Is it right women do more?

[NurtureGrow]

Please go gently.

I’ve been asking my husband to help me with housework since we met almost 5 years ago. He does ‘help’ sometimes, but he never does it fully. Ie the area/room is partly clean, there’s always more for me to do.

For me, doing things for each other is
important. I want him to find things clean and tidy. You can imagine after 5 years, it’s disappointing me, that I never find it as clean and tidy as I left it, and he never fully cleans an area for me. It’s always me.

He says he ‘can’t see it fully.’ ‘It’s not a priority’ he’s ‘doing his best.’

He’s also now saying that as he’s starting a business soon (going full-time in a week) he can’t do the business if he has to clean. I said this isn’t about the business, you’ve always been like this in a salaried role. You leave things for me to do.

It seems I have two choices: be submissive and accept it / or keep trying to make him understand. The latter isn’t working. I haven’t got extremely high standards, I would just like it left clean and tidy for me, as I do for him.

Example, I cleaned the kitchen earlier, it took 25 minutes. I’d just like him to do that for me, like sometimes, or ever. He says he can’t, it would take him 1 hour. He’s a genuinely nice person, but I just don’t think all this is right. We have a 1 year old baby.

Id genuinely like to know, please:
**
YABU - women do have to do more, male partners aren’t good at this. You shouldn’t keep asking him and accept it.
**
YANBU - he should do it fully sometimes, it’s not for you to always do

Thank you

Oh ffs no working 2 extra days does not mean no cleaning

it means a 70/30 split because that is proportionate and fair

splitting the workload isn’t him going I work five days everything else is in you

Lol I'm sorry what? OP also works large part of the week. And looking after a one year old is a full time task. OP will naturally do more of the housework due to being home more (maybe like a 60-40 split), but working full time does not opt you out of chores.

OP, ofc it's not unreasonable to expect him to clean up after himself in the kitchen and do some cleaning.

Stop doing things for him. Don't do his washing. Don't do his tea. Don't clean his plates. Let him crack on with it, and he'll realise how much you do. He'll suddenly miraculously 'see it' when he has no clean clothes or dishes for his food.

@gamerchick I get it.. I didn’t see it as ‘help’ before, but after 5 years of saying the same, it’s got to this point. I just don’t know what to do.

The worst is recently when I’ve tried to talk to him, I will say this, and he starts saying he can’t do the business then, if I’m not supportive etc etc, if I expect him to clean, tidy. I’ve said that’s ridiculous, of course you can. It takes say 20-25 minutes. But he says he can’t. Then has sent me salaried job descriptions, saying he’ll just have to do this, if I’m not supportive.

I don’t know how to get through.

The other thing is, sure, I could try to do all for a while more, while he does this business.

But I’ll be getting more and more resentful. I’ve explained this. I don’t want this. I don’t want our relationship to suffer. That’s why I’m trying to get through.

The other thing is, I feel pressure to organise our holidays, spend time with his family (literally pressuring to do that - we’re not in the same country and I don’t easily speak their language, so I can’t spend time with them alone.)

I feel like they probably think I’m rubbish, not present enough with them, but they probably don’t realise it’s not an even split, I’m just trying to keep up with everything

Very kindly, very gently (while thinking fuck you you lazy selfish fucking toad) say cleaning a kitchen isn’t hard, from now on every Thursday im going to direct you how to do it and I know if you try you can get it down to under 30 minutes. It will be great practice for your business to learn a new skill that you had thought was simply impossible, and also a huge step in your marriage for me feeling cared for, as I’m worried I will feel the opposite of cared for with this business plan where you will expect loads and loads of support and give me none at all back. People who run businesses also parent and look after their house you know,they eat food and wear clothes and don’t have 24/7 servants on hand, nor do you. I am going to be married to a competent adult, and our baby is going to see both parents able to do housework.

Don’t. Say firmly you have dumped the home load on me, I need some recharge time, I am not a machine; and I won’t be going to x with your family. Something in my life needs to give, you leave it all on me then expect me to socialise with your family like I’m not overloaded. Not happening.

