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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that people treat me badly because of my looks?

131 replies

Ethina · 24/10/2025 00:32

Today a man screamed at me and my two friends after we attenpted to move a chair in a cafe which accidentally bumped into his chair. Literally that. He said ‘you need to stop, stop stop stop stop stop’ to me, he repeated that around ten times, then shouted ‘shut up’ to my friend when she interjected. He then shouted a few more things before he went back to work on his laptop. It was surreal. We’re all in our fifties and sixties, he was probably around 30.

The guy was huge, he was wearing the uniform of a nearby gym and it turns out he is an instructor there. I assume he felt completely comfortable raising his voice to us, knowing that he would not be challenged on his behaviour.

I feel like this sort of thing is happening more often than it used to. Maybe not to the level of shouting or intimidation like today, but people are unfriendly much quicker than they used to be, over trivial matters. My only theory is that it’s because I’ve aged, and often look scruffy and tired. I don’t think I’ve changed how I interact with people, the only thing that’s changed over the years is my appearance. If anything I try to be as polite and friendly as possible these days. I don’t think I’m being more sensitive than I used to be. I’ve lived in the same area for a long time so I have a basis for comparison over time.

My mother used to say that you turn invisible at a certain age - I don’t mind invisible, but being treated unkindly (or worse) over nothing is a step too far.

My looks: I won’t post a picture but I look my age, average weight, usually dressed in non fashionable trainers and a tracksuit, I don’t do botox or manicures, don’t wear much make up, don’t do my hair, look tired. Harassed looking but clean probably sums it up. Shouldn’t be causing the above but nothing else could possibly be going on.

OP posts:
Eaglemom · 24/10/2025 06:45

whimsicallyprickly · 24/10/2025 06:43

She doesn't have to square up to him physically 🤣🤣

Well he was clearly triggered by her just walking past so i wouldnt trust what he would do if she xhallemged hos behaviour in any way. Just saying its understandable if she didn't feel safe standing up for herself in this situation and its more a reflection on angry steroid man than her.

BlueJuniper94 · 24/10/2025 06:48

Hardhats · 24/10/2025 01:03

I’m not sure what relevance your looks have, if he was confronting all 3 of you. It’s not like he singled you out, plus you admit you bumped his chair so I would assume he was pissy over that as opposed to you aging.

We need to be able to rub along together more successfully than that though, a bumped chair does not justify this man's psychotic outburst.

It might be something more to do with the unravelling of our social fabric

minvee · 24/10/2025 06:49

OP, this has nothing to do with you (or how you look) and everything to do with him.

whimsicallyprickly · 24/10/2025 06:50

Eaglemom · 24/10/2025 06:45

Well he was clearly triggered by her just walking past so i wouldnt trust what he would do if she xhallemged hos behaviour in any way. Just saying its understandable if she didn't feel safe standing up for herself in this situation and its more a reflection on angry steroid man than her.

I think the OP said that she knocked his chair. I agree that she doesn't have to do or say anything to this horrible man nor does she have to report him or ask for help if she doesn't want to. You're right.

I think the point I'm making is that if we go through life not shining our light and sometimes actively dimming our light because we're trying to fit in.....then we are potentially going to be treated in ways we don't appreciate

But of course, staying safe is critical 🥰

Mapletree1985 · 24/10/2025 06:54

He shouted at you because he's an arsehole, and possibly off his rocker or perpetually simmering with rage like so many men these days. Your looks have nothing to do with it. It's a little sad that we'd think a woman being older and frumpier would somehow explain a man's outrageous behaviour. It's not our job to placate them by being youthful and fuckable. He is entirely responsible for his own dreadful character.

Mapletree1985 · 24/10/2025 06:55

Guavafish1 · 24/10/2025 05:18

I would contact his work and tell the manager

I don’t think it’s got anything to do with your looks - it’s all about people being rude and entitled now. No community spirit.

my father was punched over a parking dispute… and the car didn’t even belong to him!

Oh god no there's no need to escalate the incident.

Owly11 · 24/10/2025 06:56

I think there is a mixture of things happening. In this particular incident this guy is clearly unhinged with possibly drugs and misogyny at play. In general, society has got ruder and more narcissistic - people feel more entitled and selfish and don't feel they have to consider others. Misogyny is also on the rise. And yes, older middle age women are a particular target for venom - they have no use to men any more and yet tend to be more assertive and take less shit than younger women - think of the Karen phenomenon which is embraced even by younger women too. Good looking people do get treated better by others so if you are both older and not good looking yes you will be being treated worse. And for you there is a wound around your looks because of your mother so being treated worse because of how you look really bothers you in a way it might not bother others so much. Perhaps others don't notice more subtle shifts in others' responses to them but you perhaps see it even when it isn't particularly there such as the incident with this out of control lunatic. I hope you have reported him to the gym.

NokiaRock · 24/10/2025 06:57

He sounds like an angry, abusive prick man. There are a lot of them about.

I’m sure he and his type are more likely to be aggressive towards women, especially older women. Whether your individual looks play into it, who knows?

The guy was a bully and bullies attack those they perceive as weaker than them.

pushthebuttonnn · 24/10/2025 07:05

Perfidia · 24/10/2025 03:43

@Ethina it’s surely perfectly clear that the man was having some sort of ‘episode’ - almost certainly caused by steroid misuse as others have noted.

I’m sorry your mother’s remarks have strengthened your internalised misogyny regarding your value as a human being. I’m in my sixties, fully expect to be treated with courtesy and consideration by strangers and with respect by people who know me - and that has been my invariable experience so far.

