Swearing on a children's chat group by the coach. Am I wrong to find this objectionable?

[Momoftwoscallywags]

Just want a reality check.

My DS (13 yrs old) has played a team sport for a few years and this year the coaches have set up a chat just for the players and coaches only. As parents we were informed of this and was assured that all messages sent to the kids would be appropriate.

Anyway, after the game at the weekend was abandoned due to the aggressive behaviour of the opposing team, one of the coaches (he is new to the team this season, so haven't met him) put a message on the kids/coaches chat referring to the game and used the word "Fuck" twice in relation to the other teams behaviour and what the kids should do the next time something like this happens.

In my opinion, I think the use of the swear words was really inappropriate. I did deliberate in saying something as I felt there may be some comeback on my son but, as my Husband said, sometimes you do need to stand by your boundaries.

So, I sent a message to one of the longer standing coaches, for whom I had immense respect for, basically saying I objected to the swearing, as it is not something I expected from a coach who was coaching children.

His response was a little disappointing, he basically said get over myself as it's the nature of the game but condescendingly conceded to say something to the other coaches about toning it down.

So now this feeling of being gaslighted won't go away and I feel that, as coaches, they should be able to "break the cycle" of thinking it's okay to swear in front of children. Am I being unreasonable?

Yes, absolutely. As long as any communication is done on a format that the childs parents can have access and monitor then yes. As i said, ive had my child involved with national teams going to places like mexico and texas with my 12-16 year old daughter. They need to be able to communicate with these children and whatsapp is as good as any

You do realise coaches have the ability to communicate with children in private away from the parents without any way of the parent seeing it dont you. I know which i think is safer.

You are woefully uninformed about safeguarding and completely wrong on all fronts.

Parents should be banned from all childrens sports as from what ive seen in multiple sports, they rarely have their childrens mental and physical health at the front of their priorities.

What a load of nonsense! There are plenty of parents, the vast majority, that have concerns for their kids welfare. It's the ones that don't that stand out, anwhere I've been involved.

I am a sports coach for young teens.
Take it to safeguarding at your club - the BIG problem with this group is that it is kids & coaches only.
No coach should be in direct contact with a child like this without oversight of parents, and there is NOTHING that they should be saying to children that they wouldn’t want the parents to hear.
If you don’t think the club will take it seriously go to the safeguarding lead at the organising body.
eg I would report it to the local FA if it’s football, you can do this anonymously and directly. This is the kind of behaviour that needs to be stamped out

Safeguarding isn’t just about physical safety - it’s about emotional safety too. Coaches in a private chat can be putting pressures on kids that parents would object to…pressures to put the sport 1st EVERY time over school, friendships, other commitments for example. Pressure to play when injured - parents have said they want the kid to rest a pull or a tear but coach ‘needs’ that kid for the big game… puts pressure on the child to play, to say they are okay when they aren’t, or says something in that group that the other kids see that gets THEM to try to persuade the player to be available…

Absolutely NOT. No coach should have the private number of any child under 18. It ALL goes through the parents. Pain in the arse though that can be at times.
You can add them to a WA group that both the parents AND child are on. So if you message the child - the parent sees it too. Immediately. But there really shouldn’t be a reason outside of trips IF they’ve gone AWOL to do even that.

As for coaches speaking to children ‘ in private’ - again that is AGAINST all safeguarding.
That should NOT be happening. Coaches should never be alone with a child - there should always be someone else around, whether that’s an adult, another coach or other kids.
I can speak to my players in the sidelines at training, but it’s in full view of others, I would Never take them to sit in the car to talk for example.
It’s the basics of safeguarding. And very easily managed. You’re going to be the only coach there that might? Ask a parent to help out or just be around.
Kid needs the loo but wants you to take them to find it? Ask who else needs to go, get their mate to come along too.

It’s not difficult and safeguarding is there to prevent grooming, bullying and to protect the kids and anyone who says ‘health and safety gone mad’ or that it’s ’over the top’ needs to be treated with suspicion because they are at the very least not trained properly and at worst … well, we all know what the worst is because it’s happening to children everyday in every sport and club all over the world.

@MomoftwoscallywagsHave you done anything about this situation? Because you need to, and quickly, for a number of reasons.

The bigger issue is the fact that the kids are in a chat group with the coaches. What the hell?

I’m a youth leader in church and our WhatsApp group is with the parents, not the kids!!!! OP, this needs to be closed down now. I’d report it to the youth governing body as I’d have no confidence that this team will do anything right.

Apologies everyone. Had an early start for work so just catching up.
It's in hand. I will give you an update when I can.

Thanks for all your support. This has been so worrying from a safeguarding point of view.

Coaches and children shouldn’t be on chat groups, coaches communicate with children face to face only!

Absolutely this, I couldn't agree more. I think that poster seems to be talking about elite sport as opposed to grass roots. Grass roots sports needs parental support for getting the kids to training and matches, helping with tea/coffee, washing the bibs, assistant coaches etc etc. They're an integral part of it, and the suggestion of banning them because they don't care is ludicrous.

Lighten up

That's against all safeguarding common sense. What were they thinking setting up that group in the first place?

Oh ,so you'd be cool if your kids teacher swore in lessons?

And it would be fine for their scouts leader to swear in front of them??

Oh and add them to a kids only WhatsApp?

The kid is 13 not 3. You must be completely naive if you think 13 year olds don’t swear and worse.

You're missing the point...

Would it be acceptable for a teacher to swear in front of your kids?

If not, why is it acceptable for this coach to do it?

Because it’s not the worst thing that can happen in life is it. It’s a swear word. He’s not pushing drugs.

Throwing your hands over little Johnnie’s ears at age 13 to stop him hearing the word fuck is mollycoddling

Protecting both children AND coaches from potential safeguarding concerns, however, is not.

When did swearing with teenagers become a “safeguarding” issue?

You're missing the point. Adult coaches should behave appropriately.

If kids swear amongst themselves that's completely different.

I disagree but there we are.

Because only unsuitable people would want to speak like that with kids with whom they have a coaching relationship. It's a big red flag for being an unsuitable person to work with young people.

The world has moved on since the 1980s.

And not for the better in lots of ways. How will kids cope as adults in the real world if they have a fit of the vapours at a swear word.