Swearing on a children's chat group by the coach. Am I wrong to find this objectionable?

[Momoftwoscallywags]

Just want a reality check.

My DS (13 yrs old) has played a team sport for a few years and this year the coaches have set up a chat just for the players and coaches only. As parents we were informed of this and was assured that all messages sent to the kids would be appropriate.

Anyway, after the game at the weekend was abandoned due to the aggressive behaviour of the opposing team, one of the coaches (he is new to the team this season, so haven't met him) put a message on the kids/coaches chat referring to the game and used the word "Fuck" twice in relation to the other teams behaviour and what the kids should do the next time something like this happens.

In my opinion, I think the use of the swear words was really inappropriate. I did deliberate in saying something as I felt there may be some comeback on my son but, as my Husband said, sometimes you do need to stand by your boundaries.

So, I sent a message to one of the longer standing coaches, for whom I had immense respect for, basically saying I objected to the swearing, as it is not something I expected from a coach who was coaching children.

His response was a little disappointing, he basically said get over myself as it's the nature of the game but condescendingly conceded to say something to the other coaches about toning it down.

So now this feeling of being gaslighted won't go away and I feel that, as coaches, they should be able to "break the cycle" of thinking it's okay to swear in front of children. Am I being unreasonable?

The fact that the chat group is kids and coaches only is wildly innapropriate op. Swearing is only the tip of the iceberg.

What possible need do they have for a chat that excludes the guardians of these children?

Your 13yo read the word "fuck" and you've went straight to another coach and told tales?

Your 13yo will be saying a lot worse.

Have you told your ds what you've done? He will be mortified.

I think it’s odd there’s a chat group just for the kids and coaches. My son played for different football teams from the age of 4 all the way through to now (he’s 19) and it was only when they got to under 18s (16+) that the kids had a group with the coach. Inappropriate, whatever the language used.

It is beyond inappropriate for adult coaches to be on a chat group with children.
Is there a child welfare officer in the organisation?

My son’s football group chat is parents and coaches only and they never swear at all . So yes he was being very inappropriate

Well, all football coaches of junior teams in England are supposed to complete FA training, where safeguarding is covered at length and I think guidance is no direct contact with players that are under 18.

Nah I wouldn't be happy.

I still get a bit irritated when people loudly swear in public round kids though especially when they were little maybe not so much now.

Not saying I never swear myself, (in anger, not in every day conversation) but I just think it's a vulgar thing to do and not setting a great example. The coaches are supposed to be like role models.

No children should be on this chat group….swearing or no swearing

This chat is totally agaianst safeguarding policy in youth sports as others have said. Report to the club safeguarding officer.

Agree OP.

If people want to swear in their own spaces they can crack on. But they shouldn’t be swearing to minors as someone in authority and indeed if they had any clue about safeguarding they’d not have a group with parents excluded.

I think you were right to call the coaches out on the use of swear words in the chat.

And I agree with pp that it seems really inappropriate that this chat is just for the coaches and children. Particularly as you now know the coaches can't be trusted to behave in a responsible way when communicating with children.

I would take this matter further - to the organisation responsible for the team.

as others have said it’s not appropriate for children to be on a WhatsApp group with adults.

You’re worried about a 13 year old reading the word “fuck”? It’s a non-issue.

It's totally inappropriate for there to be a coaches and children group. It should not be happening.
It would never happen at my children's club.

There are WhatsApp groups for each team but they are very strict about it being for parents and coaches only. The welfare officer is also a member of the group although she never interacts with it.

I don't think swearing in front of children (especially teenagers) is a big deal.

I do think chat groups between children and coaches is a big deal though.

I would not be impressed by the fuck word in the group chat for kids - I guess the new coach is effing and thinking he is down with the kids !! Cringe !!
well you’ve been informed that big dog coach is going to ask new coach to tone it down -
job done 👍
you aren’t being gaslit - that’s a form of psychological abuse -
the big dog coach was defensive and said he will have a word …
nowt more to stress about !

We run a group for kids from 7-18 (actually upto 21). We dont have ANY direct communication with the kids, its all done through the parents. We do have a fb page which anyone in the group can comment on. We dont allow any swearing due to kids ages. On rare occasions we've had to remind some of the older ones about their language in front of the younger ones.
I hate the fact that some people think its ok to 'regularly' swear in front of kids.

Every coach we have known has been very careful to communicate solely with parents before age 18. Safeguarding is there (or should be!) to protect the coaches as well as the children. It doesn't really answer your question, but I don't think this group should exist at all.

Easy for me to say when it's not me having to handle the politics, but you might want to check the safeguarding policies of the club and the wider sporting organisation.

Thanks for everyone's opinion.

I have just found this whole thing really perplexing, in the sense that I think it is wildly inappropriate for an adult to swear in front of children but understand that these things can happen in the heat of the moment. We have all been guilty of it.

And I know my kid uses swear words, he has got it down to a fine art!

But, it just doesn't sit well with me in this scenario, it's down in black and white, it wasn't said in the heat of the moment.

Then there is the question of do I take it further within the club and look like a busy body with nothing better to do and also put my kid in the firing line with regards to the team politics? or do I let it go now, as I've said my piece, and basically allow another adult, who is in a mentoring role, permission to say whatever they want to my kid. Oh dear I am just wondering now, how that will end. 🤦‍♀️

I don’t think it’s relevant that the 13 year old may have swore himself at some point. The issue here is a grown man, a coach swearing in a group chat to children. It’s like saying it would be ok for teachers to swear at kids cos sure don’t they curse themselves. It’s not ok.

My son (15) is involved with a mixed age drama group where they are very strict on safeguarding - under 16s always need a chaperone in the theatre, for example. They have a WhatsApp group (mostly for people to go "Who is needed in this rehearsal again??") and under-16s must have a parent on the group too. Just to give an idea of how it works in other areas. Can't imagine anyone swearing on it, they take safeguarding so seriously, telling us if there is anything in a play they are doing that might be emotionally challenging, for example.

I agree with others that a coaches/children group chat seems a safeguarding issue.

I also think swearing is inappropriate because a teacher wouldn't do that. Its like a professional boundary between adults and children isnt it. My starts to blur lines.

@Momoftwoscallywags
The swearing is the least of the issues here. Why are you completely ignoring the fact that the coaches involved are trampling all over every child safeguarding protocol by even being on a chat group with children? Are the club aware of what they are doing? Is the club affiliated with a national body?

Are the coaches paid or are they volunteering?
If unpaid, I wouldn’t take it any further unless there is a repeat.

You need to take the group itself further with the club regardless of the swearing.

It could be completely well intentioned but if it becomes an acceptable culture within the club and standard practice for teams to have this it massively increases the chance of grooming or other issues arising down the line.

It's fucking nuts that the suggestion even got off the ground