 2 year old and stick to them… watch a few episodes of ‘super nanny’ doing the putting kids down to bed routine and only do it when you’re in the mindset to stick to your guns.. and a night when DH doesn’t have work the next day…. Get him on board and tag team the putting the child back into bed if one gets frustrated… stick with it and 2 ur old will soon learn he’s not winning this one…we had the rule that DD could only come in for cuddles in the morning and we’d say ‘No it’s still night time and take her back to bed, kiss her etc and say night again if she woke in middle of the night… at 2 he’ll soon forget he ever slept with you… it’s a LOT harder once they reach 3 as they start to remember things longer.
good luck

This saying is always wheeled out by women that date good men, tell them they love them and have a wonderful marriage just to get pregnant then bin them off. If it wasn't for your husband you wouldn't have the children you have.

He should never come below children nor should he come above. That's what I meant by compromise. If you can't love your husband and children at the same time you're not the strong mother you think....

Good men set a good example by not putting up with an unhappy marriage in the name of raising children. OP has admitted he's unhappy and she is not. That's appalling

What nonsense!

The DH hasn't said that he is unhappy, he has said that the current set-up isn't ideal from his perspective. Well, the alternative wouldn't be ideal from the OP's perspective, and she is the one that needs the most support right now, given that she is breastfeeding and has been suffering from postnatal depression. The DH has indicated that he is happy to go along with her choice and he recognise that the situation is only temporary. So stop making up shit about him being "unhappy" simply because you think he should be.

I'm not sure why you're talking to me about women binning "good" men off after getting pregnant. I am well aware that I wouldn't have the dc that I have if it weren't for my husband. But equally, he wouldn't have the dc that he has without me. So what?

I have been with my DH for 30 years and our relationship is just fine thanks. It's a long time now since we were navigating the world of parenting small dc, but I am incredibly grateful that I picked a decent man who has been willing to make compromises over the years, as have I, for the benefit of our family as a whole.

You can, of course, love your husband and your children at the same time. However, loving your husband doesn't have to mean pandering to his every whim. I pity any woman who feels under the type of pressure that you seem to feel. It is important for you to understand that there are men who don't always expect to have their needs put over and above everyone else's.

Going against the grain here but I’m quite surprised at the posters saying op should put the children in their own rooms. Especially the 7mo.

Firstly it’s got naff all to do with your mil and I’d be very angry if dh discussed our sleeping arrangements with his parents.

Whilst it is important to get some sleep and it’s nice to get some adult time back, the children are very small. Why is it always that a baby/small child is expected to sleep alone but an adult man can’t cope if he doesn’t have his wife to himself?

We had both our dc in our room until they were 1yo and 2yo. Admittedly with the 2yo it was partly because we didn’t have space. But we also co-slept with the youngest until around age 4.

Well both dc are nearly grown up now and are fully functioning and our marriage is no worse for it.

I am appalled at the posters implying the OP needs to put-out asap or she is a bad wife and will lose her man. Wow, how much internalised misogyny can there be?

In Maslov’s hierarchy of needs, I would imagine that sleep comes before sex. It’s normal for both mothers and father’s to put babies snd small children before themselves.

When women are breastfeeding their hormones are different and their behaviour is different. Fathers close to breastfeeding partners and children have changed hormones too. They tend to be less randy snd more nurturing. It’s almost like nature planned it to ensure these tiny, vulnerable creatures survive.

I wonder if the posters reacting so negatively ever breastfed for long. Some of these reactions seem a bit defensive. They accuse the OP of not giving enough to her husband. Perhaps they have a niggle that they didn’t give enough to their babies. I can’t explain the OTT reactions any other way.

Its very tough with 2 little ones and post natal depression on top . You should do what is right for you atm . Plenty of time to re establish your relationship with your husband (who sounds very supportive) when the baby is not breastfeeding and you feel back to yourself. Ignore the MIL it's not her business.

Haven't managed to read all the replies,but I got the feeling that you are judged a bit about the co sleep situation. 😒 No wonder as there is so much negativity about it for some reason.
I have a 2.5 and a 10 m,we co sleep from day 1 of the toddler,both exclusively breastfed.It was the best decision in order to get some rest. Its not always ideal but it has worked well for us. Do we miss our cuddles with husband and all the pre kids time and space we had for us in bed? Yes of course..but it's not going to be forever. We ended up having a single bed next to our king size bed so we have kinda sorted the space issue. For the s3x life..I personally don't think it's the co sleeping,there are other places to get intimate not just the bed. For me most of the days I m so tired and touched out that the last thing on my mind is s3x. Even if the kids were in their own bedroom,I wouldn't be up for anything. Please don't get discouraged by what people around you say..you do what is best for you and your family. But you should have I think a proper discussion with your husband about the situation.
Ps..yes a 2 year old is not a baby per se..but it's still a small child that also had to deal with a new baby!!
Hope you find a solution xx

"Anyone who is a half decent parent to a baby and a toddler has a shit sex life". This. Thankyou so much, I needed to read that today!

Wow. I’ve just caught up on a few of these since posting myself and am really saddened to see how much negativity you are getting.

You just keep doing your thing, following your instincts, and ignore the know-it-all Karens who seem very happy to criticise from behind their keyboards. This time when they depend on you is short and so precious - enjoy it for as long as it works for you. All babies and situations are different. I currently have my beautiful baby next to me and don’t intend to force her into her own bed any time soon (not least because i can’t face the fight). She will move when she is ready, in the mean time we will keep trying incremental steps (like a floor bed, for example - that is working well for us for naps and at the start of the night).

anyway, good luck!! I’m sure you’re doing a great job.