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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that people treat me badly because of my looks?

131 replies

Ethina · 24/10/2025 00:32

Today a man screamed at me and my two friends after we attenpted to move a chair in a cafe which accidentally bumped into his chair. Literally that. He said ‘you need to stop, stop stop stop stop stop’ to me, he repeated that around ten times, then shouted ‘shut up’ to my friend when she interjected. He then shouted a few more things before he went back to work on his laptop. It was surreal. We’re all in our fifties and sixties, he was probably around 30.

The guy was huge, he was wearing the uniform of a nearby gym and it turns out he is an instructor there. I assume he felt completely comfortable raising his voice to us, knowing that he would not be challenged on his behaviour.

I feel like this sort of thing is happening more often than it used to. Maybe not to the level of shouting or intimidation like today, but people are unfriendly much quicker than they used to be, over trivial matters. My only theory is that it’s because I’ve aged, and often look scruffy and tired. I don’t think I’ve changed how I interact with people, the only thing that’s changed over the years is my appearance. If anything I try to be as polite and friendly as possible these days. I don’t think I’m being more sensitive than I used to be. I’ve lived in the same area for a long time so I have a basis for comparison over time.

My mother used to say that you turn invisible at a certain age - I don’t mind invisible, but being treated unkindly (or worse) over nothing is a step too far.

My looks: I won’t post a picture but I look my age, average weight, usually dressed in non fashionable trainers and a tracksuit, I don’t do botox or manicures, don’t wear much make up, don’t do my hair, look tired. Harassed looking but clean probably sums it up. Shouldn’t be causing the above but nothing else could possibly be going on.

OP posts:
ThrushorSparrow · 24/10/2025 05:12

Isittimeformynapyet · 24/10/2025 00:42

Do you think he shouted at all three of you for your looks?

It's sad that your thoughts go directly to your appearance instead of him just being a fruit loop. 'Roid rage perhaps?

I suppose knocking his chair could have aggravated his haemorrhoids - was what I initially thought on reading your post, until I realised what you meant!

Guavafish1 · 24/10/2025 05:18

I would contact his work and tell the manager

I don’t think it’s got anything to do with your looks - it’s all about people being rude and entitled now. No community spirit.

my father was punched over a parking dispute… and the car didn’t even belong to him!

HoppingPavlova · 24/10/2025 05:20

Another who would assume steroids rather than your age/appearance.

LillyPJ · 24/10/2025 05:22

I doubt if it's your appearance. Maybe he was trying to work and was annoyed at being disturbed? Maybe you'd been chatting and he'd been getting increasingly irritated? Maybe he'd just had a terrible day and it was the last straw? If some people see older people as 'invisible' they tend ignore then rather than shout at them.

spoonbillstretford · 24/10/2025 05:23

knowing that he would not be challenged on his behaviour.

Then why didn't you? I'd be telling him to shut the fuck up and I'll sit where I like. I found people tried to take the piss a lot more when I was younger and less confident.

TheBlueUser · 24/10/2025 05:26

He likely wouldn't have shouted at you in that way if you were a young and pretty girl - so yeah i think you have a point.

He sounds a bit unhinged though and I'm surprised the cafe staff didn't step in if he really was shouting that much.

ArtesianWater · 24/10/2025 05:42

AnyOtherBrightIdeas · 24/10/2025 02:45

Also … 30s fella, working in a gym, very angry in unprovoked situations …

Could be a steroid abuser.

This +probably doing the desk part of his job or social media updates in the cafe. That's the other thing that has changed since Covid: disturb at your peril.

WiddlinDiddlin · 24/10/2025 05:48

I bet he'd have shouted at anyone except a similarly sized/larger man, and even then he may have started then stopped himself.

I'll get myself punched one of these days as my split second reaction to that sort of thing is no longer to cry or stand there and wish I'd disappear... I've gone back to my childhood meltdown (yes, actual meltdown not just temper) behaviour - aggressive verbal attacks like that trigger me to scream FUCK OFF back in such peoples faces (and again, yes I do mean scream). I have no chance of running away/backing off easily as a powerchair is not that manouverable!

Fatcatsinspats · 24/10/2025 05:55

It’s nothing to do with your looks. It was all to do with the fact that you as women had the audacity to annoy a steroid soaked entitled man.

I have encountered this male anger and aggression all my life, including the so called ‘pretty privilege’ years, I was also slender then.

If anything I have it less now I’m in my 60s because my body language reflects that I will stand up for myself and I don’t have to play the role of being overly feminine and pretty.

xSideshowAuntSallyXx · 24/10/2025 05:56

You could see he was working, did you say excuse me or anything like that? Did you apologise for banging his chair?

