Is it right women do more?

[NurtureGrow]

Please go gently.

I’ve been asking my husband to help me with housework since we met almost 5 years ago. He does ‘help’ sometimes, but he never does it fully. Ie the area/room is partly clean, there’s always more for me to do.

For me, doing things for each other is
important. I want him to find things clean and tidy. You can imagine after 5 years, it’s disappointing me, that I never find it as clean and tidy as I left it, and he never fully cleans an area for me. It’s always me.

He says he ‘can’t see it fully.’ ‘It’s not a priority’ he’s ‘doing his best.’

He’s also now saying that as he’s starting a business soon (going full-time in a week) he can’t do the business if he has to clean. I said this isn’t about the business, you’ve always been like this in a salaried role. You leave things for me to do.

It seems I have two choices: be submissive and accept it / or keep trying to make him understand. The latter isn’t working. I haven’t got extremely high standards, I would just like it left clean and tidy for me, as I do for him.

Example, I cleaned the kitchen earlier, it took 25 minutes. I’d just like him to do that for me, like sometimes, or ever. He says he can’t, it would take him 1 hour. He’s a genuinely nice person, but I just don’t think all this is right. We have a 1 year old baby.

Id genuinely like to know, please:
**
YABU - women do have to do more, male partners aren’t good at this. You shouldn’t keep asking him and accept it.
**
YANBU - he should do it fully sometimes, it’s not for you to always do

Thank you

I would tell him that you have serious concerns with him starting his own business, if he can't 'see what needs doing' in his own home. However will he have any attention to detail in his job if he doesn't have life basics sorted?

YABU for:

• Calling it ‘help’, as though domestic labour is a favour he does you.
• Even considering sexist tripe like women do have to do more, male partners aren’t good at this
• Being in a relationship with someone who clearly doesn’t respect you.
• Thinking he’s a genuinely nice person.
• Thinking that ‘be submissive and accept it / or keep trying to make him understand’ are your only options.

What is the balance of hours worked? (i.e are you both full time, who leaves the house first and back last? Etc).

It's not about the person's sex, it's about their attitude to being in a partnership. It is a pathetic cop out for him to say he doesn't "fully see" what needs doing. He just can't be bothered. I bet he would see things fully if it was his boss at work telling him to clean up!

So it's his choice to not really care about doing his fair share at home. Do you do everything for the baby too?

Yes, this worries me. Also the financial side of paying attention to details. But there doesn’t seem more I can do.

Not paying attention to detail or ‘seeing things’ is the opposite to me, so how can you reason with someone on that. They just say ‘they can’t see.’

I don’t see any option that him doing the business. I just hope it works. I also don’t want him to blame me, if it doesn’t work.. because I was asking for help sometimes. So maybe I just suck it up for a year (the cleaning etc) and hope it all works.

Id also honestly like to be thinking about having a second child (given my age as well, not so much time) but it may be tricky with the business.

He has done a lot of prep and is passionate about it. I just wish he could clean and tidy fully sometimes, so I don’t have to.

Whats odd, is he is a very reasonable person, he just doesn’t seem to be able to see it 🤷‍♀️

I wonder if most women have this problem, and the way we survive is just be doing it. Sounds silly, but I had short relationships before being married and was close to friends, mainly female. I never realised how much more women seem to do and how amazing they actually are.

Honestly, I completely agree.. I don’t believe these things, but I’m at the point where I think what can I do?!

He is genuinely nice, but I can’t get through to him.

I was recently at a party and a told a woman about this and she said… ‘oh you shouldn’t ask him!’ I was shocked and it got my thinking, maybe I should just find a way to accept it, are a lot of women in this position and that’s what they do?!

How can he be a genuinely nice person if he's happy for you to clean up after him? Incompetence is so unattractive! My husband manages to do his fair share, competently and willingly, it's not a male/female thing.

No you shouldn’t have to ask him

Also @ForZanyAquaViewer we have a 1 year old. I do love him, I don’t want to give up! 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

I have considered, I wish there was a bootcamp to send people who say they ‘aren’t good at cleaning.’

There's no excuse for "not being good at cleaning", it's hardly brain surgery, you just need to use your eyes and gross motor skills.

Weaponised incompetence

This is what I keep saying. I keep saying it’s his choice. Also in response to ‘it’s not a priority’ I’ve said it’s a priority to me, so it is a priority! It would work both ways, if he had something he wanted me to do.

I am doing most for the baby too. I find it hard as I’m ie prepping all the baby meals. I have friends who split it. Because we don’t, I just can’t do it as well as I’d like.

How can you reason with someone like this?

Sorry, what I mean is, she meant I shouldn’t ask him - I should just do it all. I was shocked!!

He sounds like a right twat. Not getting “nice” vibes from him despite your protestations. Dh is a high earner with a big job and does his share of house drudge because I’m not actually his maid 🙄

No, you don't have to put up with it. Go on strike till he gets the message. Seriously.

I agree. I’m not sure what to say really. He has good qualities, but this isn’t one.

Yes, my DH has been a high earner.

And I keep saying this too.. are you trying to force me to be submissive, to clean more. And he just says he ‘can’t see it.’ 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

Do you share cleaning, cooking, tidying, DIY 50/50?

Do you work? If so is it full time or part time?

This!

He does other things, like I was ill and he looked after our baby all day.

But not the other things.

I’m currently working 3 days a week and childcare 2 days a week, but may increase work days.

But it’s always been like this, even when we were both 5 days a week one year ago.

Im asking if he could sometimes leave things clean and tidy for me, as I do for him. Not always worse for me.

In that case I'm on his side, I'd expect you to do all the cleaning if you're part time and he's full time. If you go back to work full time, at that point you need to sit down and decide who does what. Draw up a rota if necessary. And stop talking about him 'helping' you. Housework needs doing for the household generally including your kid/s. He won't be helping you, he will simply be splitting the workload to provide a decent home for your child/ren.

Thank you @HoskinsChoice for your thoughts.

So you think he should never, ever leave things clean for me, as I do for him? I should always clean, tidy, cook, DIY because I work 3 days a week and look after our baby for 2 days a week?

And before when I worked 5 days a week, and it was the same, how can that be explained?

The problem that is taking me over the edge is that he never does it. It’s so ungenerous to me.

@HoskinsChoice sorry to add. You wouldn’t expect anything at all, cleaning and tidying wise, unless we’re both full-time? Nothing?

The way you blatantly see it as your job and he needs to 'help' is grating on me reading it OP. No wonder he's taking the piss.

It's NOT HELP. He lives there, he's half responsible for it.

Why should he do anything when he knows you'll do it?

Tell him you want a relationship with a fully functional adult and he's not one. So maybe seperate houses is the way to go.

Then he can live in his own filth and maybe you can see your worth.