How to ask for my money? Girl’s night out a couple of weeks ago.

[brownalien]

I paid for a fair bit, everyone else has transferred the money back. Friend in question text to ask for bank details, I sent them, she still hasn’t transferred. Awkward.
We’re not hugely close (if we were I would just chalk it up and probably she’d get the next round in when we next went out). I’m finding it annoying more than anything else. Before anyone says - there are definitely zero financial issues.

You have caught the guilt complex germ... we all have it at times.

Instead of assuming she won't appreciate you doing that... think about this

Do you appreciate her not sending you the money when asked and making you worry about how to ask her. Do you think she is worrying about that. I can tell you, she is not. So why should you.

I find its very useful when you hear yourself saying things like I'm worried she won't appreciate it if ... and flip it round. Also to ask yourself, would I behave like that? You are stressing yourself out worrying about the feelings of a person who clearly doesn't deserve all this anxiety.

ARe you worried about the next time you meet her that she will look askance at you? Brazen it out. Act as though it never happened. You never had to ask her several times to repay you money she owed you but delayed sending. That way you will be saving both your faces and can carry on.. but avoid situations where you have financial dealings again.

You say its not for financial reasons so that takes away about 98 per cent of the guilt for asking again. So relax.
She's either overwhelmed and has genuinely forgotten,
or Disorganised and can't remember where your text is or where the bank details are, - both of which she'd probably be grateful for the reminder.
Or
she's too lazy to stop what she's doing, get her phone out and send the money...
or she's hoping if she delays enough, she's noticed you appear to be a soft touch and hopes you will stop asking and she won't have to pay you...

For either of those last two excuses she deserves to have you turning up at your door with a rictus grin and big sign that reads PAY UP and displaying your bank details.

Who is going to think you should just let someone off £40 from a night out for now reason or that you are somehow mean to recover your money?

So what have you got to lose by asking her again?

‘Hiya matey I’m just doing some online banking, I noticed that money hasn’t landed in my account yet, here’s your friendly reminder 📣 lol’

What does this mean?

?????

Why is that amusing? I am tired of people who are proud of their people pleasing and find not being assertive kind of cute. I have even had people tell me its because they are 'too nice'.

There is nothing funny or nice about lack of assertiveness. Its a sign of over thinking. Just send the details again, and ask her to pay you.

Hello friend, I have just checked my account and I have not received the £<insert amount> my bank details are ** please let me know when you have sent it. Thank you.

Send your details one more time- then if nothing happens reminder to pay in the group chat. That should shame her into it

Remind her……..and keep on doing so until she coughs up. I bloody hate it when people own money and don’t pay.
Start with a polite reminder…….hi, xxxx, I sent my bank details for you to transfer the cash, have you had a chance to do it yet? Hope everything’s ok?
Then, after a few days - particularly if there’s no response to the first message - hey, can you send the money over please?
If the money has still no appeared you proceed as follows……..hi, you owe £x from the night out, I’ve given you x days to pay me but you’ve not responded or explained so fucking pay up and stop being a free loading tight bitch!……Should do it!

For one so ‘rubbish at being assertive’ you’re quite able to be forthright with your answers to these lovely Mumsnetters who are simply trying to help you 🤷‍♀️.

You don't really seem to mind whether you're paid or not . If you're seen as a soft touch people will do it more .

I agree with bigboykitty:
'Hi, just doing my banking and realised I haven't had your money from x date. It's £42 - please can you transfer today? Thanks'

Polite, clear, good neutral reason for asking, no lies about having a direct debit coming out or pleading poverty.

I noticed that reading through. Salty with people giving her their time and advice, but cannot send a follow-up text to someone who owes her money. 🙄

Well I agree but it doesn't really matter. It's easy to send a brief reminder assuming she forgot. She can pretend she did and is very sorry, will send the money straight way. No need to overthink.

Noticed here too. Being behind a screen should be no different to RL.

It’s been 2 weeks already, why wait?

she’s probably forgotten, just send the message about not having seen it come in yet, can she check her bank account and when she sent it.

do it now love, otherwise you’ll over think it and talk yourself out of it.

REMEMBER YOU Are NOT in the wrong here. Not in any way shape or form.

They'll keep treating you like a mug as you let them.

Yep - noticed that too.
People are just giving advice in answer to her question, which was blatant for all to read in the title “How to ask for my money?”
Yet OP’s getting pretty snippy with posters.
Why put that question in your title if you’re not really going to ask for your money. It’s time wasting.
I hate asking for money too, but I think of it now as they are inconveniencing me and being far ruder to me by not paying than I am in asking for my money. That helps.
Your friend is the problem, not you.

Be more angry with your friend Op than with all of us here. We are trying to help you….

If she's usually a nice and considerate person she's probably just forgotten and will be grateful for the reminder. Give her a chance to feel grateful that you've reminded her she still owes.

After that if she still doesn't cough up you know she's not as nice and considerate as you thought, and she doesn't deserve your accommodating her.

Only one way to find out... (DO IT DO IT DO IT)

Then why are you asking?

Grow a backbone fgs

What's the worst that could happen?

You're doing a lovely job of wasting our time though

I'm out

If you are anxious, you could make it less personal to her. ‘Hi, I am just checking if you have transferred over the money from the other night, as a few payments haven’t come through?! Thanks!’

So it then looks like a few haven’t paid and you both might feel less awkward.

I sometimes read texts and mean to action something and then get distracted and forget altogether. I think you're feeling awkward as assuming this is cheekiness rather than incompetence. Is there something that makes you think this?

She’s not snippy at all. I think you’re the snippy one here. Irony alert.

Anyone with some basic kind of understanding of people knows that we all have areas where we can be quite assertive and areas where we are not. Unless you’re an idiot of course and just tear through life like a bull in a china shopping all circumstances.

I have this mate. It’s awkward but as I have gotten to know her I am much more able to say- Oi, pay up!

I would usually be in a group chat and have a mutual friend say- hey just checking did my ££ come through for drinks the other week?

and that’s usually enough to prompt. It’s a round about way of doing things but feels less anxiety making

She’s probably just forgotten. Please, please do not do the passive aggressive ‘did you send the money, I can’t see it’ faux simpleton act.

Hi X, Hope you’re well. Could you ping the £28 over from the night out, please. Let me know if you need my details again x