That should be the case regardless of how one presents oneself in public. However I do notice that you describe your appearance - dressed in non-fashionable trainers and tracksuit - as an immutable fact. Those are just clothes. And clothes are incredibly cheap. Why not spend a little time on the Style & Beauty board, where posters will be happy to suggest ways you can improve your wardrobe, and revivify your appearance generally - if you’d like to? No botox required.

Completely agree. You obviously don't feel good about yourself OP which is sad. Could you switch up your style if you are going out for coffee with a friend? Jeans and a nice jumper for example. Hair straight and down instead of a pony tail and put on some make up.
Leave the tracksuits and trainers for lounging in the house. It's amazing how good you can feel when you make a little more effort 🌟
As for that man , he sounds nuts! Hopefully you won't see him again. He is obviously not a very nice person.

Marylou2 · 24/10/2025 07:07

I think it says way more about him than you. Also beware huge gym bros as steroid use is common and we're all aware of how that affects mood. My faith in humanity has been restored this week as I had a flat tyre and while I was waiting for the AA 2 men stopped to ask if they could help, one particularly amazing young man who turned round in traffic to check on me and 2 women too. I'm 57 and sound v much like the OP.

EleanorReally · 24/10/2025 07:07

there were 3 of you though
he sounds like a bully

it is him not you!

Horses7 · 24/10/2025 07:15

Please don’t overthink think this - your sound like a perfectly normal woman who bumped the chair of a complete moron/bully.
Forget it and remember most people are decent human beings however there are a minority that are just horrible….and you came across one today.

Tryingatleast · 24/10/2025 07:19

He was just a lula op!!! Like others you need to look at why you assumed it was a you thing, people are sadly just not as nice now, don’t think it’s anything to you with you, you’ll drive yourself into the ground feeling blue over it x

MushMonster · 24/10/2025 07:21

It is a thing OP, unfortunatelly. Some people do think they can walk all over middle age or older women. Usually they are just rude, but this guy was well beyond that.
Just answer back OP, if it is safe (not with this idiot).

smilingfanatic · 24/10/2025 07:24

<not a stealth brag>

I'm a reasonably attractive woman and I've been screamed at and threatened a fair few times by angry, unhinged men. Pretty privilege is 100% a thing but a wanker is a wanker and I don't think it's made any difference in these sorts of scenarios, which are temper driven.

Sorry this happened to you, it's so unsettling. Last time it happened to me (last Christmas while shopping and I got into someone's way) it played on my mind for a good week afterwards! Mostly just visions of me going all Jackie Chan and putting him on his arse.

I am not sure it's getting worse. I've always encountered these men from time to time, since I was a child and up to now.

youalright · 24/10/2025 07:28

If he said stop 10 times how many times where you whacking into his chair

Starlight7080 · 24/10/2025 07:37

Steroids....simple as that. Nothing to do with how you look.
Such intense anger over a small thing is a clear sign

TattooStan · 24/10/2025 07:38

If he was massive, wearing gym clothing, and acting unhinged, he was probably on steroids.
Sorry you experienced this OP.

MrsDoubtfire1 · 24/10/2025 07:43

He is a nut job. You need to report him to the gym. If he reacts like that when a couple of women move a chair, heaven help his clients at the gym or the people he works with. Consider it your bit for society.

Notmyreality · 24/10/2025 07:47

No offense but I can’t imagine he genuinely shouted/yelled at you. He would have been kicked out of the cafe. I can envisage him speaking loudly and commandingly but I doubt he yelled. I’m not saying he was right to speak to you in that fashion either, he wasn’t, but I doubt an observer would describe what happened with quite the same hyperbole.

LillyPJ · 24/10/2025 07:47

I'm puzzled by all the people here saying report him to the gym. Do you really think they would do anything? Even if they challenged him, the man would probably say that OP and her friends were being disruptive and that he just told them to stop. I doubt it would alter his behaviour. Reporting to the gym just sounds like telling tales to me.

DBD1975 · 24/10/2025 07:58

NuffSaidSam · 24/10/2025 00:36

In this scenario he was obviously a nutcase. I hope you have reported it to the gym.

If general, I think there are just more undressed mental health problems and a general move towards rudeness. I think it's more likely this than your appearance tbh.

I work in services and sorry but your description and terminology is not helpful.
I agree with the OP I have posted several times on here about very minor and trivial incidents and the reaction of people shouting at me and behaving in an intimidating and threatening manner.
People who do so are rude, vile and have no boundaries but not mentally unwell.

DBD1975 · 24/10/2025 08:00

Feeelyouniq · 24/10/2025 00:58

You're not being paranoid op, I am treated much differently now as an old woman, late fifties, than I was as a pretty younger woman, sometimes it's patronising, sometimes it's just being ignored, sometimes it's outright anger, younger men are actively unpleasant a lot of the time, it's like they are repulsed by an older woman.

Agree, I find the same, it is the patrionisastion which gets me x

Devilsmommy · 24/10/2025 08:00

Isittimeformynapyet · 24/10/2025 00:42

Do you think he shouted at all three of you for your looks?

It's sad that your thoughts go directly to your appearance instead of him just being a fruit loop. 'Roid rage perhaps?

Roid rage was my first thought too.

smilingfanatic · 24/10/2025 08:01

@DBD1975 - you have absolutely no idea whether he was mentally unwell or not.

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