To think that people treat me badly because of my looks?

[Ethina]

Today a man screamed at me and my two friends after we attenpted to move a chair in a cafe which accidentally bumped into his chair. Literally that. He said ‘you need to stop, stop stop stop stop stop’ to me, he repeated that around ten times, then shouted ‘shut up’ to my friend when she interjected. He then shouted a few more things before he went back to work on his laptop. It was surreal. We’re all in our fifties and sixties, he was probably around 30.

The guy was huge, he was wearing the uniform of a nearby gym and it turns out he is an instructor there. I assume he felt completely comfortable raising his voice to us, knowing that he would not be challenged on his behaviour.

I feel like this sort of thing is happening more often than it used to. Maybe not to the level of shouting or intimidation like today, but people are unfriendly much quicker than they used to be, over trivial matters. My only theory is that it’s because I’ve aged, and often look scruffy and tired. I don’t think I’ve changed how I interact with people, the only thing that’s changed over the years is my appearance. If anything I try to be as polite and friendly as possible these days. I don’t think I’m being more sensitive than I used to be. I’ve lived in the same area for a long time so I have a basis for comparison over time.

My mother used to say that you turn invisible at a certain age - I don’t mind invisible, but being treated unkindly (or worse) over nothing is a step too far.

My looks: I won’t post a picture but I look my age, average weight, usually dressed in non fashionable trainers and a tracksuit, I don’t do botox or manicures, don’t wear much make up, don’t do my hair, look tired. Harassed looking but clean probably sums it up. Shouldn’t be causing the above but nothing else could possibly be going on.

In this scenario he was obviously a nutcase. I hope you have reported it to the gym.

If general, I think there are just more undressed mental health problems and a general move towards rudeness. I think it's more likely this than your appearance tbh.

Pretty Privilege is a thing, and fat phobia, but I'm not sure I've noticed anything in between.

I'd think a bit more. I'd imagine more than your age and looks have changed over the past years. Are you going to different places? Doing different things? Maybe it's just a different set of people. And then people are different now, angrier, more self absorbed, more likely to voice their thoughts.

You interacted with an arse hole. You already know this. Refuse to give people like this space in your head.

Do you think he shouted at all three of you for your looks?

It's sad that your thoughts go directly to your appearance instead of him just being a fruit loop. 'Roid rage perhaps?

It’s unlikely to be your appearance OP. This particular guy obviously has issues, but I agree people are generally colder these days. I’ve lived in the same town for thirty years and walks are no longer peppered with ‘good morning’ etc. Everyone seems to be in their own bubble and, with the occasional exception, unable or unwilling to make any effort. I wouldn’t take it personally.

I think post-covid people are a lot more unfriendly. Everyone used to return a greeting when walking, but now generally people avert their eyes when faced with nteraxtion. As to the guy, I would feedback to the gym. It’s abuse. Not a good look for their business.

Unlikely due to looks he just sounds highly strung

You're not being paranoid op, I am treated much differently now as an old woman, late fifties, than I was as a pretty younger woman, sometimes it's patronising, sometimes it's just being ignored, sometimes it's outright anger, younger men are actively unpleasant a lot of the time, it's like they are repulsed by an older woman.

I’m not sure what relevance your looks have, if he was confronting all 3 of you. It’s not like he singled you out, plus you admit you bumped his chair so I would assume he was pissy over that as opposed to you aging.

In my experience there is a growing demographic of self-involved young men who seem angry about the very existence of older women. We know overt misogyny's on the rise; I expect it's just one expression of that. If I'm not too startled in the moment, I like to treat them like poorly-behaved children. Doesn't make any difference, but it gives me a little satisfaction!

The bloke at the café obviously has a screw coming loose. PP could well be right about steroids, in which case his willy will be shrinking - a cheering thought 😏

It's not your looks, OP. Just losers and crackpots.

Hmm, I find that people are nicer to be in middle-age than previously! Perhaps because I’m no threat to them in any way?
I think he was just a rude prat tbh.

Do you mean they are thinking, "women are bad enough but an unfuckable one is just abhorrent" I mean where do these bozo's think they came from? If only women could know in advance not to to bother birthing these losers.

Exactly!

Perhaps he's on (non-prescribed) anabolic steroids as you said he worked in the gym. They can make him angry and unhinged https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roid_rage

Roid rage is real! He’s just a prick with a small dick

Nah, you had an encounter with a nutcase experiencing roid rage.

I’d be tempted to contact the gym. ‘Just checking in on one of your employees that screamed at three women in a cafe yesterday, he seemed to be having some form of an episode.’

He sounds unhinged

And I'd report him to the gym that he works in

You’re not wrong although I think it isn’t solely about looks, but age and looks. If you’ve got great looks you get a free 10-year pass before the normal menopause disregard and disrespect sets in ;)

The only way is to stand up to these enetitled twattish bullies. Draw yourself up to full height, shoulders back; hard Paddington stare, and a loud and direct rebuke to the little squit.

ive just been served some Facebook reels of of older female dogs sorting out irritating, gobby puppies, with a firm growl and a nip. They know what it’s all about ;)

Also … 30s fella, working in a gym, very angry in unprovoked situations …

Could be a steroid abuser.

@Ethina it’s surely perfectly clear that the man was having some sort of ‘episode’ - almost certainly caused by steroid misuse as others have noted.

I’m sorry your mother’s remarks have strengthened your internalised misogyny regarding your value as a human being. I’m in my sixties, fully expect to be treated with courtesy and consideration by strangers and with respect by people who know me - and that has been my invariable experience so far.

That should be the case regardless of how one presents oneself in public. However I do notice that you describe your appearance - dressed in non-fashionable trainers and tracksuit - as an immutable fact. Those are just clothes. And clothes are incredibly cheap. Why not spend a little time on the Style & Beauty board, where posters will be happy to suggest ways you can improve your wardrobe, and revivify your appearance generally - if you’d like to? No botox required.

In that example his reaction sounds too fast to be looks specific. If he was working on his laptop, got bumped by you and shouted stop, he’s reacting to the bump not your looks so it’s odd to bring looks into it. Esp trainers, manicures etc which won’t even register in the moment. On a more general basis, if you look scruffy as you say then sure overall you’ll get less respect than if you looked smart. Added to that yes ageism is a thing but so are other factors as pps have said, from society getting ruder (more screen obsessed as in this example) to sexism and gym guy twattery.

Yikes. So sorry you had that horrible experience. It can be so jarring and upsetting.
I haven’t noticed people being more rude to older women, but I have noticed a rise in people’s stress levels in general. We’ve had a really destabilizing time since 2020.

I think this bonkers behavior was just all on him, in this case- I bet he would have done that no matter who you are or what you looked like. It might have even been worse…

I have noticed people aren’t as overly friendly to me as they were when I was in my 20’s, but I don’t mind that, as the “friendliness” often came with attention I didn’t want.

im not going to invalidate your experience, though - if you are experiencing this, it is awful, and it’s more a reflection on the people who behave that way than anything else. People don’t “earn” being treated with basic courtesy … that should be a default, shouldn’t it. But some people are rotten.

I agree. I'm in my 60s and have never been treated like that, nor have I become invisible.

My thoughts also went straight to roid rage. He was just a vile prick on steroids with his big ugly muscles. Gross.