He’ll put the recycling in the wrong containers, or the kitchen work surface poorly cleaned, or tumble everything in the cupboard.

And I keep saying, everything you do poorly you leave for me to do, please can you do it fully. But it doesn’t happen.

Sorry to keep adding, but different things keep coming to mind.

Oh my god say yes get a salaried job, if that’s what it takes to be a partner and a dad as well. You are literally standing there saying I cannot be a partner or a dad while running my business so obviously you shouldn’t be running a business, or do you think we’re optional in your life? I’m feeling pretty fucking optional to you.

THANK YOU @99bottlesofkombucha this sounds like a good idea, I can do this! And agreed… he needs to learn it for the business 😐

Yes, what I mean is, I’m pressuring to make the plans with his family.

But he’s too busy to arrange.

But I also see what you are saying… I do also need time to recharge…

Why are you leaving things clean and tidy ‘for him’? He clearly doesn’t give a dam. Go on strike for a while.

I’m not sure whether this is about gender (i.e. your DH thinks that cleaning is a woman’s job), or whether you simply have different standards of cleanliness. It does happen the other way around sometimes, where a man is clean and tidy and gets frustrated when the woman doesn’t live up to his standards.

What would happen if you just stopped doing it? Don’t clean for a couple of weeks and see how happy he is to live in a tip. Or maybe he lived in a tip when you met him (which should have been a red flag!).

Yes, I’m leaving them clean and tidy for us all… I don’t want to live in mess, it’s horrible.

He says he likes it when it’s clean and tidy, but doesn’t know how to make it like that.

‘I’d just like him to do that for me, like sometimes, or ever’
why do that for you? It’s a shared kitchen so he would be doing that for himself too.
he sounds deluded

‘Doesn’t know how to make it like that’ suggests that he thinks that cleaning is a woman’s job (and he has no interest in learning).

I assume that you both work the same number of hours? If not, then I think he’s subtly trying to tell you that this is your responsibility.

What’s odd is he has books on feminism, is passionate about women working outside the home. But doesn’t pay much attention to home maintenance etc.

I don’t want to make excuses, but I wonder if there is something wrong with his brain. How can a person ‘not see something’ ‘not know how to make it like that’ makes no sense to me at all. His handwriting is really bad. He doesn’t know when something is broken in the house. Even when we stand in front of it and I explain, it still takes a while for him to know what l mean. His parents do no DIY at home at all. It’s falling apart.

He has sisters, and I do think possibly nothing was expected of him at all. It’s annoying, as now I have to sort it out.

He told me when he moved out, he didn’t even know how to make pasta.

He likes nice interiors, fancy places, but doesn’t seem to get that they need maintenance and care. (Our house is not fancy at all though, and it’s small!)

Several of his friends said our wedding was really nice, they said I must have done it, as they knew he wouldn’t have.

He just does illogical things. He used to live with two women (house share) and one told me he would put the dishwasher on with hardly anything in it. (He’s a bit better at that now, fortunately.)

Sometimes the weight of knowing that if anything is broken, I’ll need to repair/arrange repair, is a lot.

Fuck that.

In our house if it doesn’t require genitals to do it, it’s anyone and everyone’s job. DH does considerably more than me on the whole but there are no “girl jobs” or “boy jobs” and my vagina would be clamped shut if he claimed he couldn’t do it.

How the fuck can he have the nous to run a business but not to wipe a kitchen worktop?

He also recently told me, he buys his nephew a birthday gift every year (as his nephew always asks for something.) He never gets his niece a gift as she never asks. They are around 15 and 14. It just doesn’t make sense. He gives them both a Christmas present.

If he really doesn’t know he can pay a cleaner to do his share.

He sounds like a sexist pig. Ick

The problem is, you can pay a cleaner, but not everyday and not to do general tidying/putting away. And that’s what everyone needs to do on a daily basis

I didn’t think of it like male, female, but just illogical really 🤷‍♀️