Being polite works both ways and has nothing to do with age or how you look. If you just moved the chair and didn't say anything then no wonder he said something(it can be bloody irritating when people knock into you). If you had said excuse me or something like that beforehand then that's different.

His reaction was extreme but doubt it had anything to do with your age and looks. In my experience, a lot of older people are rude to younger people as well.

Slightyamusedandsilly · 24/10/2025 05:59

Definitely report him to his employer. If he's wearing his work uniform and acting aggressively towards elderly people in public, he isn't exactly representing the company well.

Umy15r03lcha1 · 24/10/2025 06:03

Isittimeformynapyet · 24/10/2025 00:42

Do you think he shouted at all three of you for your looks?

It's sad that your thoughts go directly to your appearance instead of him just being a fruit loop. 'Roid rage perhaps?

Yes I immediately thought steroids

Thepossibility · 24/10/2025 06:10

That sounds like roid rage, which has absolutely nothing to do with your appearance. I think you are maybe a bit self conscious so are taking people's outbursts personally?

MaidOfSteel · 24/10/2025 06:11

I showed your post to my husband, OP, and his reply was ‘nah, he’s just a dickhead.’

Nowadays, my middle aged couldn’t care less self would have asked him politely who the heck he thought he was talking to and told him to have more respect for his elders and betters!

176509user · 24/10/2025 06:14

Eaglemom · 24/10/2025 04:58

My thoughts also went straight to roid rage. He was just a vile prick on steroids with his big ugly muscles. Gross.

This more likely than your looks,OP.

Steroids and a mysoginist.

Report to the gym.

CagneyNYPD1 · 24/10/2025 06:19

Yep, Roid Rage.

Nothing to do with you or how you present yourself.

SweetnsourNZ · 24/10/2025 06:23

coxesorangepippin · 24/10/2025 02:24

He sounds unhinged

And I'd report him to the gym that he works in

Yes, especially if he was wearing their uniform. Unless he owns the place of course.

Terfedout · 24/10/2025 06:26

Slightyamusedandsilly · 24/10/2025 05:59

Definitely report him to his employer. If he's wearing his work uniform and acting aggressively towards elderly people in public, he isn't exactly representing the company well.

Elderly 🤣🤣🤣 ffs

whimsicallyprickly · 24/10/2025 06:26

How strange that you'd think it's to do with the way you appear. I cant see how the way you present to the world would make people feel more angry towards you

I can see that if a person sort of fades into the background, then they might be ignored more than those who don't fade

I'm a similar age to you and absolutely no way would I allow someone to shout at me or disrespect me

Why would you allow it?

whimsicallyprickly · 24/10/2025 06:28

Slightyamusedandsilly · 24/10/2025 05:59

Definitely report him to his employer. If he's wearing his work uniform and acting aggressively towards elderly people in public, he isn't exactly representing the company well.

Elderly? Biscuit

Are you 8? 🙄

TheaBrandt1 · 24/10/2025 06:39

50 but quite trendy and make an effort and am quite confident. I don’t get treated badly in public. Also the perving from men has stopped. Maybe I’m in the sweet spot?! Interesting to see when my looks go further as I age maybe it will change?

Whattodo1122 · 24/10/2025 06:39

Please report him to the gym or even better the head office, awful behaviour.

Eaglemom · 24/10/2025 06:42

whimsicallyprickly · 24/10/2025 06:26

How strange that you'd think it's to do with the way you appear. I cant see how the way you present to the world would make people feel more angry towards you

I can see that if a person sort of fades into the background, then they might be ignored more than those who don't fade

I'm a similar age to you and absolutely no way would I allow someone to shout at me or disrespect me

Why would you allow it?

Some people dont feel they can stand up to others who are 3x bigger than them and clearly aggressive. Understandable really.

whimsicallyprickly · 24/10/2025 06:43

Eaglemom · 24/10/2025 06:42

Some people dont feel they can stand up to others who are 3x bigger than them and clearly aggressive. Understandable really.

She doesn't have to square up to him physically 🤣🤣

Tiebiter · 24/10/2025 06:45

I've noticed an uptick in men generally but particularly older men (60s) being aggressive and shouty with me and dc for no reason. We recently went for a meal in a standard chain restaurant and this guy just started shouting at my dc for talking (they were not being at all disruptive).

Dh has also noticed it and commented he thinks we are getting more abuse from men when he's not obviously with us, like dawdling behind us when shopping so people don't realize he's with us.

It feels like they're the standard reform voter and now feels emboldened to be the twat they always wanted to be.

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