Is it right women do more?

[NurtureGrow]

Please go gently.

I’ve been asking my husband to help me with housework since we met almost 5 years ago. He does ‘help’ sometimes, but he never does it fully. Ie the area/room is partly clean, there’s always more for me to do.

For me, doing things for each other is
important. I want him to find things clean and tidy. You can imagine after 5 years, it’s disappointing me, that I never find it as clean and tidy as I left it, and he never fully cleans an area for me. It’s always me.

He says he ‘can’t see it fully.’ ‘It’s not a priority’ he’s ‘doing his best.’

He’s also now saying that as he’s starting a business soon (going full-time in a week) he can’t do the business if he has to clean. I said this isn’t about the business, you’ve always been like this in a salaried role. You leave things for me to do.

It seems I have two choices: be submissive and accept it / or keep trying to make him understand. The latter isn’t working. I haven’t got extremely high standards, I would just like it left clean and tidy for me, as I do for him.

Example, I cleaned the kitchen earlier, it took 25 minutes. I’d just like him to do that for me, like sometimes, or ever. He says he can’t, it would take him 1 hour. He’s a genuinely nice person, but I just don’t think all this is right. We have a 1 year old baby.

Id genuinely like to know, please:
**
YABU - women do have to do more, male partners aren’t good at this. You shouldn’t keep asking him and accept it.
**
YANBU - he should do it fully sometimes, it’s not for you to always do

Thank you

Its so sad when some men behave like this. He has an ingrained attitude that you will do most if not all of it. My MIL recently told me that when she was raising my DH and his brother they did a bit of cleaning but she did everything and didn't expect them to do much and she realises she was wrong. My DH is a very tidy person but times he dropped the slack I was sure to remind him and I set my expectations. Unfortunately many men are raised by mums who do all or most for them or they simply see their own dads doing little and it creates a mindset that women shoulder more housework. Tell him it makes you feel like a maid and is draining to do it all ontop of having a little one. Either that he should use out of his salary or business to pay for a cleaner weekly.

Wilma and Fred Flintstone were fighting about left bones in caves centuries ago. Women are nesters. Men aren’t and I don’t know how you change that.

The very fact that you see caring for your own child as a favour to your ill spouse is problematic.

It’s his child. He should look after it. If one partner is SAH either full time or part time then it won’t be 50:50. But job is like 10-12 hours per day 5 days/week. That leaves 125+242 hours per week to do things equally. Possibly more if the SAH parent does any paid employment.

Honestly I could not accept this. Unless your cleaning standards are unrealistic - he needs to learn.

I am rather mess blind. I am a terrible housekeeper. Living alone that all works fine. When I’ve lived with other people I’ve had to put extra effort into keeping communal space clean and tidy.

He could learn to do better - but he’s gotten used to you doing everything. He never had to learn, so he didn’t, and now his argument is he never should!

You need to sit down and have a proper (calm) conversation about this. Beforehand, you need to decide how big an issue this is for you - is it i would greatly appreciate you treating me better, or an i need you to treat me better? I think it should be the latter - but you could decide that you’d rather do everything then risk upsetting him. Things like this do break relationships. Would you leave if he doesn’t change? Could you be happy doing everything and just sucking it up?

Not only is he not behaving as a grown adult in picking up his fair share of running a household, he's asked you to use a 'soft voice' when challenging him on things he hasn't done, and you've agreed.

Time to lose your rag, and spell out the not so pleasant consequences if he continues in his failure to be an adult. Do not let him off the household stuff for a year whilst his business starts up. Next thing you know, the business will need 2 years, then 3 and by then he's an old dog who can't learn new tricks.

There are people who enjoy cleaning and DIY - but most of us do it as we have to keep the home clean and free from vermin. Housework isn't sexy, but starting a new business is. But to push the anaology on, before sex, you need the bed to have sheets. So before the sexy business starts - he changes the beds weekly and launders and irons the bedding. Food shopping isn't sexy, but a lovely meal shared with your life partner is romantic. But before the romance someone has to hit Tescos and buy the food.

My DP, not known for his affinty for household tasks, once claimed he ran a household. So I asked him how many toilet rolls we currently had in the house - he didn't have a clue and didn't realise why I needed to know - I really had to spell it out to him. I knew exactly how many we had, and I bet you do to.

Do not put up with being cast as the skivy and the maid - neither of which are sexy

Cavemen used to go out and hunt animals. My husband is able to reign in his instincts and leave our dog alone. Cave women ‘nested’ and looked after their cave and the kids, and now women are surgeons, athletes, plumbers. Humans are amazing at learning skills unrelated to any natural ‘programming’ if they choose to. There are plenty of examples in this thread alone of men doing their bit in the house due to not wanting to live in a shit-tip and because they understand the importance of fairly sharing labour in a relationship.

It’s not a cop out. A few weeks ago DH went out for the night, I literally spent the whole time cleaning / tidying / sorting. When he got back his comments were all about how some surfaces weren’t wiped properly etc. I had genuinely put effort it and tried my best, but I’m truly in the “I just can’t see it” category.

I do bring other things to the relationship though and so as a team we make that work - but I do have a lot of sympathy for the “I just can’t see it” husbands or the “can’t do right for doing wrong” husbands.

I just don’t think it’s necessarily related to sex - I’m the woman in my relationship

Are you seriously using a cartoon to try and make a point?

Plus, there is little evidence to support this whole prehistoric men were the only hunters and women nested and has been disproven by archeologists a few years ago.

Get a big pack of Post-Its printed which say “Fuck you NurtureGrow! You’re my slave, you sort this!” Then start popping them around the house.

Shoes left out; stick a post-it on
washing up not done; stick a post-it on
pile of washing not put away; stick a post-it on
bit of the living room he “didn’t see needed cleaning”; stick a post-it on

Show him what he’s actually telling you with his actions everytime he does it, and remind yourself how he’s treating you.

He can’t go round claiming to be a feminist and then act like a slave-owner in the home.

Leave the post-it’s out for others to see, explain to people that’s his attitude and you’re fed up of it.

Soon your house will be covered in bright little signs that tell both you and him how he ACTUALLY views you, and they’ll only go away if he puts the shoes away and takes the post-it off.

He’ll fucking see what needs doing then.

Talk is cheap though. He could read a hundred books and tell everyone he’s a feminist. But if he sits in his arse while you struggle then he’s not. Don’t listen to what they say, look at what they do. As my old mum would say.