To think that people treat me badly because of my looks?

[Ethina]

Today a man screamed at me and my two friends after we attenpted to move a chair in a cafe which accidentally bumped into his chair. Literally that. He said ‘you need to stop, stop stop stop stop stop’ to me, he repeated that around ten times, then shouted ‘shut up’ to my friend when she interjected. He then shouted a few more things before he went back to work on his laptop. It was surreal. We’re all in our fifties and sixties, he was probably around 30.

The guy was huge, he was wearing the uniform of a nearby gym and it turns out he is an instructor there. I assume he felt completely comfortable raising his voice to us, knowing that he would not be challenged on his behaviour.

I feel like this sort of thing is happening more often than it used to. Maybe not to the level of shouting or intimidation like today, but people are unfriendly much quicker than they used to be, over trivial matters. My only theory is that it’s because I’ve aged, and often look scruffy and tired. I don’t think I’ve changed how I interact with people, the only thing that’s changed over the years is my appearance. If anything I try to be as polite and friendly as possible these days. I don’t think I’m being more sensitive than I used to be. I’ve lived in the same area for a long time so I have a basis for comparison over time.

My mother used to say that you turn invisible at a certain age - I don’t mind invisible, but being treated unkindly (or worse) over nothing is a step too far.

My looks: I won’t post a picture but I look my age, average weight, usually dressed in non fashionable trainers and a tracksuit, I don’t do botox or manicures, don’t wear much make up, don’t do my hair, look tired. Harassed looking but clean probably sums it up. Shouldn’t be causing the above but nothing else could possibly be going on.

There are two things going on here

1. Do women who are not young and pretty generally get treated worse by men when out and about? - Yes.
2. Does this normally lead to totally unhinged ranting in a cafe? No.

In other words, you have a valid point in general but I think the man in the cafe was either a complete arsehole or had mental health issues, or both.

Kindly this is bugger all today with how you look.
No one will ever know why this particular chap was aggressive, but my money would be on steroids and misogyny. As to the uptick in aggression and misogyny more generally.. ..in think it might be more visible in public but the depressing stats on levels of domestic abuse and child sexual abuse (domestic and behind closed doors) are just as awful as they've ever been.
Why more open and visible in public? Lots of theories could account for this but you could say that if you become accustomed to raging on social media platforms you can generalise this behaviour into real life. We all know social media is completely unregulated and it's like the wild west, people say the vilest things and 'influencers' promote the vilest views and untruths with no consequences. Essentially people become accustomed to behaving terribly online with no consequences (even having their behaviour reinforced because algorithms make sure you only get the views of people who agree with you). Engage with this enough (and people spend hours and hours online) and it normalises this aggressive and reactive way of being and crosses into real life. This doesn't just apply to men of course women can road rage and shout at retail staff because they too are primed to be reactive, leap to judgement and aggression etc.....
Honestly in 20-30 years time social media will be as regulated as cigarettes (at least I fucking hope so).

OP wasn't asking for fashion tips or how to improve her appearance.
Maybe the OP is more than happy with how she looks.
People judge on appearance we all do it, rightly or wrongly but to offer unsolicited advice on how to improve, in my opinion, feeds into how society views women and the aging process in general.

Please report him to his gym. Sounds like roid rage.

You have no idea what is going on in his life, health etc to make him react like that. Not a nice encounter but you are frankly being weird to connect it with you and your friends looks.

Steroid rage.
His problem not yours.

Agree with PP - i think this is about him, not you and i think it’s sad you thought it was about your looks. I’m mid-50s and very ordinary looking and get treated absolutely fine. As PP said, it does sound like steroid rage.

Report him. Should have ebeen asked to leave. And no, it isn't you. I have noticed the British have become so rude and bad mannered, sometimes aggressive, it is now common place. Never a please or thank you - those words are not in the vocabulary of many.

This, people have become very me me me since covid.

I’m not justifying his actions, to the contrary. I merely said that’s more likely the reason he made those actions as opposed to OP’s level of aging, you know - as per the OP?

Definitely do this. He’s probably on steroids causing him to be aggressive. What a pathetic weak specimen of a “man”. Acting macho by bullying women. Probably has a teeny tiny penis.

I'm older as well and as you were with friends I'd have shouted back. If he's like this in public imagine him at home? I'd also report him to the gym.

I think COVID just allowed horrible people to be horrible. Years of being governed by selfishness has dropped down.

For the life of me I can’t work out why you think it’s your looks. Unless what you’re actually saying is you feel you used to present as attractive and now feel you don’t so men don’t treat you kindly.

this is just some impatient weirdo, it’s sod all to do with your looks.

I doubt it was how you look, it’s an odd assumption imo.

People are ruder in general. You could have been a twenty year old and still got that reaction.

He behaved badly but you have low self worth to have assumed that it was due to your age, what you’re wearing and how you look.

He was wearing his uniform so representing the gym, report him for his attitude.

You were with friends and he screamed at them as well

Probably taking steroids and cannot control his rage.

The man sounds like an aggressive bully OP. Pretty much like my brother, who is also a gym nut and has taken steroids in the past which made him extremely aggressive and unpleasant to be around. This isn’t anything to do with your looks so please don’t think it was anything to do with you 💐

This.

I also wonder whether online rudeness and the inability to tolerate diverse opinions is starting to spill into real life.

I’ve personally never found this. Im
not putting myself down but I’ve never been a beauty. I wouldn’t say hideous but definitely not a traditional ‘looker’. I’m slim at the minute but I’ve been a host of weights over the years too. I honestly have never felt any man has spoken badly to me due to this or treated me any kind of way. If anything I’ve worked with lots of men over the years and have always found them really easy to work with. Maybe because they don’t fancy me they just treat me normally. I’m sure pretty privilege is a thing but I’m not sure the reverse exists. At least not for me. Others may have had different experiences. I’ve of course met unpleasant people but never put it down to my looks.

I do think women are treated differently as we age, but what you have described doesn't sound like that op. It sounds like an awful encounter with a very angry twat who might have blown up at any woman tbh. Report that fucker to his employer. He is doing shit like that while in their uniform - they should know.

I don’t think it’s your appearance.

I agree with you that I have experienced a huge increase in the number of very angry men around at the moment.

In your particular case, my theory is steroids.

I am sorry that happened to you. Hope you are ok.

As an older woman I find no confounding ingredient in my interactions with men.

No man is interested in me in any sexual way, and I am interested in no man. I think this makes conversation much easier and more enjoyable.

Regarding the cafe man, I think this is nothing to do with you in any sense and you were just unfortunate to cross paths with him.

I think he would have behaved the same to anyone, except maybe someone as large and powerful as himself.

I think your low self esteem is making you think it's your looks.

I'm objectively attractive and I have to be honest, there are still dickhead men everywhere. It's a them problem, not a you problem.

There may be something in it being sexism/because you're a woman though - my DH is a rugby player build and men are never as rude when I'm with him.

Also I second that you should report him to his employer. Power isn't about brute strength anymore - and you have as much power as anyone to impact his livelihood. You should flex that

I live somewhere where the endearment 'love' is used a lot, but the way men use it patronising ly towards me boils my piss. Even my husband's attitude has changed, I wouldn't mind but the decrepit old sod is ten years older than me! But men genuinely think they stay the same as they age, and that's the point I suppose, they do, same as women, but their self esteem seems to remain intact, there's definitely a negative societal bias towards women aging as opposed to men, it's like they're offended by it.