Swearing on a children's chat group by the coach. Am I wrong to find this objectionable?

[Momoftwoscallywags]

Just want a reality check.

My DS (13 yrs old) has played a team sport for a few years and this year the coaches have set up a chat just for the players and coaches only. As parents we were informed of this and was assured that all messages sent to the kids would be appropriate.

Anyway, after the game at the weekend was abandoned due to the aggressive behaviour of the opposing team, one of the coaches (he is new to the team this season, so haven't met him) put a message on the kids/coaches chat referring to the game and used the word "Fuck" twice in relation to the other teams behaviour and what the kids should do the next time something like this happens.

In my opinion, I think the use of the swear words was really inappropriate. I did deliberate in saying something as I felt there may be some comeback on my son but, as my Husband said, sometimes you do need to stand by your boundaries.

So, I sent a message to one of the longer standing coaches, for whom I had immense respect for, basically saying I objected to the swearing, as it is not something I expected from a coach who was coaching children.

His response was a little disappointing, he basically said get over myself as it's the nature of the game but condescendingly conceded to say something to the other coaches about toning it down.

So now this feeling of being gaslighted won't go away and I feel that, as coaches, they should be able to "break the cycle" of thinking it's okay to swear in front of children. Am I being unreasonable?

Nope. What is appropriate is criticising the culture. You don’t pick on the kids, you pick on the adult coaches for allowing a culture where their team thinks it’s ok to behave like that. What would be appropriate would be for the coach to say “if I saw any of you behaving like that on the field, I’d be making sure things changed, or restricting your privileges”

Pointing out the weaknesses of the other team is what the coach is for, telling their own team how to deal with that on the pitch is the coaches job. Swearing about them and slagging them off is not appropriate.

Of course measures should be taken to prevent abuse, but I disagree with your insinuation that swearing is at all analogous to, or a gateway to, more serious harm.

Swearing has and does go on in football dressing rooms forever, and it doesn’t indicate that DC are going to end up being abused.

Everything about this set up is wildly inappropriate. The group shouldn't even exist, so it's no surprise that the adults running it use inappropriate language. Given that swearing on the pitch is an offence that can be penalised, the coaches should not be doing it either. It's a terrible set up and you're right to be concerned.

Bad enough a Chat group with just the coaches and kids excluding parents, but the sweary language is completely inappropriate.

You wouldn’t condone it from school teachers and these coaches are in a position of influence in a similar vein.

Personally, I’d have no problem kicking up a stink about it.

I might be missing the mark, here, but the context was the aggressive behaviour of the opposing team. It seems to me that the coach who twice used the word Fuck in a message was himself being verbally aggressive.

Who’s the safeguarding lead? I’d be sending them screenshots and removing your son from the chat.

Completely agree the issue is a closed chat between kids and coaches. That’s your real concern.

Specifically on the swearing - let it go. If it happens again then follow up and escalate. What more do you want them to do over this incident? It’s a minor incident and if they make an effort not to repeat then you’ve achieved a no adults swearing in front of kids environment.

Agree with pp - this is not being gaslit. You aren’t being abused. Just not taken as seriously as you’d like.

Rugby club trip abroad with 16 year olds, therefore legal to drink for the first time. Men accompanying the trip left them unsupervised, treated it as a jolly and also got blathered. My son was asleep [unconscious] when his drunk friends gave him a haircut, so disastrous that the men decided it had better all come off. School explicitly forbade extreme haircuts. I was so angry and made the chair of the Rugby Club grovel to the school. My son begged me not to report the club to the RFU, so I didn't and regret it. Those adults accepted a free trip, they had a duty of care to the boys but chose to party. It was a small incident in the scheme of things but could have been so much worse and possibly dangerous.
Report it, it's not men's banter, it's adults not understanding they need to model respect and very much contravenes all safeguarding rules.

I dont have any issues with swearing, but I have a massive issue with the group chat being between the players (who are children) and the coaches. That is completely inappropriate & I would be removing my child from it & reporting it to the club safeguarding/welfare rep.

I honestly think you are focusing on the wrong part - the whatsapp chat needs to be deleted by the club immediately.

This.

They're a sports team. Coaches are brutal.

How have you agreed to your child being in the group??

Honestly Let it go now op. You've raised it with the other coach ( albeit it sounds like he rolled his eyes a bit but he did say he would have a word)

People either think that swearing is wildly inappropriate or not a big deal and in soccer circles it's unfortunately very common.
unless you son is the star striker I'd leave it now as you will make him a pariah within the club.

@lizzyBennet08
Can you not see the issue with a whatsapp group between coaches and children?

That's an entirely separate issue. We don't allow it in any of our clubs and I'm surprised by it.
Im assuming that the parents were asked and gave their permission? Im replying just on the swearing issue.

They should be modelling appropriate behaviour.

A lot of abusers test small boundaries and then get bolder. So in this case we have an inappropriate group chat, with coaches normalising having childrens phone numbers, then one coach pushing a small boundary on language.

He has had no pushback on two boundaries, he can feel safe to private message as he can group message, he knows swearing is already safe and normalised as he was backed up by the club on thisd so what about sexually explicit language in private can he try pushing that boundary too.

Im not saying this coach is an abuser at all and i do believe swearing is normalised in locker rooms and there is context to what he said. But when they do reviews of safeguarding failures, there is normal a stage of small boundary pushing first which had it been tackled could have stopped things.

So, if coaches do something “adult,” and thirteen-year-olds also do that same “adult” thing, that means it’s okay for coaches to do it around teenagers? 🤨 Surely you can see the flaw in that logic…

There absolutely should not be a group for kids and coaches only. Report it to the safeguarding officer immediately!

Yanbu. Swearing in a group chat with kids is completely inappropriate and not on at all. (Regardless of whether the kids hear swearing all the time at school or swear themselves etc etc).

It was "suggested" as a good idea for the future and the parents were reassured that ALL messages posted by the coaches would be posted on the parents/coaches chat as well.

This was not done for this message. It's really perplexing that they have broken their own rule.

It does make you question what other rules they may be breaking and it's this questioning of their integrity that has made me uncomfortable.

Does the club have a child safeguarding officer?

And who suggested setting up the group?

I think a watsapp between coaches and kids is inappropriate. Its a safeguarding disaster

You should share screenshots with the club’s safeguarding officer. Their details will be on the website.

I'd get yourself added, or remove your child from it