To think that people treat me badly because of my looks?

[Ethina]

Today a man screamed at me and my two friends after we attenpted to move a chair in a cafe which accidentally bumped into his chair. Literally that. He said ‘you need to stop, stop stop stop stop stop’ to me, he repeated that around ten times, then shouted ‘shut up’ to my friend when she interjected. He then shouted a few more things before he went back to work on his laptop. It was surreal. We’re all in our fifties and sixties, he was probably around 30.

The guy was huge, he was wearing the uniform of a nearby gym and it turns out he is an instructor there. I assume he felt completely comfortable raising his voice to us, knowing that he would not be challenged on his behaviour.

I feel like this sort of thing is happening more often than it used to. Maybe not to the level of shouting or intimidation like today, but people are unfriendly much quicker than they used to be, over trivial matters. My only theory is that it’s because I’ve aged, and often look scruffy and tired. I don’t think I’ve changed how I interact with people, the only thing that’s changed over the years is my appearance. If anything I try to be as polite and friendly as possible these days. I don’t think I’m being more sensitive than I used to be. I’ve lived in the same area for a long time so I have a basis for comparison over time.

My mother used to say that you turn invisible at a certain age - I don’t mind invisible, but being treated unkindly (or worse) over nothing is a step too far.

My looks: I won’t post a picture but I look my age, average weight, usually dressed in non fashionable trainers and a tracksuit, I don’t do botox or manicures, don’t wear much make up, don’t do my hair, look tired. Harassed looking but clean probably sums it up. Shouldn’t be causing the above but nothing else could possibly be going on.

Maybe he was having a bad day maybe his dad just died maybe he really didnt want his chair bashed we are all human...

Probably more due to the fact he's a gym instructor and probably on steroids than your looks.

His behaviour is his behaviour, don't make it your problem, leave it with him.

I'd report him to his employers tbh. What an AH.

You can change how you look/feel buy investing in a uniform - buy only trousers, skirts and dresses in styles that suit you. If you can buy tops that match multiple trousers/skirts so you can mix and match.

Have 2 lightweight fitted cardis you can wear our throw over your shoulders to pop on if it gets cold.

Buy a few pairs of shoes in different styles to go with yoyr outfits.

Have a hair cut

Have a facial

We've probably all felt like you - mine was when I was the breadwinner and had 2 young kids. I had no time for me. Getting my hair cut was the start of getting me back!

Nothing to do with your looks OP.

The man is just an entitled nutcase.

It might maybe have something to do with you being a woman though, because that type of bully would think twice about shouting like that if you were a big man because they know full well a woman is less likely to punch them in the face for being so rude...

It makes me sad when women in general internalise all the harmful messages from patriarchy/society about how their only value is being young and pretty. Don't let that play with your mind.

Don’t internalise this as a you problem..some people are just born assholes.

A gymbro acting like that is usually steroids. Nothing to do with you OP.

I would absolutely report him to the Gym and tell them that I am reporting him to 101.
He sounds unhinged.
Likely steroid abuse, but should be reported.
He made an unhinged show of himself and the Gym he works for.

Also, people saying steroids, could be, but just as likely coke, it's rife round here, and I've had a couple of run ins with the little rats whose eyeballs are bulging with it, makes them even more ragey.

I think people are way too concerned with being polite these days. I'm five foot tall, my mum is 4 foot 10.5 and a couple of years ago a workman had a right go at us for walking on a paving slab he'd just laid- we were so absorbed in our conversation we didn't see it. He thought he could pick on two very short, NOT young women IMO. By the time I'd finished berating him, he probably wanted to die.

I’m in my 60’s and haven’t noticed myself becoming invisible or people being rude to me. The opposite in fact, I’ve found people mostly very friendly, we were at the Hydro in Glasgow last night and all the staff, of all ages , were great! However, I noticed quite a few years ago how my fab youngest daughter always makes eye contact with people, and is friendly, in return people really respond well to her. So I make a real effort to do this too, and it works !
The man you met was just an idiot, I doubt it was anything personal!

I think he shouted at you because you’re a woman. End of.

I don't especially think looks mean much. I was more attractive than I realised when I was younger but in everyday life only really ever got creeps hitting on me. I think most people don't notice most people. I doubt you're as unattractive as you think too. I do think some men will target women for confrontation but not men and some men will focus on younger women but, happily for me, I can live without their attention.

I do think there are a number of men that think exactly that.

I have learned as I’ve got older that I have a resting bitch face. I suspect I’ve always had it but it is an advantage. I have a face that says “I can stand up for myself” and a voice that verbalises a string “fuck you” before I can even think it.

I grew up with a violent alcoholic father and even now, in my mid 50’s, I cannot stand when people try to intimidate me. I’ll take a step towards them and look them straight in the eye.

One day it will get me into trouble 🙄

Well, no, I don’t think anyone said she should have challenged him to fight, personally speaking, I wouldn’t get into an argument with an already angry, unpleasant man.

He sounds like an awful character, and maybe can't control his temper.

I'm 59 and not noticing any unusual behaviour from others towards me. I live in a small town where people are generally polite, and maybe that's very different from the type of place you live in?

Don't dwell on it. I've been shouted at by idiots when I was young and supposedly attractive.

It’s generally disappointing when an OP posts something contentious and then doesn’t return. So I hope @Ethina will …

The bloke needs to come off his steroids. Nothing to do with you.

I’m in my late sixties and find some people either don’t see me (that’s their loss) or I demonstrate the kind of behaviours that make the majority treat me well. I smile at people serving me, I treat them as important, I greet people, saying thank you when they hold open doors and so on. Yes, it all takes effort but that’s something I believe is worth doing.
The OP seems to feel a victim of gym-man’s bad behaviour. Maybe next time ask and smile at people you might disturb so when someone does behave inappropriately, you’ll always remain in control.
Very occasionally you can let someone know they’re being a dick by look alone.

I'm not sure, do you think he would have spoken to an attractive 21 year old the same way? I don't

I find this level of speculation odd. You were nor there from what I understand and don’t know this man, we all know some people, men and women talk to 21 year olds, attractive or otherwise like shit. Ask any attractive 21 year old. The world isn’t just full of kind blokes for them. So how on earth would you know what this particular man would do?

There is a section of gym going, “alpha male”, incel types who loathe women, who have been emboldened by the likes of Trump to feel they are superior and if a woman isn’t pretty, she has no use in the world.
He is just a twat.
Id have let some of my menopausal rage out and shouted back but then I don’t give a fuck any more.

I don’t think it was your age, but he probably wouldn’t have raged at you in the same way had you been a great strapping guy who could have knocked him on his arse.

My money is on roid rage, and I would definitely be having a word to the gym. If he works there and is in the cafe in his uniform then he is representing them in a poor way and needs to be reminded of the fact. (Plus if he is using or buying steroids at the gym then that adds a whole extra layer of wrongness.)

What a colossal prick. I have had a few run ins with similar guys over the years and believe me, they have had the sharp side of my tongue. On one memorable occasion an elderly gent popped over to back me up and had a good (verbal) go at the pompous twit in question.

Of course I don't know. But I'll continue to speculate! That's all it is, speculation.

I'm guessing you're in denial about your age.

The OP and her friends are in their 50s & 60s.

Yep, people are more unfriendly these days but a lot of men are more entitled, arrogant and misogynistic. You probably just met one of those.