Swearing on a children's chat group by the coach. Am I wrong to find this objectionable?

[Momoftwoscallywags]

Just want a reality check.

My DS (13 yrs old) has played a team sport for a few years and this year the coaches have set up a chat just for the players and coaches only. As parents we were informed of this and was assured that all messages sent to the kids would be appropriate.

Anyway, after the game at the weekend was abandoned due to the aggressive behaviour of the opposing team, one of the coaches (he is new to the team this season, so haven't met him) put a message on the kids/coaches chat referring to the game and used the word "Fuck" twice in relation to the other teams behaviour and what the kids should do the next time something like this happens.

In my opinion, I think the use of the swear words was really inappropriate. I did deliberate in saying something as I felt there may be some comeback on my son but, as my Husband said, sometimes you do need to stand by your boundaries.

So, I sent a message to one of the longer standing coaches, for whom I had immense respect for, basically saying I objected to the swearing, as it is not something I expected from a coach who was coaching children.

His response was a little disappointing, he basically said get over myself as it's the nature of the game but condescendingly conceded to say something to the other coaches about toning it down.

So now this feeling of being gaslighted won't go away and I feel that, as coaches, they should be able to "break the cycle" of thinking it's okay to swear in front of children. Am I being unreasonable?

They absolutely shouldn’t have a direct line to the kids. It’s completely inappropriate in and of itself. The head coach’s response is also inappropriate. I’d be worried about boundaries in this club full stop.

I’d be worried about boundaries in this club full stop.

That is a very good point.

The coaches are putting themselves in a massively dangerous situation by setting up this group. My 17 year old son is part of a similar activity and despite his older age, it is still me that has to be on the WhatsApp and I still have to chaperone him to all his events due to strict safeguarding by the organisation.

It’s a massive PITA but we both accept it and respect the organisation for having such firm boundaries of safeguarding practice.

You are going to have to get used to it im afraid. Of course there is a world where you dont have to get used to it, but it will be lonely and your DS will find himself isolated.

If it makes you feel any better my DS of much younger age (5-10yrs old) was subjected to some of the worst swearing you could hear on the sidelines at football as he watched me play. We had a sensible chat about it where i pointed out that if i ever heard him repeat any of it he would be in huge trouble and wouldnt be able to come again.

He never did. He played himself, he refereed for years and he's now a young man. There are the odd blips where he has sworn in front of me by accident but in general it taught him that you dont have to swear to look cool.

I think you have a stronger case with the safeguarding issue. They are being very foolish to exclude parents from the chat and the lead coach's response is very concerning.

You need to talk to the LADO in social care about the chat group. The whole thing is completely inappropriate. The swearing is inappropriate but that's a side issue really. The whole thing is a Safeguarding concern.

I think you need to get over yourself if I’m being honest.

You're focusing on the wrong issue. The problem isn't really the swearing - your dc will probably have heard worse in the school playground. The problem is the blatant breach of standard safeguarding protocols which have kids in group chats with adults in which their parents/guardians aren't allowed to participate.

I coach U16 football. My kids play lots of other clubs and play other sports. They are 13 and 16 so obviously have their own phones. NONE of them have any direct communication with clubs or coaches. Every message is through parents. We are not allowed to even ask for kids phone numbers.

You're in a tricky position as you have given permission for the coaches to set up this group, but it shouldn't have been allowed in the first place. Talk to the club's safeguarding officer or child welfare officer. They must have one. If they don't, there's bigger issues and this needs to the level above the club.

I coach a sport at a kid's club and this whole situation is inappropriate. I agree that the coach shouldn't be swearing. Yes, we know that kids swear but that's not the point. As an adult in authority you shouldn't be swearing in the presence of the young people you work with. Kids swear at school too but I don't think many of us would be happy if teachers were swearing in the classroom. There is specific mention of maintaining a high standard of language in our coaches code of practice and I would expect other sports to have similar rules.
But this goes way beyond the swearing. There absolutely should not be any group for U18s and coaches. This is basic Safeguarding practice and the group's very existence, regardless of the content, suggests that either the coaches are unaware and have not completed Safeguarding training, or that they've done the training and don't care about it. Either way, I'd be wondering what else they haven't done or don't care about. I'd definitely be raising this with the club's Welfare Officer and if there wasn't a very effective response I'd be looking for somewhere else.

Aside from the swearing and the unsupervised social media contact with minors (!) it also sounds like the coach has been sharing probably quite rude comments about the other team online. These are other minors. It's not ok because it's "only" WhatsApp and it's "private". Politicians have lost their jobs for things they wrote on WhatsApp.

It's completely inappropriate for adults to be slagging off children online - even when they are the opposition, and the audience is mainly other children, and even if they were behaving poorly.

I absolutely don't have any issues with swearing so that wouldnt bother me but...a group chat for the kids and coaches? Not appropriate. My son is also 13 and the group chat is strictly parents and the coach. No messaging between the kids and coach at all for safeguarding.

Hard to know where to start with this, there are so many issues.

There absolutely should not be a chat group between adults and kids in the first place. Presumably this club is a member of some governing body for the sport? If so, you should absolutely be raising this with them.

Swearing has become totally normalised it seems, and fewer and fewer people are prepared to stand up and say "hang on a minute, this isn't acceptable. As seen here, OP questions it, and posters jump on her.

It's a race to the gutter.

This! 100% agree with everything here.

I would be reporting the swearing, the comments on the opposing team, the chat group, everything to the LA, the FA and anything else relevant.

Every competitive team sport involves slagging off the other team.

This opponent behaved so poorly that a match has to be abandoned, so I think criticising them is quite appropriate.

This. Where players are children, any team chat group with the coaches should be for parents / guardians only. The players should set up their own separate chat group without coaches or parents in. Basic rules of safeguarding!

Maybe because they are just words. Many more important things to worry about.

When my sons were in the local team the chat was coaches and parents, not coaches and kids. Same with Scouts.

Just repeating the same as everyone else.

This screams safeguarding fail.
The swearing, as such, is less of an issue than the "kids and coach" chat group.
However, despite the fact that many 13 year old are well aware of the word 'fuck'and may use it, it is inappropriate and unprofessional for an authority figure to be banding it about.

It should be challenged.

Oh you stupid fucking cunt. Just words.

Surely from the pov of encouraging independence, it’s much better for teens to be communicating directly with their coaches (who are all checked)?

Clearly there can be an issue with the way words are used- e.g. in a violent or aggressive way.

That is where the problem can be, rather than with the words themselves.

No, it's poor practice, as anyone with a basic understanding of safeguarding will confirm.

Being "checked" isn't a guarantee of anything. And any coach/teacher worth their salt would know not to put themselves in that position.

Even if it's voluntary, most governing bodies have very strict safeguarding rules. I've had to attend several safeguarding courses & I only coach adults.

Have a look on the club's website, they should have a clear safeguarding policy & an official appointed.

If that's not satisfactory, have a look at the governing body's safeguarding section on their website. There should be a pathway for complaints.

I swear like a trooper but this doesn't feel ok to me.